Self-Care, Self-Boundaries, and Self-Actualization
For anyone who is considering engaging in therapy, know that there are two themes that will likely be visited early on and returned to often.
They are: Self-Care and Boundaries.
What’s less frequently explored is the relationship between the two. Let’s take a look at some basics of both, then dig into their intersections.
For many, self-care has become synonymous with the anthem of “treat yo self”. To be fair, these concepts don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Self-care can include taking a vacation, splurging on a nice dinner, and getting a massage. But, these self-treats are only one piece of the self-care puzzle. This is because there is a significant difference between treating yourself, and nurturing yourself.
From a therapeutic perspective, the aim of “self-care” is to learn to practice self-nurturing. While acts of kindness toward self as those described above might be on your path toward actualizing self-nurturing, they are only a start. By nature, growth requires discomfort (think “growing pains”) and we are largely discomfort avoidant. It’s this avoidance of discomfort that dumbs down “self-care”. Instead of striving to grow into ourselves — to move toward self-actualization by sticking with uncomfortable passages of growth, we opt to indulge in fancy boozy brunch. (And hear me, I’m not knocking fancy boozy brunch, I’m simply advising that you not confuse it with self-care). True self-care goes much deeper and is far less fleeting then an immediately gratifying indulgence — and it requires boundaries.
Boundaries How?
Psychologically, boundaries refer to the limits that we set with others and with ourselves that are protective of our health, safety and integrity. When discussing boundaries it’s most common to explore how we do and do-not set them with others. However, in the context of self-care, it’s important to consider how to manage boundaries with ourselves.
For example, you may know that you thrive when you have structure…you recognize that you are at your sharpest, most creative, and most self-assured when you know what is coming next. You also know that on the weekends, which are primarily unstructured, you’re inclined to buck the system that serves you and engage in activities that are not aligned with your best self — like ordering enough takeout to feed a family of 3 all for yourself…or caving to the urge to contact an ex. In this scenario, setting a healthy boundary with yourself might mean planning and committing to carry out a few structured events over the course of a weekend that DO align with your best self. For instance, you plan to get tea with a friend you haven’t seen in awhile, pre-order tickets to see an opening exhibit at your favorite museum, and then carve out time to sit down and reflect via your creative-outlet-of- choice on the two experiences. In this sense, setting boundaries with yourself that align with embodying the best version of you is much about saying “no” to distractions and “yes” to your care.
In fact, learning to say “yes” to you is an essential component of self-nurturing. On the surface, saying “yes” sounds easy…but easy is not always simple. Because our culture skews toward a model of scarcity, it’s likely that you are most familiar with operating from the false-belief that there is “not enough” for you to take your share, or that you have “not yet earned” the right to prioritize your own wants and needs — your own growth. Note, however that the construct of scarcity is harsh, and there are few organisms that grow and thrive in harsh conditions. Organisms thrive when nurtured. To be invested wholly in your own growth requires rejecting the construct of scarcity, leaning into saying “yes” to you, and reflecting on how this “yes” supports movement toward being your best.
There is a reason self-care and boundaries are themes visited and re-visited in therapy; they create the foundation to thrive. And ultimately, that’s a universal treatment goal.
About The Author
Coley Williams is the Co-Founder and Chief Medical Officer of Level Therapy. She is also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and practices psychotherapy in California. You can connect with her on LinkedIn.
