How to grow your self-worth
A little over a year ago I found something I never realised was missing, and in finding it, my life changed profoundly.
A year before this, panic attacks had taken over my life to the point where leaving my apartment was difficult, so I made the decision to speak to a therapist. While mental health issues are complex, and a myriad of causal factors knit together to manifest symptoms, my therapist helped me to uncover the key dysfunctional roots that threaded through all my problems. We worked together to address fallacious self-beliefs that I held, and eventually I rewired my brain, over time changing the neural systems that influence cognition. I recalibrated.
As a result, my panic attacks subsided, and after about a year of work, I noticed that my behaviours and thoughts, even split-second reactions to emotionally charged situations had significantly changed. The way I spoke about myself was notably different to the point where my close friends commented on it.
In re-wiring my brain I’d allowed myself to develop a sense of self-worth, and until I had one, I hadn’t realised I’d been missing it. In growing one, I noticed how fundamentally important it is to happiness, success, relationships… probably every corner of life.
The difference was profound. I began refusing to accept things that were less than what I deserved. I had the confidence to change or remove myself from situations that were causing pain or were self-destructive.
Finding my self-worth had such a profound impact on my life that I began to consider the nature of it, how it develops, what other people’s sense of self-worth is like, what methods are effective at growing it, and how it is beneficial to our lives. My background in psychology supported my exploration, allowing me to uncover the fundamental truths about self-worth.
Self-worth, quantum physics and interconnectedness
Self-worth influences all those factors that make us who we are, it shapes how we think, feel, and even how we behave. A damaged or maladjusted sense of self-worth can therefore negatively impact our lives at the deepest level.
It is theorised that naturally, our sense of self-worth develops from internal sources, and it reflects the basic understanding that simply through being a human being we are worthy, regardless of who we are.
The concept is a little tricky to absorb at face value. To grasp it, we must explore the theory of interconnectedness, which has been around for millennia and is ingrained in some of humanity’s oldest traditions and religions, such as Buddhism and Wicca.
Interconnectedness says that humans are connected to each other, the earth and the universe. These days the idea seems unscientific, but on the contrary, many modern discoveries in science’s most robust fields are reinforcing the view that matter and energy are not separate, supporting the theory of life’s interconnection and interdependence.
A recent advancement in quantum physics supports this theory of interconnectedness. Quantum physics has revealed that the objects in the physical world are not the independent, stable objects that we view them as. They reflect areas where waves of energy are denser. In quantum physics, matter and energy are the same, and the particles that make up our world can be explained as even smaller sub-atomic particles that can only be understood through their interactions with each other, rather than as distinct units. Quantum physics validates the idea that our reality is an integrated web of energy. String theory also supports this notion, it states that all matter and energy is made by the same stuff and operates by the same principles.
This theory of interconnectedness helps us understand the natural development of self-worth. Just like individual cells make up a body, humans are components of a bigger entity. We have importance as a unit, but also as a part of a whole. This sense that we matter, just through existing, gives us an innate sense of self-worth.
Science has gone further to supporting this innate connection by demonstrating that reconnecting with nature is beneficial to mental health. Some even theorise that the route of mental illness lies in the loss of this connection that was once the natural order. Even leading planetary scientists claim that we are all made of stardust, further emphasising our innate connection and place as a component in the universe.
It’s this loss of connection, this loss of natural understanding that has people looking to outside sources to fill the space that disconnection has caused. Psychologists at the University of Buffalo have identified that people often base their self-worth on external sources, such as from loved ones, academic achievements, the approval of friends, their physical appearance. Gaining our sense of self-worth in this way proves to be unreliable. If we seek self-worth from other people or external things such as money/status/appearance, then we are putting ourself at risk of losing our self-worth at any moment, because all of these external factors are transient. And therein lies the root of the problem.
Looking in the wrong place for self-worth
A lack of self-worth is not uncommon, and it manifests in different ways, it can influence mental health problems such as anxiety and depression, it can impact our self-esteem and self-confidence, and it can encourage coping behaviours such as excessive alcohol consumption. But why has an underdeveloped sense of self-worth become a common issue?
The root of this is that, due to our lack of connection, we tend to look gain our self-worth from external sources, which do not bring us a true sense of self-worth. It brings us a sense of value based on systems that try to quantify our worth, leading us to feel like we’re coming up short because this system propagates that we could always be more worthy.
Modern society exacerbates this problem in many ways. Social media is fuelling our propensity to let the acceptance and praise of others drive our self-worth. Studies have confirmed that Facebook users are motivated to use the site to attain self-affirmation. Checking who has watched our stories, feeling validated when certain names pop up or likes somehow translating to how we feel about ourselves is a very dangerous place to be. This mechanism fills our need for a sense of self-worth, but its foundations are incredibly precarious. What happens when this source self-worth dwindles or isn’t sufficient?
Gender roles also enforce seeking unstable external sources to attain our self-worth. While as a society we are working on breaking down oppressive gender stereotypes, the traditional views that men should gain their value from things like status, job and income, and that women should seek their value through their physical appearance and relationships still impose their negative influence.
Also, women are stifled from exercising their self-worth. For decades women have been told by science that they lack self-confidence and that this is why they are less successful in business, when this is untrue. Studies have proven that women are punished in business for showing self-confidence, whereas men are rewarded. We also know that repeated behaviours influence our thoughts, meaning that working in an environment that punishes acts related to self-worth is likely to have the impact of damaging our self-worth through internalising these outward projected beliefs.
The benefits of growing self-worth
Self-worth needs to be developed just like any other ‘advanced’ psychological concept. Dedicating some time to grow an authentic sense of self-worth can bring many benefits with the potential of deeply impacting our lives now and into the future. Self-worth can encourage actions and behaviours that promote mental and physical well-being. It can protect us from mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety and even addictions.
Below are five benefits that I have experienced from growing a self of self-worth, that are also backed up by academic study.
- Needs get met
People who value themselves are more able to get their needs met. This is because of the perspective they have. They see themselves as someone with value, and therefore are not content to accept less than what they deserve. This may be in any area of life, in work, love, friendships, or even in reaching personal goals.
2. Better decision making
Until I worked with my therapist I found it incredibly hard to make decisions, even insignificant ones. I thought it was a personality trait. However, people with low self-worth often find decision making to be difficult. Self-worth is closely related to self-esteem, and those with low self-esteem are believed to find decision making hard because they fear the consequences of making the wrong choice, even when no real wrong choice exists.
3. Confidence in solving problems
Self-worth is also linked with problem-solving abilities. A study conducted by a team at the University of British Columbia has shown that individuals of a lower-income background who were given the opportunity to grow their self-worth began to perform better on measures of cognitive ability, including problem-solving tests.
4. Authentic, healthy relationships
Once we recalibrate, and we understand our worth, we are less likely to accept damaging behaviour from others. Empowered with a sense of self-worth we have the confidence to move away from negative, toxic relationships. We are also more likely to feel that we deserve the company of good people, and these people become more visible once our perspectives have shifted.
5. Resilience
Resilience is an amazing quality, it picks us up when we’re down, gives us the motivation to try and try again until we finally succeed, and helps us cope with life’s most damaging blows. A sense of self-worth is vital to the quality of resilience. Knowing our value enables us to not let setbacks keep us down, we see them for what they are, rather than internalising them. For example, a person with a sense of self-worth who interviews for a job and isn’t successful may interpret the situation as being due to a myriad of factors, such as that there may have been a lot of talented people interviewing for the position or the other interviewees may have had more experience, for example. These are external factors that have no reflection of the person. However, someone with low self-worth may interpret the situation entirely differently, they may believe that they didn’t get the position because they’re not smart enough, skilled enough, or likeable enough. These are all internal factors which are difficult to change. The person in this situation who is most likely to pick themselves up and keep going, showing the mark of a resilient person, is the person with self-worth.
Brain plasticity allows us to boost self-worth by changing its structure
Our brains have the skill to physically change their structures in response to cognitive behaviour. Therefore, how we think can influence the physicality of the mind, and these changes in structure can influence future thinking patterns.
The process is called neuroplasticity. It refers to the change that occurs in the brain’s neural pathways through interactions with the environment, cognitions, behaviours and so on. During these processes, the brain strengthens the connections between the activated neurons, and connections that aren’t used go through a process called synaptic pruning, where the pathways become disconnected. When performing a behaviour or cognition repeatedly over time, the connections strengthen, and these pathways begin to shape our character.
The impact of neuroplasticity has been observed in response to cognitive behavioural therapy. Efforts that are made by patients to consciously alter their cognitions and behaviours can be seen in the brain, as the connections change to reflect these efforts.
How to grow self-worth
To encourage the brain’s rewiring to support the development of a healthy sense of self-worth, we can incorporate as many of these five methods into our daily routine as we see fit. Given that we are all individuals, some work better than others for different people. Those that resonate can be developed into a daily habit. Cognitive re-wiring takes time, and consistency is key. Finding those methods that fit into our lives, and that we are motivated to continue on a day to day basis, will be those that we should focus on to foster a consistent effort.
1. Affirmations “I am enough”
The idea of affirmations has been around for a long time. We say positive statements to ourselves which help to address maladjusted and unhelpful self-beliefs that damage our self-worth, replacing them with helpful, healthy, positive ones. Over time we hold them as truth, and they become part of our core understanding of ourselves.
The mechanism of how they work is supported by neuroplasticity. Affirmations can build self-worth through targeting destructive, skewed, negative self-beliefs. The common ones being that we feel that we are fundamentally not enough, or not “good” people, or that we are not loveable. Telling ourselves the opposite a few times each day can help build a belief that we are all these things. Studies have even shown that positive affirmations activate the brain’s reward pathways, making us feel good, and some evidence suggests that these pathways also reduce the perception of pain and help us to handle threatening situations.
2. Address negative self talk
Recognising how I spoke to myself was one of the first techniques I was introduced to in addressing my panic attacks. The method is simple, but it takes time to master. We all have an internal dialogue with ourselves, this dialogue has been with us since we can remember, and because of this we are so used to it that we rarely really listen to it. We hear what it says, but we don’t notice the way it talks to us or common themes that crop up. Taking time to be more conscious of our self-talk can highlight unhelpful patterns, such as a propensity towards negativity. Rather than battling with these thoughts, which can induce anxiety, take a position of curiosity. Consider the negative statement, is it true? Is there a different, more rational statement that it could be replaced with? Usually, there is, and it almost always takes a less negative stance. Through addressing negative self-talk we can cultivate an internal dialogue which is more realistic, and less damaging to our self-worth and self-esteem through reducing the negative bias.
3. Meditate
Above, we discuss interconnectivity. Research has shown that fostering the sense of connectedness that we are believed to have lost, can improve mental health. Meditation is a way of accessing the feeling of connectedness. Through feeling more connected with ourselves, others, and the world, we can foster a natural sense of worthiness that comes from within.
4. Leave comparisons behind
Comparing ourselves to others serves to make us feel “less than”. We compare ourselves to those we believe have more, whatever that may be, whether its wealth, beauty, success, or anything, and we emphasise how much we feel like we’re falling short of this standard. Or, we compare ourselves to those we feel we have more than, and this only serves to give us an inauthentic feeling of self-worth as we try to quantify our value based on external measures.
5. Have compassion for yourself
Feeling compassion for ourselves can be less natural than feeling it for others. We often judge ourselves more harshly, and its these judgements that can wear away at our sense of self-worth. Things not going to plan, skipping the gym, not getting enough done at work, cancelling on friends, can potentially result in us making negative conclusions about ourselves. I’m a bad friend, I’m lazy, I’m not good enough… When we’re being harsh on ourselves it helps to imagine a friend in the same situation, what advice would you give them? Then apply it to yourself.
The key to a happier life
The evolution of our modern society may have moved us away from our once natural feeling of interconnectedness that fostered an innate sense of self-worth, and this may be influenced further by our culturally instilled drive for gaining value through external sources. However, luckily we can make small changes in our daily lives to grow a healthy and strong sense of self-worth, and reap the benefits of living an all-round happier, more confident and more balanced life.
