Boundary Setting in Relationships

In Episode 4 of the Narrative Project, UCI staff and students discuss how to set boundaries and cultivate healthy relationships. This episode follows closely with the previous discussion in Episode 3.

To kick off the conversation, UCI members ask:

How do we talk about consent and set good boundaries in relationships?

There are a variety of ways in which we can talk about consent and boundary setting in relationships. That being said, different methods will work for different people, and any combination of ways might prove to be effective.

We can talk about these topics, as discussed in the podcast, by embracing an open line of communication with your partner(s). It is so crucial to talk things through with your partner(s), especially concerning consent and boundaries. Each partner should feel safe enough to voice their thoughts, opinions, and concerns with one another in situations regarding privacy and physical touch. An open line of communication allows both you and your significant other(s) to talk freely about these topics without being judged or minimized. Open communication cultivates respect and feeds on active listening skills; having respect and active listening skills can lead your partner(s) to hear you out and respect the boundaries you have put forth.

Tips to strengthen your communication:

1. Listen to understand, not to respond (for pointers on how to do this, please watch this video: “5 ways to listen better” | Julian Treasure | TEDGlobal
2. Approach the situation as if you were the one with the concern
3. Have an open mind
4. Show you are listening (attentive body language)
5. Clarify any misunderstandings

Another way we can talk about these topics is by checking in with one another. Oftentimes partners forget to check in with each other, especially during busy times. It can be very easy to forget that opinions, thoughts, emotions, and boundaries shift over time, regardless of how long you have been together. It is important to make space every once in a while to have recurring conversations about likes, dislikes, and boundaries.

For some, nothing may change, even over a long period of time. For others, these things can change rather quickly as they become more comfortable and settled within the relationship.

Tips on how to create space for check-ins:

1. Pick a time to sit down and discuss the topics (make it a deep talk date night, over wine and chocolate; take a walk and talk about it while you hold hands or observe the scenery)
2. Make smaller check-ins a habit (hey, do you still like it when I touch you there? How was your yoga class? Is your back still bothering you?)
3. Work on understanding and accepting those boundaries can shift overtime (maybe you didn’t like a specific role-play at the beginning of the relationship, but now that you are more comfortable with your partner, you wouldn’t mind trying it now; maybe you did not like sharing your bathroom space while showering at the start, but you love sharing the space now that you know your partner has a wonderful singing-in-the-shower voice)

Another important way to talk about consent and boundaries that UCI students and staff discuss is not being afraid to respect your boundaries- don’t be afraid to say “no.”

Although it can be hard to say no for some people, especially if they have been with their partner(s) for a while, it is important to remember that you still have the power to say no. It is also important to note here that your partner has the responsibility to respect your boundaries, and you have the responsibility to respect your partner’s boundaries as well.

Part of creating boundaries is respecting them yourself. If you set a boundary and subsequently cross it yourself, you disrespect your own boundary and set the example that it is not as serious as it seems. Don’t be afraid to hold yourself responsible, hold your ground, and hold your partner accountable in respecting your boundary as well. Teamwork is the dream work!

Tips on how to respect boundaries (the Four R’s):

1. Respect your needs and wants
2. Recognize it is perfectly okay and normal to have boundaries
3. Reflect on why you are setting that boundary in the first place
4. Remind yourself that boundaries can change, but only when you are ready to change them

Recommended resources on how to set your own boundaries and how to respect your partner’s boundaries:

https://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/how-to-set-boundaries/

https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/respecting-your-partners-boundaries/

To expand on the conversations around consent and boundaries discussed in the podcast, I would like to highlight a few qualities of healthy relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list, so feel free to mentally add qualities to the list.

1. Trust
2. Open communication
3. Loyalty
4. Respect
5. Open-mindedness
6. Support
7. Active listening skills
8. Conflict resolution skills
9. Understanding
10. Kindness

If you want to better understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy love, watch this video: “The difference between healthy and unhealthy love” | Katie Hood | TED2019

In summary, there are several ways to talk about consent and good boundaries in relationships. Episode 4 of the Narrative Project highlights some of these conversations and provides a great starting point in thinking about and engaging in these topics.

In ruminating over these topics, I now turn the question over to you: How do we talk about consent and boundaries in relationships?