Compounding Reflections
Transformation through expressed gratitude.
Saturday morning I walked in to teach a yoga class. The room was full, and still, more souls were streaming in to lay out their mats. I began directing traffic. A woman who’d left an awkward amount of space between her and the person in front of her wouldn’t move closer because “that woman has stinky perfume on.” I understood.
“Switch with the person behind you and both of you slide forward,” I said. “the space in front of the door needs to stay open. “
“I always practice in front of the door,” she countered.
“Yesterday this room was at capacity and the space in front of the door was open. It will be open today as well.” I replied. “It’s a fire hazard to lay a mat down in front of the door.”
Incensed, the woman spoke audibly to the room,
“Are you teaching? Where is Courtney? Doesn’t she teach this class? This is ridiculous!”
“You can wait and see, if there’s not a spot you can practice in front of the door.” I said, and turned around to set up my music. She sat down in a huff, fuming, mat folded, barely past the swing radius of the door.
I was throttled. And not just because of the parking incident in front of the door! Before arriving to class, I had shared with the man in my life my desire to have a child, at some point, with my own body. And confirmed that he would rather adopt and has no plans to have any more children, physically.
After such a conversation, my vibration was already at an interesting threshold. I’m not surprised that energy such as her’s greeted me on my way into the teacher’s seat.
A woman who comes to many of my classes, Michelle, walked up, held both of my hands, looked into my eyes and said, “Elizabeth, I’m so glad you’re here. Thank you for teaching.” And walked out of the room.
I set down my musical device and stepped out to shift my energy as best I could before the class. Michelle was at the front desk asking to have the “disrespectful” woman removed from class. I thanked Michelle. Shared that I understood her protests. But stood firm. My Heart was in control, and my heart wanted the woman to have the freedom to stay or go as she chose.
As a student, I had done similar things. As a teacher, I must now gracefully receive my own previous behavior, no matter the vibration.
At 10:36, I walked back in and shut the door. Experiential awareness of both sides, student and teacher, granted me courage. I stood in front of my harmonium, between the woman and the door, and spoke:
“I’d like to begin by thanking my teachers, both seen and unseen. I want to share with you my gratitude for them, and for all the buttons they pushed. All the times they made me uncomfortable, pissed me off and showed me how I blindly reacted instead of responding. They showed me how I let life push me around by pushing my buttons.
I want to share with you my gratitude for their patience with me while I hated them, blamed them, and lashed back at them. I am not here to coddle you. I stand here open with my deepest desire to uncover in you, the truth of yourself. To show you that you are the most powerful being in your life — should you choose to see the world coming at you as a reflection of what you can’t see within you.”
I thanked the class and sat down in front of the harmonium, directly in front of the disgruntled woman. I did not rush. Took a breath. Closed my eyes. Drew my energy in and loved myself for a brief moment. My voice wavered. I played the chords; we chanted Om three times, as I always do.
I asked for a “call and response, like sixth-grade camp: I say something and you say it back.” And then felt paralyzed. I knew I had to sing my frequency into a stable resonance. My body shook. I did not know what would come. Then, before anything else in my inner realm, the soft loving voice said, “just open your mouth and start.”
My heart belted out, wavering through the wobbles, until smooth, a well-known chant in a melody I’d never sang before. There were many in the room who had taken my class the morning before, more still that had come because I was teaching. Their voices lifted my heart, and I hope hers, as together, we sang in Sanskrit for the happiness and the freedom for all.
I am thankful for every milestone. I could tell this experience was a major reflection of my inner work. The work to shift from reaction to response, from blame to responsibility, to embrace and include rather than shun and exclude.
Throughout the asana class, my heart shared how important it is for us to learn what our buttons are. Because when we don’t know, the buttons are driving, we are reacting, and the “outside” world has control.
I spoke of an interview I overheard, where a man was asked of his power to influence. He countered that his power was not his ability to influence, but in his ability to NOT be influenced by others. What a statement!
My heart spoke of Great Responsibility and Great Power. That our willingness to take responsibility for our reactions and responses leads us to step into our Greatest Power. Mastery of self.
Most important of all, I said that I loved and accepted each one of them exactly as they are. That they are whole and perfect, right now. That they will grow, and they will change, but that they are whole and perfect, in every now.
We are all orbs of energy, bouncing off one and drawing in another. We move and shape-shift each other by focusing inward, removing inconsistencies in our energies. Move and shift together, uplift, drift, dip, dive & conversely thrive!
When we realize the power to drive,
Resides inside
The external world made only to contrive
An alternate reflection
To the inward direction.
This riddle keeps me centered in this crazy human experience. Representing the desire to search for greater depths of equanimity. For inner peace to continuously expand to the depths of my shadow. Picking up the screaming, kicking inner realms and holding them close. Close enough that they may sob out the tears, share all their fears, and feel safe to raise their gaze back into the world. Sharing their love and joy with all.
For in these inner realms reside the keys to the continuity of our consciousness. The capacity not to react, to respond with the awareness of what we are emanating, what we are co-creating… of a world we want to see. A world of which we want to be.
Lokah — Samastah — Sukhino — Bhavantu
May all beings everywhere be happy and free.
May the thoughts words and actions of my own life
Contribute in some way,
To that happiness,
And to that freedom,
For all. — translation by Sharon Gannon.
Thank you to all my teachers, near and far, seen and unseen, but specifically for this article: Kristen Watson-Geering, Sharon Gannon, David Life, Andrea Boyde, and Jeffrey Cohen. May all your good come back to you.
