A Picture of My Dog
I’ve had the unfortunate luxury of having my days off from work coincide with the first 3 days of Trump’s America. As an introvert and a writer who tends to obsess this has been one special kind of hell. I’ve run the gamut from full blown irrational rage to pond bottom despair. I’ve tried to calm myself. I’ve gone on long soul searching runs in the cemetery. I’ve chanted OMMMM and BREATHE out loud so many times that my dog thinks its a new command. Similar to run or treats or sit.
I’ve posted rants on Facebook even though I know they make me look like a foolish unbalanced idiot, which my dear friend Heather gently pointed out. Perhaps this obsession isn’t healthy. Yet still. Today I woke with a belly full of dread. Like I did on Wednesday. Thursday. How long will I allow this to go on? I can’t reconcile this American life. And mostly I can’t figure out how to find balance. And that’s frustrating. I want to get back to creating my whimsical books and running in the forest. But I, like most other liberals have just had a wake up call the likes of which we’ve never experienced. It has been a full frontal face smash into a cement wall. And it hurts right down to the teeth and cheekbones. And for many of our conservative peers, friends and family this may be what makes us seem like a one sided babbling train wreck. We’re walking around spitting blood and bits of bone.
I remember when Reagan and the two Bushes were elected. I was bummed but I wasn’t afraid. I disagreed with my peers who voted for them but I wasn’t shocked. We had logical conversations over beer and tacos. We parted as friends. I didn’t feel this rage. This hatred. And I don’t want to hate. I’ve built a life on love and acceptance. I watched my father burn himself up with hatred towards everyone and the irony of me granting myself permission to do the same. Well. That sucks and it’s stupid. Yesterday I had a moment of clarity when I realized I was focusing on nothing but the bigotry, misogyny and racism during these first three days. I see kids in blackface in front of a confederate flag and posts of anti gay notes on apartment doors. I see colored and white signs taped above water fountains in schools. I see these things and I fall into the abyss. Part of me cries out “No! No! don’t go back in time” but what’s killing me the most is that we’ve been here all along.
Clickity clack tippity tap I pound out another FB rant. As if it matters. Then my niece messages me that lately I’ve been sounding a little nuts. Whamo! Another wake up call. A slap in the face. A bucket of cold water. Smelling salts.
But I’m nothing if not a thinker. I’m a mulling dissecting analyzer of a creature. Sometimes this is a good thing (although not so much with lovers haha) and so today I am putting together the pieces of my puzzle. I realize that the root of my problem is alternately refusing to bury my head in the sand while still wanting to be accepting and loving. But how does one do that? Analyze…analyze. Pace. Smoke? No…don’t smoke. Doodle Christmas trees. Color pictures of fish. Eat sea salt chips. Sip my Woodford’s Reserve. Order a pizza. Think…think…think. I’m beginning to see a way out of my wet paper bag. It’s so simple really.
True change can only begin with me and a compassionate love for my fellow humans is required. This thought solidifies when a childhood school mate, Mike Fleck, posts an awesome commentary on our country with a throwback picture of his large goofy dog and his 90’s hair. It was the perfect balance of getting back to life whilst still recognizing the see-saw is slightly off balance. It inspired me. Thank you Mike!
And so here is a picture of my dog from a crispy fall morning. And here is my solution: Love. There is a woman in Pennsylvania. I’ve loved and known her since 2000. She voted for Trump. I’m going to ask her to begin a conversation with me about our common ground and solutions we can both find in areas we agree on. I know we agree on LBGTQ rights and the environment and that we will agree to work on at the local level together. And while I haven’t asked her yet I KNOW that she will work to be sure the party she elected will not discriminate and bully. I also want her to help me to understand better how we got here so this great divide can be healed and never happen again.
And I’m asking the same of you. And it’s a big ask when the pain is so great. Please reach out to someone you know and care for and begin a conversation. It can be private or better yet it can be public because I for one have been making this too complicated. It’s too big. It’s too much. It’s like trying to write a novel in one day. Our stories all begin with a word and one common thing is clear. We all want change. And it won’t begin at the top. It will begin with you and I sitting at the table.
