why do i don’t want to know my grades anymore

One month ago I came back home from my Maths exam 100% angry.

What? Why was I angry?

Because I’ve experienced the most awful thing ever. I walked into the room feeling totally confident, fully enjoying learning one particular subject, and then, 2 hours later, passed an exam with the worst grade it is possible. I wasn’t sad or depressed. I was feeling frustrated. And it wasn’t about Maths.

And so I started wondering about school system (again). The specific moment, when you know something very well and teacher tears you apart, taking your knowledge away and giving you anxiety attacks for free, in front of the classroom. Why it’s the lack of knowledge that is somehow punished? Why is teacher the only right person that can humiliate you in that many various ways?

Attitude. I’m not telling that the entire system is bad. Non even that there’s a specific percentage of bad things happening there which I, as uneducated sTUdent, who hasn’t even reached maturity, can change. Attitude, as a perspective of seeing possible ways while looking, thinking, and doing.

pause.

And then I came home. Frustrated and angry, getting crazy about a hundred thousand million things I can’t do in Maths. Things which I can’t prove during a one hour exam. Things which I could do better. Things that make together a proof, that I was worth more in grade scale.

But living the “grades don’t matter” life is literally impossible when you and all the people around are still stuck in the Best Grade Kingdom.

And so I’ve left. Telling teachers that I’d like to let my grades go, I’ve started taking feedback from exams and having an opportunity to actually learn from them, which hasn’t often been such a pleasure. And it all felt unbelievably fulfilling, exploring the world where people collaborate, not compete with each other.

That’s why I do not want to know my grades anymore.