Follow These Simple Steps to Beat Fear Every Time and Without Fail
In my very first blog post I wrote About:
Reflection + honesty + a teeny tiny bit of action > fear (every time, and without fail.)
I thought it was a good premise for a blog. It gave me something to write about that seemed like it could be important. Just how important it would become in my life was inconceivable a year ago.
EVERYTHING IS HARD BEFORE ITS EASY
I’ve often said that quitting drinking was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. What was even tougher than giving up booze, though, was learning how to sit with uncertainty and discomfort. I drank to avoid those feelings, so when I quit, I was consumed with them. I was faced with, and stuck with myself for the first time in years. That formula is how I got through it.
It seemed like everyone was telling me me to just, “surrender,” or, “stop fighting,” and, while those are each great pieces of advice, neither of them came with directions. A person who’s been fighting for decades doesn’t know how to simply, “stop fighting,” Heck, I usually didn’t even know I WAS fighting. I needed to be shown HOW to surrender, and what it looked like to stop fighting.
Fortunately people also told me to pray, and when I asked to whom, they said it didn’t matter — pray to myself, or to my higher self, to a tree, to the sky, or to no one — just pray. They said to share all of my thoughts, desires, fears and plans. Who or what I did or didn’t believe was listening was less important than the act of sitting and reflecting on my thoughts.
Next I was to share the thoughts I was left with after praying with a few people I trusted, and I was to listen to their advice and responses. I didn’t have to implement anyone’s advice — I just had to listen.
Finally, after sitting, writing, talking, and listening, I was to use what I’d learned thus far, to take one small action. I wasn’t looking for the end all be all solution, I was to take just one step toward a solution.
This was really hard! As I mentioned, I don’t do discomfort, and I don’t do uncertainty. When I feel either of those sensations I tend to run away from or run into something — anything — that might give me some level of immediate relief. There was nothing immediate about practicing this formula. It left my skin crawling and my mind racing.
At first.
And then my mind got a little quieter. And my muscles started to relax. And I learned a valuable lesson: Fear is loud and bold, so what I often trusted as my gut was nothing more than the roaring clamor of the unknown. Truth is quiet. And calm. It takes patience to get to the truth, but — after a year of practicing — I’m starting to be able to trust what my gut actually feels like.
Here are a couple other things I’ve learned through sitting, reflecting, and listening to people around me:
CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the amount of change I’ve experienced in the last two years: I closed my business, and moved across the country. I almost lost a decade long battle with alcohol, but here I am — sober. My drinking left me with serious vision loss, and I’m learning to navigate and communicate in a world I see differently than most. I’ve changed careers, built a ton of new relationships, and am starting to repair old ones. It’s a lot. I’m not going to minimize the last two years. BUT part of the reason my world came crashing down around me a few years ago was my absolute need to fight and try to control change.
Everything changes. All the time. It’s changing right now, and no amount of fight or obstinance is going to stop it. The only thing fighting does is make change more uncomfortable than it already is. And obstinance only keeps me from experiencing the unexpected blessings that come with change.
I can get so focused on what I believe to be the best possible outcome that I become blind to obvious warnings against my plan, and fairly glaring hints that something better is waiting if I would just stop trying to force my round peg into the square hole in front of me. I sometimes wonder how many people, places, and opportunities I’ve missed while chasing my narrow-sighted goals and plans.
I used to think I had to fight for the things I love. I’m coming to understand that when things are right, there’s no need to fight. That’s not to say things that are right don’t take work. fight and work are not the same thing. Everything worth while takes work, but it doesn’t have to feel like walking uphill in a windstorm.
GOD IS REAL
About a year ago, I heard someone say,
You can call it odd, or you can call it God.
The saying is simple, and cheesy, and I love it. I’ve witnessed more miracles than I can count, and I’ve experienced more than I deserve. You can call it odd, if that’s more comfortable. I did —I called it odd, miraculous, lucky, karma — I still call it all of those things, but I also call it God. You see, the more of these experiences I’ve had, the more I’ve felt the undeniable power of something bigger than me behind each and every one of them. There are only so many times God can reveal himself before (if I’m being honest with myself) I’m forced to acknowledge him.
Why am I writing about things being odd and God, and those things being one in the same? Because they are. The biggest thing I’ve learned over the last two years is that we cannot be of value to ourselves or others when we’re in turmoil. Drama, anger, hatred, guilt, and shame are here to distract us from our ability to experience and share peace and joy.
Unfortunately, as is the case with many things, the squeeky wheel often gets the grease. Drama is louder than serenity, it’s more demanding, and it often seems like more fun. In fact sometimes it is more fun. In the moment. At the end of the day I have to ask myself what I really want. What have I been chasing all these years? By sitting through my discomfort, I’ve learned that all of those things I’ve been chasing are right here inside of me. And I can’t think of a greater gift than that.
