124. FACE TO FACE

Brian Grazer, the producer of movies like Apollo 13, Splash, and A Beautiful Mind, wrote about curiosity in his first book, A Curious Mind: The Secret to a Bigger Life. I drew from that book in an earlier post. Now Grazer has written a book entitled Face to Face: The Art of Human Connection, from which I draw in this post.

After writing that first book, Grazer pondered what made his conversations about curiosity impactful. “I quickly realized that it was the ability to connect with someone — to look them in the eye and signal to them that I wanted to actually listen to them and learn from them. Figuring out how to connect has probably been the most important skill I’ve learned in life, and I use it every day: in negotiations, on movie sets, with friends, and especially in new situations.”

“In today’s world, we seem to be losing this key ingredient to our health, happiness, and success. Everything is always go, go, go. We don’t take the time to really see the people in front of us; we are not patient enough to stick with the gradual process of building meaningful relationships. Instead, the modern impulse is for quick, transactional communication.”

“Now, I’m the first to acknowledge the benefits of having a mobile computer in our hands, and yes, I am known to post breakfast videos from my backyard. But the more preoccupied we become with devices and the more social media monopolizes our attention, the more we seem to be sacrificing real connections for virtual ones, and the rewards of these mediated relationships just aren’t the same.”

“Just as Wi-Fi connects us to endless information on the internet, making eye contact opens up endless possibility. … In addition to making me a more focused, active listener, being able to look someone in the eye puts me in a mindful state and makes me more self-aware. It gives me internal power and confidence. And that draws people in.”

“The best curiosity conversations are the ones where both people are engaged, contributing, and learning from each other. We’re absorbed in each other’s eyes, listening, empathizing, and, sometimes, even reaching a place of vulnerability and trust. … I often find myself thinking, ‘Wow, this is like being on the most fantastic date.’ When I feel the chemistry of a real connection, I don’t want it to end.”

“Research suggests that the ideal length of time to hold a person’s gaze if you want to form an authentic connection is seven to ten seconds (three to five if you are in a group). Any longer than that can turn people off and start to feel creepy.”

“When it comes to communication, if we are not paying attention to the people around us — or face to face with us — we are more likely to miss out on key information, misunderstand intentions, and lose opportunities to gain or keep trust and respect.”

“If we want to have the kind of communication that leads to meaningful connections, it is essential that we stay alert and fully focused. For me, eye contact is key to being present.”

Q: Are you comfortable with this face-to-face way of connecting with people?