How Growing A Mustache Turned Me Into A Dictator

“It was almost as though it happened overnight.”

Growing up, I never expected to rule over an entire nation — not to mention so unjustly. But, that’s exactly what happened when I grew a mustache.

It all started this past Movember. It began as any other; creating my official team page, purchasing replacement blades for my razor, adjusting my daily commute to avoid any Toys-R-Us stores.

Then something amazing happened, I became a dictator.

I was speechless. It was almost as though it happened overnight. I had been tossed right into a full-blown regime, led by yours truly.

Not having any prior experience to ruling a nation unfairly, I immediately started researching. I asked myself, “How did other dictators with mustaches such as Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin and Saddam Hussain rule entire nations with such vigor and truculence?”. The answers I sought were out there, I just needed find them.

After hours of opening books and skimming Wikipedia articles, I decided the only way I would learn is by doing. So I strapped up my boots, put on my lucky yellow LiveStrong wristband and stormed into a room filled with my top military executives.

“Our people believe this regime to be weak! That changes right now.”, I exclaimed with aggressive passion. I could sense the room tensing with every passing threat. My eyes swelled with pure happiness.

Many years have passed since the birth of my dictatorship. Millions have lost their lives by my hands, our people are starving and few have seen the latest season of House of Cards.

Things are bleak to say the least.

I find myself wondering what my life would have been if I had not grown my mustache. Would I have continued on the path to becoming a shift manager at Red Robin? Would I have met my true love after a messy divorce, like many of my other peers?

With so much scruple, there is only one thing I find certain — growing a mustache changes a man, most often into a dictator.

If you consider yourself a trendsetter, follow us on Twitter. We post about once a month, maybe.