Let’s Talk About the Good Stuff
I got sober a little over a year and a half ago. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I expected it to be hard. In fact, I expected it to be unbearable. I was as prepared as I could have been to face the people I’d harmed. I owned up to the lying, and the stealing, and the cutting people out of my life. It sucked. As I knew it would. But I was prepared for it to suck.
What I wasn’t prepared for was all the good stuff that would come: I wasn’t ready for the amount of relief that came from owning up to my behaviors. I didn’t understand how much cleaning up my past would change my future. I couldn’t have imagined I was going to come out on the other side of this thing with the indescribable peace, security, and love I’m experiencing today. I feel like a big ball of joy! I feel like each time my heart has reached maximum capacity, it goes and grows on me. I know I’m being cheesy! I’m cheesy these days, and I’m okay with that. I feel intense love for myself, and those around me. I feel connected. I feel purpose and direction. Sometimes I feel it to the point of tears. I often feel it to the point of laughter.
Don’t get me wrong, my life isn’t all lollipops and ice cream cones. Life is full of ups and downs. There are things, “missing,” crappy and sometimes terrible things happen, and I often feel like I’m totally behind on or that it’s too late to reach certain life goals —family, career, financial, etc.
But
I also feel great — like REALLY great. I have incredibly fulfilling friendships today. I’m slowly but surely starting to pursue passions I put on hold over a decade ago. I feel beautiful, and happy, and loved. And when it comes to the not so good stuff, the stuff that’s missing, and the goals I may have missed out on, I have a deep sense that it’s okay. That everything is exactly as it’s supposed to be.
I’ve been feeling this faith to some degree for well over a year, especially when things have been really tough. But, until recently, I’ve been receiving it in small doses, and it’s been clouded with fear, ego, and emotion.
Here’s the thing though, living in faith is a habit, and, like any habit, it takes courage and work to create, and courage and practice to maintain and enhance. I was totally unaware that the work I was doing was creating a habit of living in faith. It kind of snuck in and took over, and I think that might just be how it works: we take teeny tiny actions until our habits change, our outlook shifts, and--BAM--faith.
With that in mind, here are a few of the things I’ve been doing over the last year and a half that have led to this ever growing trust, faith, and love:
ASKING FOR HELP
I don’t like asking for help. In fact, I hate it. I like to tell myself and others that I’m independent and self sufficient. Both are true, buuuut, the real reason I hate asking for help is fear:
1.Fear of being seen as a burden or not good enough: I spent a lot of years feeling like I wasn’t good enough. Like I’d never be good enough. Most (probably all) of my decisions were influenced or controlled by a need for validation and acceptance. I saw asking for help as a sign of weakness, and weakness as a reason for you all to not like me.
It’s been pointed out to me recently that not accepting help from people is a form of denying love. Love is an action, and one of the ways we show love is by helping people we care about. Helping others makes us feel good. Not accepting help or reaching out, then, is a form of rejection.
2. Fear that things will get worse if I’m not in control: I’m a control freak with a wild imagination. I used to fret, and plan, and plan, and fret. I’d try and control and direct everything and everyone. I called it being driven, or independent, or being a go getter, when, in truth, it was fear. I was afraid that someone or something else would do an even worse job than I was doing. There’s a level of security that comes with knowing what an outcome will be, even if I know it’s going to be negative. While I may not be comfortable with what’s going to happen, I’m familiar, and I can prepare for familiar.
Admitting I can’t do something on my own puts me in a vulnerable position, but when the request for help is accepted, that vulnerability leads to trust and deeper relationships. Without the leap of faith it takes to be vulnerable, relationships cannot grow.
Furthermore, my ideas and actions are often clouded with desire, emotion, and ego, making them short sighted and selfish. Getting other people involved is a great way to get new ideas, and see the (quite often, super simple) answer that I’ve completely missed.
Asking for help has led to unimaginable growth, amazing new experiences, and unexpected relationships.
TAKING SUGGESTIONS AND DIRECTIONS
This one’s simple: if you ask for help or advice, try the suggestions given. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried things I didn’t want to do, or things that didn’t make sense to me, and it worked. Not EVERY suggestion is going to work, but, if you’re out of ideas, you’re not going to find a solution without trying new things. You don’t have to believe it will work, you don’t even have to want it to work, you just have to follow directions and suggestions. You’ll be surprised. I promise.
BEING HONEST
I spent the bulk of my life trying to control how people saw me by only sharing what I thought they wanted me to be. It’s an exhausting way to live. In fact, for me, it was becoming fatal. So I got as honest as I was able. First I admitted that I couldn’t stop drinking. I admitted how much I’d been drinking, the things I’d done to hide it, and I owned up (am still owning up) to the harm I’d caused.
Next I looked at the underlying causes of my behaviors. Alcohol didn’t make me act a certain way, it just enhanced some deep rooted flaws in my character. I learned that fear and pride (two sides of the same coin) were running my life. On top of blatantly lying on a regular basis, there was a lot of hiding my feelings, needs, and desires either because I was people pleasing to avoid potential rejection, or because I was trying to manipulate people or circumstances to get my way.
Getting honest sucked. Taking accountability for my actions was hard, but it’s brought a lot of freedom. I thought living sober was going to be about finding or recreating myself. It isn’t — I’ve been here all along — I just had to dig through years of deceit, false beliefs, shame, and obstinacy to get to know me again.
Being honest can be an incredibly vulnerable act, and vulnerable is the one thing I swore I’d never be. Being honest about my needs, wants, and desires, creating healthy boundaries, telling people how much I care about them, sharing my art — all of these things put me in a position to be hurt or rejected. But, once again, I’m finding the opposite of my fears to be true: the more honest I am, the more people I attract. The more people I attract, the more honest I’m able to be.
The biggest gift I’ve received in the last year and a half is the courage to just be me. Apparently people like plain old me a whole lot. I can be weird, and dorky, and overly sentimental. I can be awkward, and over the top. The more I give of myself, the more I get from people. I’ve started a new cycle.
PRAYING. A LOT.
I didn’t want to pray, but it was suggested, so I tried it. I didn’t believe in it, I didn’t believe it could do anything for me, and, as I’d suspected, it didn’t do much at first. It had been suggested I pray everyday for a few weeks, so I did just that. I didn’t know who I was praying to, and quite frankly, I didn’t care. The point is, I was willing to try, and I was willing to do it as directed. I don’t remember exactly when it happened, but prayer became a chance for me to pause and reflect. Just as I was asking for advice from people I trusted, I would sit quietly with that advice and ask for direction and guidance from whoever was or wasn’t listening.
Today prayer is one of the most important parts of my life. I do know who I’m praying to, but that’s irrelevant to this post. Whether it’s to God, to your higher self, or to an empty room, prayer is a chance to slow down, to pause, to give the emotions that cloud your judgement a chance to work themselves out.
FINDING A PURPOSE BIGGER THAN YOU
I don’t know what my life’s purpose is, but I do know that when I get out of my own selfish head, and help someone else, my problems seem much smaller, I feel more at peace, and I feel more connected. I can help another person through writing, calling a friend, or being of service to a person in need. Sometimes it’s as simple as baking cupcakes, making someone laugh, or giving a listening ear. It can be anything, really, as long as it:
- gets me out of me
- allows me to connect with others
- gives me an opportunity to give and receive love
I’ve spent a good chunk of the last 2 years fighting to give up control. The irony of this is not lost on me, but I didnt know any other way. Fortunately, I didnt have to. I simply followed a few suggestions. (Thats not true, I followed a TON of suggestions.) Living in faith, or surrendering is a series of tiny actions that lead to bigger actions, that lead to habits, and slowly but surely, a complete personality change.
Writing that last sentence, my thoughts immediately went to, “Now I really have to get to work to maintain and enhance this new life!”
Old habits die hard, but for today, I think I’ll just continue taking the teeny tiny actions that keep me in faith.
