79. EMPATHY: STRENGTH AND WEAKNESS

Wikipedia defines empathy as “the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another’s position.” It would seem that empathy is a capacity that differentiates human beings. It is also an essential component of transformational dialogue as well as the means by which we relate to one another and stretch ourselves to the potential for which we are ordained.

Shawn Meghan Burn, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology who wrote in Psychology Today an article with the challenging title: “Is Empathy Your Greatest Strength and Greatest Weakness?” This post draws from that article.

Burn noted that helpful people are empathic. “In short, readily taking the perspective of others and feeling other people’s distress makes you more likely to take responsibility for the welfare of others and act to help them.”

She asks, “Are you an empathic, helpful person? … The people you care about, the people you work with, and even complete strangers, benefit from your helpful nature. The cooperation and helpfulness of people like you have contributed to human survival, social change, and productivity. Empathic people counter the more selfish and ruthless people that are also among us. No doubt about it, we need empathic people in this sometimes cold, hard world.”

However, she adds that “… empathy is painful and we can be so motivated to reduce that pain that we help when we shouldn’t, or in ways that aren’t helpful. Empathy can lead to impulsive rescuing when rescuing isn’t the best thing to do. It can lead to unhealthy helping that enables poor performance or irresponsibility. It can lead to excessive self-sacrifice or helping in ways that compromise your integrity.”

“If you’re like me — an empathic person that easily experiences others’ distress — you know how hard it is to set boundaries around what you’ll do for others, and how hard it is when people ‘push’ those boundaries. With that in mind, here are some strategies I use to make my empathy a strength in my interpersonal relationships, rather than a curse.”

“I don’t rush to rescue and fix. … I’ve learned to override my empathic impulse long enough to make a reasoned decision about whether my intervention is really best. I think about whether I can physically, emotionally, or financially afford to help and whether helping puts me at risk ethically or legally. I consider whether my help will enable another’s immaturity, addiction, or irresponsibility, and what giving now might commit me to later. … If I decide to help, I consider the type of help that would be most helpful, and most healthy, for all parties involved. I also remember that when many people tell me of their troubles, they’re just looking for emotional support and don’t want or expect me to fix them or their problem.

“I ride out my boundary-setting ambivalence and override my empathy ‘spin.’ When I set a needed boundary my empathy sometimes leads me to question whether my boundary is fair or mean because I can see my boundary from the other person’s perspective. I feel the hardship or disappointment my ‘no’ will cause and it makes me question myself. But I’m getting better at stopping this empathy spin by reminding myself why the boundary is needed and why giving in isn’t a good idea.”

“I’m becoming more assertive with the ’takers’ that persistently ignore and test my boundaries. Every once in a while, I encounter a person that tries to use my empathy to manipulate me into relaxing my boundaries. … I hold firm when it’s clear the other person has no empathy for me and my boundaries.”

“I’m cultivating empathy for myself. Empathic people, especially ones that have ‘prosocial’ values that emphasize other-centeredness and giving, can go too far in putting other people before themselves. They don’t treat themselves near as well as they treat others and they can overextend themselves emotionally, physically, or financially in service to others. I’m learning to give myself a little bit of that compassion I’m so quick to give others so I can set the helping boundaries I need to preserve my well-being without guilt. I work to counter the thoughts that can support my helping martyrdom.”

Q: Are there lessons for you in the reflections of Dr. Burn?