All The S%#t I Tell Myself I’m Not Supposed To Say, Or Feel, Or Even Think
I didn’t fit into his frame
And he didn’t quite fill mine
Which leaves me plenty of room to blame
Him for not being all I said he said he’d be
Have you ever felt like your feelings are totally unacceptable? Like, not only are they unjustified, but they’re something to be ashamed of? Like, if anyone knew how you REALLY felt about a certain situation it would completely change the way they feel about you?
I’m feeling that very much right now, and have been for weeks. I’m fighting like crazy to dismiss what I feel are despicable feelings, but (as feelings seem to do) they’re creeping out in the form of anxiety, sleepless nights, loss of appetite, irritability, racing thoughts, and an overall apathetic feeling toward my favorite hobbies and activities.
My boyfriend and I broke up, and I’m broken up about it, but I’m not hurting for the reasons I believe I SHOULD be hurting. In fact, I’m feeling a lot of shit I don’t feel I have a right to feel, and that shit is leaving me wanting to crawl out of my skin.
I feel like I SHOULD be mourning the loss of a great love. I feel like I SHOULD be lonely. I feel like I SHOULD be terrified that I’ll never find someone as amazing as he was. Is. Whatever.
The truth is, I HAVE felt those feelings. I’ve felt them for months. THAT’S WHY WE BROKE UP!!! Our relationship ended a long time ago. I remember the exact day that it ended. I told him the exact day it ended. It was in July. We didn’t break up until January. I wasn’t done yet, he wasn’t done yet, but the relationship was done. I grieved for 6 months while continuing my relationship. I don’t feel like that’s an okay thing to admit, but there it is.
I’ve grieved the loss of a romance that lasted 1/3 of my life. I’ve grieved the loss of a partner who stopped being a partner to me and me to him long ago. I’ve been consumed by the fear of not ever finding better, or unknowingly walking away from the best. I’ve lived with the fear of, “what if,” I’ve KNOWN the fear of making an irreparable mistake.
And I’ve been lonelier over the last eight months than I have been in years.
All of these feelings I believe I SHOULD be feeling have already happened. I’ve been feeling, and feeling, and feeling, and processing, and processing, and processing.
So what do I ACTUALLY feel today? What are the thoughts and feelings I am ashamed to admit?
I feel free.
I don’t believe I’m supposed to feel free yet. I believe I’m still supposed to be breaking down in tears multiple times a day. I believe I’m supposed to be fragile and broken. I believe I don’t have the right to smile and laugh. And yet, here I am, feeling free.
I’m terrified that people are judging me.
I’m afraid people think the relationship falling apart is a reflection of me as a person. I’m afraid people think it’s my fault. I’m a bad girlfriend. I’m not a good person. I’m afraid people think I’m weak for not leaving sooner. I’m afraid people think I’m terrible for leaving now.
I feel like I get to be myself.
We didn’t know each other anymore, and what we did know about each other we were liking less and less. I don’t believe I’m supposed to say that out loud. But, it’s how I feel.
I’m grieving security and routine.
I definitely don’t feel like it’s appropriate to admit that I’m having a harder time with not having a routine or security than I am with losing love. The things I’ve come home to for years are no longer there. I don’t know what to expect in the future. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN!!!
A couple of months ago, I said to my friend, “It’s not like things are BAD,”
Her response was, “Ali…it sounds REALLY bad…”
It was really bad. Not because either of us are bad people or were terrible to each other, but we had become two people living under a shared roof, and not a whole lot more. It was incredibly lonely, and that made it really bad.
But it was familiar, and safe, and controllable. I’m terrified today because nothing is familiar, or safe, and I feel like I have no control. So I’m a mess. I want to run a marathon, and, at the same time, wrap myself in a cozy blanket, and sleep for days. THOSE TWO THINGS CANNOT BE DONE SIMULTANEOUSLY…
Neither can I simultaneously be true to myself while pretending to be what I think another person wants me to be.
