My Rock

Where have I been you say? Well let me tell you.

Grief, change, depression or stress can do funny things to people. It can change the core of who you are in those moments. Over the last two months I have personally been going through changes that I didn’t realize would shake me to the core that it has. We have listed our house for sale, gotten offers, turned down offers and had to keep our house clean with three kids. I think that right there is enough to drive anyone crazy. I have had to manage change at work. The people I work with are not just coworkers, they are my family. Dealing with leaving ‘my people’ while still trying to maintain a positive out look for my team has been hard over the last year. I have traveled to Colombia twice leaving my husband behind to deal with the house and our kids. If that wasn’t enough we have 3 kids and a teenager who has started to give us a run for our money.

I haven’t felt depression like this before and it scares the shit out of me. There are days when I drive home from work, after putting on a happy face all day, and crumble. I cry the entire 30 minute ride home from work. I can feel myself going through the motions of my everyday life without a smile. I have caught myself staring off in the distance and it’s like that feeling of literally watching your whole world walk by you. There is no better way to explain it except tunnel vision and the feeling of someone sitting on your chest. I haven’t been able to even maintain my relationships or friendships lately because I just can’t keep myself together long enough for it to not feel like WORK.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am very aware that I have an amazing life. I love my life. I think that all of these things happening all at one time have really just hit me after holding it all together for so long leading up to it.

But the reason why I think this is so important to share is for others to not only know that if they are going through something similar that you are not alone. But also, because through all this my husband has been my rock and held it all together. He has been the shoulder I can cry on and the ear for listening. He has been all of this for me while he is trying to handle it himself. I remember looking at him one day and completely falling apart and melting into his chest. I looked up at him and told him, “I don’t know how long I am going to be going through this. I don’t know when it’s going to feel better and I just need you to be there.” He never made me feel like I needed to grieve the same way he did. He never told me that my feelings were invalid. He was just there. He has been there. He has tried to find ways to make me smile every day. He has held me and all of us together.

I am lucky that I have a husband who isn’t trying to fix me because that isn’t what I need. I just need him to be there exactly as he is. Today is his birthday and I couldn’t think of a better way to show how grateful I am for his love. We have still maintained our relationship through all of this and made us a priority. We are still there for each other the way we always have been. It’s not over, it’s really only just begun but I, we, will get through this.

I couldn’t do it without you babe. Thank you for taking me on. Thank you for holding us all together every day, for lifting me up when I can’t get up alone and for just for being in these moments with me. Not changing. Being you. Loving me for my ugly side. I love you today and every day after more than I ever have.

Originally published at Two Plus 3.