Conversation in a whales belly
The spaces we fill
“Do you ever wonder if there’s something beyond this place?”
“What do you mean?”
“The whale’s belly, the ocean, the place where the ocean is. There has to be something. A room. A space.”
“We fill space.”
“We choose space.”
I look around in the big, hollow belly. There is not much light. The light that is there seems to come from all directions. I have not been able to determine its origin in all the time we have been stuck in this place. Everything seems kind of blue.
“The other day I had this crazy dream of creating this place. I created the whale and its belly and chose it as my place to be.”
“Why did you choose this then? Why didn’t you choose something with more…space?”
“I didn’t feel like I needed more space.”
“But we need space to grow. Without space, we cannot exist.”
“We fill space.”
“You said that before.”
I don’t know how long it has been. Sometimes I don’t even know if we’re really here. But the space itself proves that time has passed. Without time there is no space, and without space, there is no time.
“We also make space. I make space for you, for your words. For your emotions. I made space for your grief when we first met here.”
“I can’t remember. I guess I didn’t make space for you.”
“What did you fill your space with before?”
“Friends. Places. Emotions, thoughts. Desires, worries. You know.”
“You always decide what to fill your spaces with. And that determines what the space around you is filled with. In the end, you are the space, always.”
“Creating space in a universe that is you. I guess, in the end, it’s called universe for a reason.”
“There is no space without time. But what is time?”
“Time is what clocks measure. I didn’t say that though. Einstein did.”
“Who is Einstein?”
“How should I know? Also, time can move through space, but not the other way round.”
“Do you want a drink?”
“Okay.”
We both sip on our drinks.
“I miss music from the 70s.”
“What are you talking about? It’s still there.”
“Yeah, but the feeling. The spirit of community and rebellion at the same time.”
“We’d need that nowadays.”
“Music also fills spaces. I guess this is another example of how the things you fill into your space can influence your world.”
“Yes. You put the music you like, so why not fill your world with other things you like?”
“It’s scary.”
“The things you like are scary?”
“No, but I’m afraid that others won’t like it.”
“That’s another good thing that happens when you fill your world with your things. You attract people who like the same things. Like music, they will hear it and come to you. And together you will thrive.”
“Well, that is none of your business anyway…Who are you, one of these Instagram gurus?”
“Instagram?”
“Forget it. What did you do before? What did you fill in?”
“I used to be different.”
“How so?”
I look at the ground. I used to be… What should I tell him? The truth? That’s scary. Being honest can be scary. Will he accept me?
“Do you accept me?”
“What? I have to use the bathroom.”
“The… Bathroom? “
“Yeah. Wait here.”
“Where should I go anyways.”
Our voices echo in the great vault. If I did not know better, I would think that we’re in an abandoned church. It is a very strange place. A place where one is doomed to be lost. I can hear him coming back.
“I was negative. Desperate and angry. And so very scared. I filled my heart with bitterness, with frustration. And I thought I was right.”
“There are many things to be mad about. Just look where we are.”
“But I chose to not let these feelings go.”
“I feel so stuck in life. Every day I wake up and go to work and come back and sleep and start over again. I can’t take it anymore, these things that fill all space of my life. I don’t know what to do.”
“You decide what to fill your spaces with.”
“You said that-”
“Listen! It’s up to you. If you want to leave this place, you gotta take the shame and the guilt from the space that occupies your heart. You gotta take it out and then fill it with compassion for yourself. As long as there is no space, as long as it is occupied by the things you do not want, the things you do actually want can’t come in and fill this space. There is no way.”
I scratch my chin. It’s about perception. You have to find a way to change your perception. All of the phrases you heard before will have a different meaning to them. It will be like a pair of new eyes.
“You know how they say that you should always follow your heart? It doesn’t mean anything to you if you never heard your heart’s voice.”
“My heart only cries out to me. I decided it’s better not to listen.”
“You must have made some bad decisions to end up in a place like this.”
“Places don’t care about decisions. They are simply filled. Just like space.”
He gets up from his stool and staggers toward the exit. The other people sitting at the tables to the right and left of the narrow aisle don’t pay attention to him. Everyone is engrossed in their own sorrow. As he steps through the door onto the rain-soaked street, I can briefly see the flickering sign on the outside wall of the bar. “The whale’s belly. A place for the lost.”
