28. ALL YOU NEED
I believe that the quintessential clue to being the creations we are ordained to be is LOVE. However, in spite of all the poems and songs and books and movies that have been written and produced on love, it still seems a somewhat illusive principle for relationships.
This week I will focus on love in all three posts with the hope that it will stimulate some new thinking and maybe even some new relationships. Where do we begin? How about with the Beatles? Remember these words?
Nothing you can make that can’t be made
No one you can save that can’t be saved
Nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time
It’s easy
All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need
From Wikipedia: “All You Need Is Love is a song by the English rock band the Beatles that was released as a non-album single in July 1967. It was written by John Lennon and credited to Lennon–McCartney. The song served as Britain’s contribution to Our World, the first live global television link, when the Beatles were filmed performing it at EMI Studios in London on 25 June 1967. The programme was broadcast via satellite and seen by an audience of over 400 million in 25 countries. Lennon’s lyrics, which were deliberately simplistic to allow for the show’s international audience, captured the utopian sentiments of the Summer of Love era.
“The single topped sales charts in Britain, the United States and many other countries, and became an anthem for the counterculture’s embrace of flower power philosophy. … For his part, Lennon said in a 1971 interview: ‘I think if you get down to basics, whatever the problem is, it’s usually to do with love.
‘So, I think All You Need Is Love is a true statement … It doesn’t mean that all you have to do is put on a phoney smile or wear a flower dress and it’s gonna be alright … I’m talking about real love … Love is appreciation of other people and allowing them to be. Love is allowing somebody to be themselves, and that’s what we do need.’”
Before John Lennon, there was Adam and Eve. Author Bruce Feiler in The First Love Story: Adam, Eve, and Us came to feel that Adam and Eve Top of Form”were the first to grapple — sometimes successfully, other times not — with the central mystery of being alive: being un-alone.”
Adam and Eve remind us of the power of connectivity. Relationship is central to well-being. Feeling isolated, left out, and alone leads to depression, anxiety, hostility and more bad stuff. One researcher found that “Being lonely triggers cellular changes in the body that make the immune system less able to protect vital organs.” The Bible was on to something, says Feiler, when it reported God’s affirmation, “It’s not right for humans to be alone.”
Adam and Eve began life crazy for each other, but Eve craved independence, wandered off, and chose to eat the fruit, and Adam chose companionship over duty. Sound familiar?
“From the moment God divides them in two, they alone are responsible for writing their own narrative. Theirs is the first joint byline. … Love is a story we tell with another person.” Feiler tells us that those first lovers gave us a great model for love.
Emily Esfahani Smith writes about the research of psychologist John Gottman and his wife, Julie, who have studied thousands of couples trying to figure out what makes relationships work. Their in-depth research surfaced some interesting insights.
Couples who sustained long-term relationships tended to continue in warm and affectionate behavior even when they were in conflict. The climate of trust and intimacy that they created between them allowed them to be more emotionally and physically comfortable even when dealing with tough issues.
In an extended-time laboratory, partners were observed in what Gottman calls “bids.” When one noted something of interest and sought a response from the partner, some would respond with sincere interest, and some would express minimum interest.
“People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t — those who turned away — would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. … Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow-up had ‘turn-toward bids’ 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had ‘turn-toward bids’ 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.”
“If your partner expresses a need, explained Julie Gottman, and you are tired, stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes a bid, and you still turn toward your partner. … Neglecting small moments of emotional connection will slowly wear away at your relationship. Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.”
“Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there. … Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated — feel loved.”
Kindness can be expressed by being charitable about your partner’s intentions, celebrating ways to share joy, and responding positively to your partner’s good news, in other words, showing genuine interest. These expressions are associated with higher relationship quality and more intimacy between partners.
In one of Alan Alda’s podcast interviews, sex therapist Dr. Ruth said that before she could talk about sex with anyone, they must first have a partner. Alda noted, “There was a time, it seems to me, when people had a relationship and that led to sex. Now, they have sex and maybe that leads to a relationship, but not necessarily.” Dr. Ruth and Alda agreed that meaningful sex emerges from meaningful relationships.
Q: How loving is your life?
