Intimacy Unveiled
“The opposite of loneliness, it’s not togetherness. It’s intimacy.” –Richard Bach
Defining Intimacy
Intimacy is how we, as social beings, experience deep connection and closeness with others. It’s no surprise that understanding intimacy and what it means for us can feel both tricky and scary. When referencing intimacy, it is common to limit the scope of intimate relationships to those that are only romantic or sexual. While sex can be an experience of intense closeness and intimacy, intimacy is in no way limited to the physical.
In fact, we have the opportunity to experience many kinds of intimate relationships in various parts of our lives. Intimacy can be shared between family members, peers, community members, friends, and partners. Since you likely have these kinds of relationships in your life, let’s explore what might deepen their meaning. Here, we’ll explore intimacy and work toward understanding how to strengthen our connection with self and others.
Building Intimacy
Building any kind of relationship requires reciprocal give and take. Renowned relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman — the author of The 5 Love Languages — uses the metaphor of a “love tank” to describe the unique ingredients individuals may need to experience intimacy and feel adequately loved. He likens the “love tank” to a fuel tank in which love, connection and intimacy power relationships. Dr. Chapman explains that understanding and identifying how we show our affection and how we receive affection from others is fundamental in filling our “love tank” and in turn important when cultivating intimacy with others.
Exercise: Take a few minutes to reflect on this questions: When have I felt fueled by deep connection? When have I experienced intimacy?
Can you be curious about your responses? Have your experiences of intimacy been geared toward the physical, like touch, maintaining eye contact, sex, or being held? Or have these intimate experiences been emotional, like sharing something vulnerable, expressing appreciation, choosing to trust, thinking of another, or sharing an understood silence? While each person may have unique experiences of intimacy, a common and prudent part of it is that the experience is shared.
People involved in a relationship meet, and the space in which their feelings and needs join is the birthplace of intimacy; it seeps into the psychological spaces of the individuals building feelings of connection, being seen, understood, and valued.
Our relationships with others offer us some thing that makes us feel warmth, comfort and connection. Reflecting on the simple experience of sitting with friends can illuminate what intimacy in these relationships can offer, like comfort in knowing that despite the chaos of life, these friendships will persevere and fill an emotional desire for love, acceptance and belonging. Intimacy can even exist in places like a structured work environment where shared experiences allow for a felt sense of being understood, valued and connected with co-workers.
Overcoming Resistance to Intimacy
Here’s the catch — intimacy can feel like a risk. This is because intimacy requires vulnerability. To be vulnerable with someone means to let them know you beyond the defenses that ordinarily give you a feeling of safety and self-preservation. Our gut reaction and response to things is an evolutionary strength! But, sometimes sticking to only what feels safe does not allow for growth of self or the development of fulfilling relationships. It’s important to remember that growth, especially emotional growth (as is required when seeking greater intimacy) is not linear. A common part of the process of building intimacy includes regression. It is normal for us to revert to old patterns of self-protection. Even though these familiar ways of being hinder our achieving desired connection, they feel much safer than taking a vulnerable leap. When you find yourself in this position, that is, attempting to connect in ways that are unfulfilling, notice it, let yourself be curious about it, and listen to what you are needing. It may be that you readjust in that very moment, or that you revisit the discomfort later. In fact, allowing yourself to be curious at all is an indication that you’re on the path to strengthening the connection and intimacy in your relationship with yourself, and likely others too. When the relationship we share with our self and others is founded in intimacy, all parties can be open about their current internal state of affairs. Sharing your understanding of what it is that’s holding you back from achieving the level of connection and intimacy that you desire fosters the very thing that you are after — deeper connection.
The quest to achieve deeper connection starts with you exploring and defining what you need to build intimate and strong relationships. Fostering intimacy is a process that evolves. Ask questions, challenge ideas, and sit with your answers — your truth. Welcome new experiences as they add value to how you make sense of the world and share those experiences with those with whom you are close. Intimacy, though sometimes allusive, can afford us secure and durable relationships. Intimacy is a durable thread with which meaningful connection is woven.
