The Pains and Perils of Parallel Parkers

Parallel parking is an art. Some are good at it. Some are bad. Some are really bad. And as with any type of art, there are many different kinds of styles. You thought modern art was fun to judge? Wait until you get to eat a sandwich while watching some poor soul trying to park. This gets good.

The Stubborn Mule 🐴

No level of shame or public ridicule will deter this person from fitting their 6 foot car into a 6 foot 2 inch space. Not only will the massive line of cars behind them not bother them, they simply won’t give up. Ever. Not until they fit their car so snuggly that expanding metal from a hot summer day might actually become an issue. And it doesn’t matter if it’ll take a 32 point turn to leave the spot. They’re pride is preserved and that’s all that matters.

Here we see the Stubborn Mule, slowly but surely leaving their natural habitat.

The Self Conscious Rabbit🐇

Quite the opposite of the Stubborn Mule, these people are an odd blend of curiosity, shyness, and courage. Even with 8 cars worth of space to park in and no human life form within 50 miles, as soon as they nudge the curb they’re driving away going Mach 5 so no one notices their “mistake”. They will not try twice, they will not stay in the area, and god forbid someone was behind them they will not stay in the same state. They give up faster than we do on our New Years resolution goals and all we can think when we see them is “Awwww, A+ for effort buddy. You’ll get it next time.” We don’t really think they’ll get it next time though. Thinking this just makes us feel better about ourselves for laughing at them in the first place.

The Battering Ram 💣

Ahh, one of my favorites. You know those times when you hear a loud BANG! and turn around and see a person calmly walk out of their deteriorating car pretending like nothing happened? You had witnessed a battering ram. They are ruthless, they do not have any spacial awareness, and you do not want to be near them. Period. Unfortunately (maybe fortunately) the rise of rear-facing cameras on cars has all but led to extinction for this group. Nowadays we get excited (the weird kind of excitement in us that seeks total chaos and destruction) when we see a car barreling backwards at a dangerously fast rate, only to be disappointed when they stop on a dime thanks to the camera. Damn you technology for ruining my cheap entertainment.

The “My car is a Wine Glass / Snowflake / Egg Shell ” 🍷❄️🍳

If the Battering Ram had an exact opposite, these people would be it. If they’re within a foot of another vehicle they start having premonitions of their car exploding on impact and so they slam the breaks faster than the Self-Conscious Rabbit can slam the gas. These are by far some of the most frustrating types of parallel parkers to watch.

You almost want to go help them just so you can show them that they did indeed have 4 feet of extra space behind them, not 4 inches. Bring a long patience, it will be tested.

The Dreamers 💭

Here for the first time we get into an example of Parallel Parker evolution. Get excited Darwin, your theory of evolution is prevalent everywhere. Often times before a Self-Conscious Rabbit becomes such, they are a Dreamer. The person that drives by open spots on the side and slows down just long enough to observe and study, but not long enough to be mistaken as a serious attempt. For years these people drive by these spots, wondering, questioning, and dreaming of the day they’ll give it a shot. The task however, is too daunting, and the benefits to be reaped are not sufficient enough, so they move on.

The only possible alternative for a Dreamer is to take the easy route

The Hot Shot 🔥

“Whoa bro, like what do you mean?” See for these people, just nailing the park job isn’t enough. Knowing that the people around them probably saw it, isn’t enough. Telling everyone in the car before-hand that they suck at parallel parking but “somehow” doing great this time and receiving kudos…still isn’t enough. They need to walk out of their car, strut over to the curb, see their work of art in person, and let a smirk slide across their face that they’ll wear the rest of the day. I’ve been this hot shot before. Don’t be this hot shot.

This list will grow with every sandwich that I eat on the side of the street so stay tuned for updates. If you enjoyed this article feel free to click those weird green alien hand things a few times. And to read something deeper than the comical personification of parallel parking, checkout the rest of my blog here!

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