two views
lately i’ve felt like some moments of my past were dreams.
as if they happened in another lifetime.
distant flickers. clouded memories.
i have a weird way of recalling past moments.
i swear i don’t forget a thing, but in order to focus on the present, i place the past behind closed doors.
i don’t always recall everything.
the doors are sometimes locked.
to jog my memory, i need you to start describing when, where or what happened.
the door knob turns,
light streams through the cracks and floods me with all knowledge of past events.
it happens more often than i’d like.
same thing with song lyrics.
“i don’t remember this song”
song starts playing…boom there’s the verse.
it just happens.
so when i see old photos, it triggers something in me,
i begin to recall not just the events,
but the sights and sounds.
how hot the rooms was.
how i felt.
what i was thinking about in the moment.
i’ve become obsessed with film cameras again.
i finally developed some old film.
some from back when i was 15 years old. (that’s a long time ago)
i took a couple rolls of film to Europe with me in 2018,
there was one day on my trip where i was in between meeting up with friends while passing through London.
while i was in there i decided to go see Aladdin.
while i was waiting, i looked for the most “american” food i could find to try it out.
a burger.
i sat down, table for 1, and i contemplated my life thus far.
i never planned on going to Europe alone.
5 years prior, i went to my best friend’s wedding in Germany.
we decided to take a pit stop in Paris for 3 days.
i was the 5th wheel.
i remember laying in front of the Eiffel tower with less glasses of wine in me than my friends.
i wondered why i was there if i didn’t have someone special to share it with.
this moment in the burger place felt a lot like the same.
i thought i’d never have to travel alone again.
thought i’d always have a partner in crime to galavant across the globe with.
and here i was, looking for familiarity in an unfamiliar place.
a hand to hold.
some fries to steal.
someone to talk to besides my own mind.
i knew i never wanted to feel sorry for myself again.
so i took out my film camera and snapped a photo.
better than that, i also took out my phone and snapped the exact same shot.
i wanted to see this moment through two different eyes.
my current view and hindsight.
it took me a year and a half, but i finally got that picture developed, and you know what?
i’m glad i felt that way then.
and i’m even more glad that i don’t feel that way now.
i think it’s healthy to sit and reflect.
to let yourself FEEL something. especially in grief.
you gotta cut yourself some slack.
you’re doing better than you think you are.
you’re gonna get up and never feel that way again.
give into it, only for a moment.
and leave it there.
i got up from the table a new person, determined to change the trajectory of the night.
favor ain’t fair.
i somehow paid only $20 to sit on the 4th row of the theater and watch an extraordinary performance.
i got out and the streets of London consumed me.
it was electric.
the rest of my trip took on a new form.
i was more free, looking at things with new eyes.
today is different than yesterday.
you don’t have to be the same.
you don’t have to be held back by the same things.
you can cut the strings.
you can take a new picture.
you can look at the world with new eyes.
but it starts with you.
you have to decide.
take a mental picture.
lock it away.
allow yourself to step into a new room.
you can always open up those closed doors whenever you’re ready.
-gb
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