Sometimes It’s As Simple As Saying Thank You And Shutting Up

I was just called an ASSHOLE by a couple of punk kids!!! The worst part is, they weren’t even rude or immature about it. The second worst part is, I was going out of my way to act like anything but an asshole. Here’s what happened: I was at a coffee shop with a girlfriend, and the barista brought me the wrong drink. I would like to make it known that I am not a coffee snob. I love coffee. In fact, I will put just about any form of it in my body. I just don’t care for blended drinks. (That’s a lie. I LOVE blended drinks. I just don’t feel I should have a milkshake EVERY time I go to a coffee shop.) Anyway, the barista brought me a blended drink. I very kindly asked him to remake it, and he did, buuuut he made the exact same blended drink the second time. Even after I used the words, “hot,” and, “not blended,” multiple times for clarification…

I wasn’t upset. I was confused, but I wasn’t upset. The second time I reordered my drink, I was especially nice. I apologized for the inconvenience, “I just really don’t like blended drinks,” I explained, “Is there any way I can get this as a hot drink?”

In my embarrassment, I didn’t notice the teenagers next to us talking and gesturing loudly about me after the barista walked away. My friend did, and gently spoke up: “I swear, we’re not high maintenance,” she said chuckling uncomfortably, “The drink is just really wrong,”

To which they responded, “Oh, no, we don’t think you guys are high maintenance. We think she’s a complete asshole,” IN THE CALMEST, MOST AGREEABLE TONE OF VOICE PERHAPS ANY HUMAN BEING COULD HAVE POSSIBLY MUSTERED!!!

ME AND MY BIG MOUTH

Now, some people might say I have a big mouth. Some people might even say I enjoy running my big mouth. It’s true, I used to take pride in my ability to put a person in their place. I loved the look on their face or their deflated body when I really gave it to them. At least I believed I loved the feeling. Ego would creep in and tell me I’m smarter than the person standing next to me, and that it would feel good to show them just how much smarter I am. I’d open my mouth, I’d say something nasty, usually disguised as a joke, I’d feel superior for a few seconds, and then I’d spend a much longer period of time feeling like a bad person.

I haven’t always allowed myself to acknowledge that I feel like an a-hole after running my mouth. I used to be so wrapped up in myself that I would justify my behavior all day, everyday, and forcefully brush aside any uncomfortable feelings or consequences that my behavior brought about.

If I’m being honest, I’m still pretty self centered. The difference today is that I (sometimes) recognize when I’m being self centered, and that awareness allows me to choose whether or not to act on my self centered feelings.

It’s tough. I still feel self righteous. I sometimes want the attention that comes from making people laugh AT another person or AT a person’s expense. Sometimes I’m just grumpy, and I convince myself for one or two seconds that taking it out on another will make me feel better. It never does, and in those one or two seconds I can say or do some pretty awful things…

PRACTICE LEADS TO GROWTH

Fortunately, habits are created through practice, and, while I’m not anywhere close to perfect at holding my tongue (or even very good at it yet), my old habit of firing first and asking questions later is slowly being replaced with one of simply shutting my mouth.

Which is exactly what I did with these teenagers. I opened my mouth to say something snarky, closed it and took a deep breath, reopened it, and said, “Thank you. I apologize. Sincerely, what can I do?”

And that was the end of it. They were okay, I was okay, and the barista (who I thanked profusely on the way out) was okay. The confrontation ended and we all went about our days. Yeah, yeah, my girlfriend and I got sarcastic with each other in the safety and solitude of her car when we left, but I don’t think anyone carried away long term resentments from the Asshole Coffee Shop Experience.

While this incident is super unimportant in the grand scheme of things (hell, it’s unimportant in the minor scheme of things), it got me thinking about my big mouth, and why it’s so beneficial to just keep it shut most of the time:

1. It Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You

I spent a good number of years drinking alcoholically. My drinking led me (or at least gave me excuses) to behave in ways that left me filled with guilt and shame. I walked on eggshells waiting for my lies to fall apart, and everyone to realize what a complete waste of space I was. I walked around with anxiety and dread that people would find out about my drinking and the behaviors that went along with it — This is an exhausting way to live.

Today, when I treat people poorly or carelessly, I get the same feeling of dread and shame I felt for so many years while trying to hide my drinking behavior. I feel it on a much smaller scale, but it’s there none the less.

If I had to guess, when we’re honest, we all feel that shame and guilt. And it doesn’t end with the interaction. At least not for me. I end up playing and replaying the scenario in my head. I explain to myself and people around me why my actions were justified. It takes up negative time and energy that, once gone, I cannot get back. It keeps me from being fully present in my next activity. It leads to more grumpiness, and can lead to more bad behavior. Yeah, telling a person off might give me a quick adrenaline rush, but it’s not worth the long term anxiety and or consequences.

2. It Can Hurt You More Than I May Ever Know

I was talking to a friend today about thoughtless comments said to us during our childhood or young adulthood that shaped us and our perceptions of ourselves. I recounted a couple of seemingly meaningless but realistically paramount things said to me as an adolescent. For example: when a friend and I were auditioning for the same jazz choir solo in middle school, and she said something to the effect of, “You have a really good voice, but it sounds so bad when you try to sing high…”

Years later, in high school, I started singing pretty seriously, and argued incessantly against the idea that I was a soprano. In college, my voice teachers forced me to sing soprano. It was traumatic. Really! I was absolutely convinced that my voice sounded terrible as a soprano. The reality is I’m a soprano. My voice sounds best up high because that’s where it’s comfortable. It just took a lot of time and work for my psyche to get comfortable where my voice always had been.

We don’t know how what we say is going to affect a person‘s future choices in careers, relationships, or beliefs about themselves. I’m certainly not saying that my middle school friend is responsible for my insecurities. I chose to hold onto her words. I chose to dismiss all of the people after her who encouraged me. I am responsible for my self esteem and no one else’s, BUT that doesn’t make it alright for me to treat people without thought or consideration.

3. YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE

If I’m mean and snarky toward people, people are more likely to be mean and snarky toward me. If I’m kind and loving, while not everyone will be kind and loving in return, I will receive more kindness and love. More importantly, I will attract kind, loving people. So at the end of the day, if for no other reason, it makes sense to keep my words and actions kind for one simple reason: If I want to get kindness, I’ve got to give it first.

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