Cultivating Self-Love After Power Based Personal Violence
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, CARE would like to talk about one of the most important kinds of love we can experience: self-love. What does it mean to have self-love? Self-love can be defined as a state of appreciation for oneself that emerges from acts that support one’s physical, emotional, mental and spiritual growth (Khoshaba, 2012). Self-love is learning to love oneself wholly, regardless of flaws, and imperfections and implementing practices that reflect this. It can be hard to consistently practice self-love in our day-to-day lives, but it can become exceptionally challenging after an experience of power based personal violence (PBPV- any act where power is used to exert control or intimidate, including sexual assault, domestic/partner violence, family violence, and stalking).
Survivors of PBPV often express feelings of shame, guilt, disbelief, anger, sadness, feeling disconnected from their body, and feeling isolated from their support systems. All of which can contribute to a lowered sense of self-esteem and a diminished ability to cultivate self-love. Another common reaction after an experience of PBPV relates to how traumatizing it can be to live through this type of experience. It is not uncommon for survivors to struggle to regain a sense of who they were before the traumatic event. Trauma can have such a profound impact on a person, that indeed they might never be the same person they once were. That does not mean all hope of “normalcy” is lost, rather it means that it will take some work and time to grow to appreciate the person that is emerging after an experience of PBPV. This process can be referred to as post-traumatic growth (coined by Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun) and is defined as a positive psychological change after a highly challenging life experience (Kaufman, 2020). Practicing self-love can help to not only minimize the effects of PBPV but also help one’s progress towards post traumatic growth.
So how does one cultivate self-love after an experience of PBPV? Well first and foremost, being gentle and patient with oneself is key. Remember that healing is not linear, so some days will be much harder than others and that is common. Implementing regular self-care practices can also be helpful in cultivating self-love. Practices such as striving to eat healthy, getting regular exercise, and improving sleep hygiene are all examples of self-care practices. Others include connecting with and relying on our support system, allowing and creating space for all of one’s emotions and thoughts related to PBPV to surface, and seeking professional help if or when needed.
CARE has devised a set of journal prompts that might be a helpful place to start a practice of cultivating self-love post PBPV. Beginning January 10th, 2022 CARE will post journal prompts each Monday at noon for six weeks to our social media accounts Instagram, Facebook & Twitter (@UCICARE) aimed at supporting survivors with incorporating more self-love into their lives. Giving our accounts a follow and turning on notifications might be the easiest way to be reminded of these prompts. The prompts will live on UCI CARE’s social media pages, so one can always go back to reference them, or choose to participate at a time that is best for them. Happy Journaling.
References
Kaufman, Scott Barry. (2020, April). Post-Traumatic Growth: Finding Meaning and Creativity in Adversity. Scientific American.
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/post-traumatic-growth-finding-meaning-and-creativity-in-adversity/
Khoshaba, Deborah, Psy.D. (2012, March 27). A seven-step prescription for self-love: self-love is an action, not a state of feeling good. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/get-hardy/201203/seven-step-prescription-self-love
