On being on the right track
And knowing it
It is Day Seven and the days are going much more quickly now. I have been sober for ten days. My tonsils are inflamed for the second time in a month. One day — when I have proper insurance — I will get them removed.
I hear it’s a great way to lose twenty pounds.
I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. These days this is how I feel:
I was thinking about the overlap of communities and the longing to belong. I was thinking about how I felt I’d finally entered a community I could call my own, and how I’d promised I’d preserve it, and how I broke that promise. I don’t remember the things I said that night except that I know I violated a boundary, and that whatever I said must have been pretty terrible. I’m probably dwelling too much on this because it was so brief — does it even count? A lot of my anxiety surrounds the overlap of communities and the various individuals I know, and a feeling of exile although do I even have any right to lay claim to them? I think I was always going to be an outsider.
Some things feel sort of unfair, but I don’t even know what “fair” means, or if this is the addiction talking.
Then I started thinking about how before I’d been really careful to keep my life compartmentalized because maybe I didn’t really care about the people I was dating or maybe I was unconsciously aware of my patterns — or actually — I was aware of my patterns, I just didn’t think there were my fault. But is it all only my fault? Or is that hubris? To think I can control so much? Regardless, this was the first time I felt invited in, and the first time I really accepted that invitation. It felt good. I wish I’d been more ready to receive it. I learned a lot. I learned that in order to be a whole person, I need to come to peace with all the parts of myself, and integrate them all into one. Then everything can be more real, and I can be more receptive to loving and being loved. When the gaping void is filled, I can be patient with love and friendship and romance.
Before I could think anymore, I got brunch with my former boss, who is also the woman who took a huge chance on me back when I was new to San Francisco. I didn’t have the experience, but I’d had the instinct to bring her a paper resume in a digital age, and the tact to followup with an email. I took my job and I owned it and I made it completely mine, because that is simply what I do.
We caught up on everything. I had a mimosa and a lot of coffee. We decided that life is strange. She gave me this necklace, which is a wolf’s tooth and braided horse hair. Don’t worry, no animals were harmed in its production. I love it a lot because when I was a kid I really loved wolves, and it’s one of those things I’ve carried with me into adulthood. I think I will wear it everyday.
She also reminded me who I am. I’ve been really lost these days, and I feel like I can’t quite remember who I am. But very slowly I am remembering. It is like meeting with an old friend you once had a fight with but time has smoothed it all over. At first it is a little wary — two growling dogs circling each other — and then it is playful. I can’t wait to feel the pleasure of play again.
I will feel it soon.
I have not felt happy in a very long time, but I have felt the continuous currents of love all around me, and I am not ungrateful.
After wandering around downtown for a little bit, I came home to pair programming with a friend. I let her do most of the driving, but I was the one who came up with a key part of the solution, and she assured me that the problem is actually a really hard one, and that I am on the right track — which made her the second person to tell me that today.
Not that I should need the reassurance. After editing some photos and getting some social media together for a client, I read a little from the CoDA pamphlet. In particular, I read about what makes someone a codependent. I often need a lot of reassurance. Often, when it comes to programming and finding solutions, my instincts are actually correct, but I second guess them. Next time I need reassurance or approval, I wil try to remember today’s pair programming session.
I think somewhere deep down inside I know I am on the right track.
I am on the right track.