Surviving Naija Is An Extreme Sport
Musings about surviving in any of Nigeria’s bustling commercial cities
Many people have a bucket list; a list of activities and experiences they would like to engage in during their lifetime. It often involves achieving a feat or doing something beyond the normal things that people do. Such activities and experiences are often perceived as hair-raising or wild, like bungee jumping, which is on my bucket list or swimming across the Lagos lagoon, which someone did recently to raise awareness about suicide prevention.
The type of bucket list activities that I find most inspiring are those that present a challenge. Things that require one to exert oneself beyond a usual capacity, sometimes or very often requiring a high degree of risk. Extreme sports come to mind, like abseiling, mountain climbing, deep sea diving, and skydiving. Something you probably do once and get it out of your system.
In reality, it is only people who have “chopped belleful” (have their needs met and need some form of challenge to stimulate them) that think about putting a bucket list together. Why would anyone think of doing something that they don’t have to do because they are thrill-seeking? And then it hit me! The average Nigerian who lives in a bustling commercial city such as Lagos, Abuja, or Port-Harcourt, probably doesn’t even need a bucket list. Living in most commercial cities in Nigeria alone presents so many opportunities to engage in high-risk activities, that there might as well be no point seeking what is not lost. There are so many adventures that one gets exposed to simply by living in any commercial city in Nigeria.
Here are some of the experiences I believe many people have had that qualify as extreme adventures within most of Nigeria’s major cities.
Riding an Okada on the highway
Getting on an okada travelling across a highway cannot be termed “riding”. No, that experience is greater than that which is why we call it “flying okada”. At the breakneck speeds the riders go coupled with the fact that you’re unlikely to be wearing a helmet or any other protective gear for the duration of the trip, this experience should most certainly count as an extreme sport. Untrained bike riders who have signed a pact with death are often one’s pilots so you are guaranteed a thrill of a lifetime or a bed space at the orthopaedic hospital.
Queuing for fuel during fuel scarcity
It takes a certain mindset to survive a queue during fuel scarcity. First, you have to contend with the emergency gatemen who man the gates of the fuel station and determine who comes in. If you sort them well, you can receive priority access thus shortening your wait time. Then, you have to manage the commotion in the petrol station as the attendants assume their god status for the day and everyone else in the queue loses decorum. If you are driving, you have to assert yourself as those who bring jerrycans to the station struggle to get served before you, irrespective of whether it’s your turn to get served or not.
Driving on smooth roads or through rush hour traffic
There’s a certain spirit that comes upon car drivers when they find out the road is clear for miles. Many people are unaware that all roads have speed limits so we allow ourselves to be guided by the need for speed. Full throttle all the way and be damned whoever decides to drive like a slow coach. Remaining alert is important as many drivers behave like bats out of a hole, rushing directionlessly towards their destination. Now, when there is traffic, another spirit settles on people. There is an urgent need to get out of traffic by any means possible, so changing lanes without signalling and riding bumper-to-bumper are a thing. Your side mirror, bumper, or fender could pay the ultimate sacrifice if you lose guard.
Shopping in a busy market
Go to any of the large markets and you will end up exiting, running for dear life. Every market person wants you to patronise them even though they do not know what you want to purchase. Chances are that you will be grabbed, pulled in every direction possible, catcalled, and if you show resistance, insulted at the very worst. And all this will happen while you navigate the market under the hot sun, sweat seeping out of every pore in your body. Meanwhile, you meander through the market looking for what you want to buy and get lost because there are no directional signs to the various sections in the market.
Registering for any government-related document
If you have ever had to go through the registration process for your passport, driver’s license, voter’s card, or NIN and SIM card in their heydays or close to a government-issued deadline, then you already know what I am talking about. First, you probably have to arrive at the venue before any normal human, potentially 5am, so you can pick a number on the ever-growing queue. If you arrive by 7am, the queue will probably already be at 500 plus people; you snooze, you lose. Then the officials in charge of the registration process take the liberty to determine their working hours, often starting late and closing early, no matter how hard you protest. You could be in the queue for hours and end up not getting registered unless you “find your way”.
Avoiding police and other road traffic officials
They are everywhere, sometimes lying in wait in an obscure part of the road, waiting for you to commit or appear to commit a road traffic infraction. The police, road safety officials, self-appointed local government officials, VIO, and LASTMA are all involved. To survive an unnecessary random stop, one needs to memorise where these officials are likely to be, prepare to present the argument of a lifetime if accused of a violation you didn’t commit, or even make a run for it to avoid unnecessary harassment. Having conversations with them often proves unfruitful as, depending on the circumstance, they hold the yam and the knife.
Catching a bus during rush hour at a busy bus stop
The phrase “survival of the fittest” comes to mind. You have to gather all of your belongings otherwise you risk losing things as you struggle to get into the bus through the window because the people have blocked the entrance in their struggle to get in. Either that or someone is pressing against you during this struggle, ostensibly intending to enter the bus but in reality, positioning to dispossess you of your belongings. Your eyes, ears, nose, hands, and brains all have to work on overdrive to survive this experience.
Following government media reportage
Now, this one is more mental than physical exertion. The government announces something or maybe that something first begins as a rumour seeing as our unofficial news channels always appear to get the scoop early. In the case of the former, evolving events offer a different position from what the government has said so you wonder what the true position is. In the case of the latter, the government denounces the news but a while later, evolving events prove that the national grapevine can never be defeated: first with the sauce, always. The mental maths that goes on before establishing the true position of an official matter is enough to make anyone win a chess grand tournament.
Attending a fire revival
Nothing beats being in the presence of God with other worshippers. That is until you are hit by someone who is fighting an unseen enemy as your eardrums threaten to burst because everyone around you is screaming at unimaginable decibels. You cannot attend such an event and expect to sit down quietly, no way. Everybody is in fight mode as they shout themselves hoarse, moving up and down with sweat trickling through every possible orifice. You are guaranteed to experience lightness in your spirit and body as you instantly lose a few kilograms from running and jumping.
Escaping from a determined creditor you owe money
If you have ever borrowed money from someone determined to get their money back when you couldn’t afford to repay, then you would understand what I mean. Your creditor would have first spent time and money calling and messaging you about your debt. If that doesn’t work, they are likely to arrive at your house before the crack of dawn so they can catch you red-handed. If you are an experienced debtor, you already know that this will happen so you either remain on high alert, ready to jump the fence or you don’t even sleep at home, playing hide and seek until you can settle your debts.
Being a Nigerian requires a special level of grace and is definitely not for the fainthearted. The operating manual installed in us is probably several versions higher than the average human preparing us for the worst things whilst ensuring we can adapt to every situation we find ourselves in. Just in case you feel a need to draw up your own bucket list, be comforted in knowing that you have probably gained a headstart already if you have experienced most of the situations I have highlighted. If you haven’t experienced these situations, you may need to turn in your Nigerian badge and opt for an oyinbo bucket list. As always, this is the way I see things today.
