On Dating
I am single. Not something I expected to say, or write, or experience again — ever. And yet here I am. I haven’t been on a first, first date in over a decade, but I’ve been asked out multiple times in the last week. (EEK!) For years I’ve made sure to mention, “my boyfriend,” regularly. Now that there’s no, “my boyfriend,” I’m experiencing what it feels like to be a single woman, and — while the thought of dating is sometimes exciting — the reality is intense and overwhelming.
I don’t know if I know how to date. I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for in a date, let alone in a mate, and I definitely don’t know if I’m ready to find out.
So, for the last week or two, I’ve been reflecting on dating. (EEK AGAIN!) I’ve been asking for guidance, and trying to get really honest, and the same thought has come to mind, day after day, suggesting that I give up desire and stop trying to direct and control my experiences,
“Just be,” it says, “and the outcome will be exactly as it’s supposed to be…”
Hippy shit, right?
Absolutely! But one thing I’ve learned over the last year and a half is that there’s something to this, hippy shit. There’s power in NOT trying to dissect, understand, and control our experiences. Through sitting without judgement, without trying to hold onto or push away an outcome, I often gain a deeper understanding of the situation at hand.
So, with that in mind, here are a few initial thoughts on dating from a gal who hasn’t dated in years, but is preparing to (someday) take the plunge:
FRIENDSHIP FIRST
I believe in love. In fact, I’m an huge romantic. I believe that someday, someone will again sweep me off of my feet in a whirlwind romance, big love kind of way. I may be newly single. I may be coming out of a breakup, BUT I BELIEVE IN LOVE MORE NOW THAN EVER. THAT’S A BIG PART OF WHY MY BOYFRIEND AND I BROKE UP.
But I need it to blossom from a genuine friendship, not from two people trying to be what they think the other person wants them to be so that they can meet a predetermined end goal of becoming a couple, or getting laid, or landing another date, or whatever.
I want to GET TO KNOW a person. I want to see the cracks in their armor. I want to witness imperfections. I want to accidentally glimpse perfections they don’t see in themselves. I want to laugh and be goofy without worrying about whether or not my goofiness will affect how they see me. I want to see their flaws, and their defects without the constant judgement and criticisms that go along with dating.
IN ORDER TO FIND LOVE, ONE CANNOT SEEK LOVE
I have a good friend and mentor who likes to ask me, “Where is God in this?” Now, when I refer to, “God,” I’m not talking about religion, I’m simply talking about something greater than me. I believe that what she’s asking is, “Are you stuck in self — self seeking, selfishness, and desire? Are you thinking about everyone involved, or are you thinking about you? Are you focused on immediate gratification, or are you looking at the long term?”
“Seek and ye shall find,” may absolutely be true, BUT, when stuck in self, it’s tempting to try and force square pegs into round holes. When we make relationship decisions based on the overwhelming desire to be in a relationship, it’s easy to see what we want to see in another person, and overlook the character traits that don’t fit into our mold. This can lead to frustration, resentment, disappointment, and heartache. We are let down when someone doesn’t turn out to be the person we told ourselves they would be.
Humans are social animals who need love, and a lot of us have a fear (to some degree, at least) of never finding that love. This makes it especially tough to get to know people for who they really are without projecting, twisting, overlooking, or adding to the story of themselves they share with us. I imagine it takes a good amount of honesty, self love, and reflection to let people be who they are — nothing more and nothing less. But, at the end of the day, isn’t that what we all want? To be loved for who we really are — nothing more, and nothing less?
