i can’t trust my feelings
i’ve always been able to trust my gut.
if ever in a pickle, i automatically know what to do.
it’s ingrained in me.
i always pride myself on being the person everyone could trust if things started to go down.
fun fact: i’m a third degree black belt in old school Korean TaeKwonDo.
(the real stuff…no after-school purple belts in my dojo)
which means i’m never afraid of my safety.
like…never.
i once hugged a mugger who held me a knife point and he ran away calling me “a real gangster”. true story.
daydreaming in class was thinking about what i would do to save my entire school if a gunman entered the room.
i would be in charge, of course.
everyone would look to me because i was the only one who knew what to do and wasn’t afraid.
i don’t know if you’re laughing, but i’m serious.
i was prepared for it all.
i would have dreams about this stuff all the time and wake up the next morning feeling invincible.
i mean no disrespect.
it’s a shame that any of us have to think about being ready for something like that in the first place.
i’ve always been able to keep my cool.
to trust my feelings.
and then, i feel in love.
and i knew it.
i could feel it creep up inside of me.
somewhere beneath the stomach.
that clenched fist of burning desire sending electricity through your veins.
you know the feeling?
it’s a good one.
you can’t get enough of it.
every touch is tender.
every kiss is electric.
like a scene from a movie.
you can’t steal enough time with the one you love.
and every moment you’re away, you ache and ache to see them again.
until…they’re gone forever.
and the sadness rolls in.
that burning sensation turns into a solid rock that somehow leaves you feeling hollow and alone and no amount of self care can fill the void of what once was.
how long will this last? only time will tell.
alone with your feelings until they move on.
why do we feel so much?
why do we care so much about how we feel?
if you couldn’t tell, i’m a pretty emotional person.
in the relationship, i’m usually one who’s a little more in touch with their feelings.
i like to articulate it.
to show it.
i like to be known and understood.
until now…i don’t quite have myself figured out anymore.
i’ve always been a very extreme person.
hot. cold.
fast. slow.
excited. lazy.
either all in or all out.
there really is no in-between with me.
i would just trust what my gut told me to feel and follow it.
until…my feelings began to lead me astray.
after a breakup, you really don’t feel like loving…do you?
because i actually did.
i wanted to love the very next woman i saw.
and in my mind, i begin to place my affection eggs all in one basket.
there.
i have an object to focus on.
and i’m happy.
until i’m not.
and all the fears rush in.
what if you’re wrong?
what if it happens again?
what if she’s not “the one”?
what if you don’t feel the same way tomorrow?
my gut started to let me down.
my gut instinct no longer tells me the difference between the right thing and the wrong thing.
the right person or wrong person.
the right thing to say or the wrong.
what am i doing?
what happened to me?
i’ll tell you…
i failed.
i made mistakes.
i got hurt.
i made others hurt.
i’m afraid of it happening again.
and now i’m piecing my life back together but the pieces don’t fit the way they used to.
i’m sure i’m not the only one who has felt this.
think about it…
do you really want to go back to the way things used to be before all of this happened to you?
you can try to convince yourself otherwise, but you simply cannot go back.
and why would you want to?
no matter the pain…you’re stronger now.
no matter the sadness…there’s more joy now.
no matter the trial…you’re wiser for it.
you are better today than you were yesterday and that’s the way it should be.
then why am i so afraid?
why can’t i trust my feelings?
why do i go 100 to 0 just like that?
because in life…some things feel really good.
i mean really good.
like “this must be right” good.
and some things feel really bad.
like real bad.
like “this is not real life” kinda bad.
and when it’s time for you to make decisions that could be good for you again, you remember making similar decisions which led to you feeling bad.
(greg, use better english)
i’m trying to be as simple as possible here.
your scars just might be the most important thing in your life from now on.
yes…they feel bad.
and yes…they do come with fears.
but they also come with wisdom.
they come with knowledge.
they come with experience attached to them.
sometimes, i don’t feel very good about going to the gym.
but i know i’m not building my decision to go to the gym based on how i feel.
i’m building my decision to go to the gym based on the values i’ve agreed to live by.
i want to stay fit.
so i go to the gym, especially when i don’t feel like it.
so i eat healthy, even when i want cake.
so i try to go to bed early, even when my favorite show’s new season just dropped.
so i read my bible, even when i don’t have time.
so i call my mom, even when i think she doesn’t need me.
so i take it slow, even when i feel like loving 100 percent from the start.
i think this is why it’s important to have some really great friends in your life.
people who are on the journey with you.
people who are better than you.
people behind you who can learn from your mistakes.
you need people to push you to be that better person when you don’t feel like it.
because you won’t.
you won’t feel like it.
and just because you don’t feel like it, doesn’t mean you quit.
so stand in the face of fear even when everyone else feels they should run away.
i want to be someone who doesn’t give up.
i want to be the man whose wife is proud of him.
i want to be that guy who saves the day, not because i felt like it, but because everyone didn’t feel like it.
i’m going to have to say no to my feelings if i’m going to say yes to my values.
so loving might be harder now…but worth it.
so decisions might be tougher now…but they’ll pay off.
so listening to God might feel like it goes against your natural instinct…
but He’ll always be right and He’ll always do right by you.
because He knows what’s best for you.
even when you don’t.
and especially when you don’t feel like it.
He’s got you.
you don’t have to have it all figured out.
i certainly don’t.
-gb
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