How to Win Friends & Influence People
By: Dale Carnegie
A timeless classic.
PART 1: Handling People
Criticism
- Avoid criticising people, it only harms ego and does nothing but make the other person try to justify themselves (there’s a better and more effective way to criticise, read on)
Appreciation
- Be lavish in your praise and give honest and sincere appreciation.
Wants
- Arouse in the other person an eager want… If you want someone to do something, consider what THEY want. For example, the only way I can ever get one of my friends to join me at the gym is by telling him that’s the only way he’s gonna get ‘dench’, and thus look better, and therefore look better in his Instragram photos. Keep in mind the 3:1, Give: Take ratio. For every time you want to Take, give 3 things for free.
PART TWO: 6 Ways to Be Better Liked
Smile
- :)
Name
- “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” Bill Clinton was/is great at this.
Listen
- Be a good listener.
Important
- Make others feel important. Make eye contact, follow up with questions, and just make them feel special. Freud discussed how man seeks to feel ‘great’.
Genuine Interest
- Show genuine interest in other people, you may learn something important, or maybe you’ll learn what NOT to do or how NOT to handle an ex-girlfriend. But the keyword is GENUINE. My mentor often loosely quotes Abraham Lincoln, “I learn from everybody, even if it’s what not to do.”
Other
- Discuss the ‘other’ person’s interests. This becomes easy if you are an eclectic learner and know about a lot of things.
PART 3: Win People To Your Way of Thinking
- Avoid unnecessary arguments. Even if you are 100% correct no likes getting their ego damaged.
- Respect other’s opinions. Never say ‘you’re wrong.’
- IF YOU ARE WRONG. Admit your faults faster and better than they can. — Would you rather say “Ah I know I’ve been really clingy lately, and I’m sorry about that.” Or have your girl/boyfriend say, “You’ve been too clingy lately
4. Begin conversation in a Friendly Way. “Be lavish in your praise and give honest appreciation.”
5. The Socratic Method. Get other people saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately. To persuade opposing people, Socrates would get people constantly saying ‘yes’ to what he saying until they eventually agreed to his whole argument.
6. Let the other person do most of the talking. Soak in what they’re saying like a sponge so you can know what they are already thinking.
7. POV (empathy). Honestly try seeing things from the other person’s point of view.
9. Understanding. Show better understanding of other’s ideas and feelings. ‘If I were you’…
10. Throw down a Challenge. If you’re ever a leader of something, create incentives to get people to perform better.
PART 4: Influencing People Without Harming Their Ego
- If you criticise, begin with lavish praise/appreciation
- Address mistakes Indirectly. Carnegie gives an example of a mother trying to change to her child’s attitude toward studying algebra. “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. And if you continue your efforts, your algebra grade can be up there with all the others.” If the mother continued the sentence and said “But if you worked harder on algebra, your grades would’ve been better,” odds are Johnnie’s ego would’ve been hurt. But by giving praise and addressing mistakes indirectly, Johnnie can feel fulfilled and go on to do better in Algebra.
- Talk about your mistakes first.
- Ask questions, don’t give orders. Carnegie gives the example of a CEO trying to get his team to fix a sales problem. The CEO asked, “Is there any way we can boost these sales?” This got the team thinking. If the CEO instead said, “Boost the fu***** sales, the ego of his team would’ve been hurt.
- If you have given good criticism. “Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.”
- ‘Give a dog a good name.’ Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. For example, if an an employee , is underperforming, give them a Title, or ask them to remember their Good Times.
- Make others happy to do what you suggest: Use ‘fine reputations’, incentives or perhaps provide alternative measures.
~ Tyler
