Domestic Violence Without Physical Abuse
Authors: Dong-Anh Ngo, Antonia Gonzalez
In episode 16 of the Narrative Project, members of the UCI community discuss their personal experiences and perspectives on domestic violence without physical abuse.
The first question opens up with the discussion on what the group classifies as domestic violence, and abuse. There’s a general consensus that domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior towards a partner in the relationship. Additionally, the group emphasizes how abuse is not only physical, as it can often manifest in emotional, verbal, and psychological ways. The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) similarly defines domestic violence as “a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior that can include physical abuse, emotional or psychological abuse, sexual abuse or financial abuse (using money and financial tools to exert control).”
This leads into the conversation of why the group think survivors are afraid to come forward and talk about their experience. An individual spoke about how survivors fear of not being believed, on top of the abuse that they’ve experienced. Additionally, there was discourse about how domestic violence and abuse look different to everyone. This can lead to someone invalidating a survivor’s experience because they don’t perceive the experience as abuse.
Everyone emphasizes how this can lead to victim blaming, where survivors are blamed for the abuse. For example, an individual brought up comments implying that something the survivor wore or did may have been the reason for the abuse. This drives the conversation about consent. An individual stated that “Clothing does not define consent,” and it shouldn’t be implied as so. The legal system is influenced by this, as the process is often not a supportive experience for survivors, and it can affect a survivor to relive their trauma. For more statistics and information on why survivors might not report, check out this article.
Switching gears, the group tackles some cultural and social norms that might prevent survivors from coming forward. Some shared thoughts are how some cultures have sex as a taboo topic to talk about, and the idea of domestic violence without physical abuse is an idea that older generations might not be able to grasp and understand. An individual explained how older generations might have perspectives that lean towards victim blaming and gas lighting the survivor. For example, an individual explained the Machismo culture, and how they’ve seen this normalizing abusive relationships, which can invalidate survivor’s experiences. For more insight on how cultural perspectives impact the way we view domestic violence, check this article out.
Following the discussion of cultural norms, the group explores gender norms with the question about whether there’s a double standard between identified-men or identified-women domestic violence survivors. They discussed that identified-men would feel more pressured and feared of being gaslighted and dismissed when it comes to abuse. Everyone agreed how there’s a different power dynamic in an abusive relationship, yet people might dismiss or gaslight men with statements asking why they didn’t leave or de-escalate the situation physically. An individual noted a viral social experiment video that displayed how gender norms affected the way people stepped in when seeing a man being abused in public. Related to this, the group converse about toxic masculinity being a factor to why male survivors face this stigma of having to be the person who’s in power, physically stronger, etc., as they are associated with a list of “masculine traits” that is toxic and diminishes their voices.
The group shifts the conversation to why survivors from domestic violence from the LGBTQ+ community might have a different experience than that of the hetero/straight community. An individual shared an experience of how it’s a lot harder for folks in this community to come out because they could be impacted by other cultural factors, and they are wary of the legal system having a predisposition against them. Survivors of domestic violence from the LGBTQ+ community would also face homophobia and possibly have to come out to folks who they haven’t come out to. This was tied in with intersectionality, and the discussion of how various social identities affect folks differently.
The group then shared their personal experiences with how their interaction with different people affected their idea of what’s healthy and unhealthy in a relationship. Folks had a shared experience of being young and involved with unhealthy relationships and not knowing how things such as controlling what they wear, comparing you them other people, etc. were toxic and unhealthy behaviors. As they got older, they interacted with other individuals and learned what a healthy relationship looks like. Working in a crisis center helped another individual learn more about healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. There was a consensus that young folks are impressionable, and education is crucial to educate what a healthy relationship is. For more information on how crucial schools play a role in violence prevention and dating abuse, check out this article.
In the next section, the group tackles how the media the perception of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships, and how it normalizes unhealthy traits in relationships. They agreed that social media normalizes toxic behaviors, with an individual stating how they see people on their social media feed saying stuff like: “When he doesn’t let you wear what you want… that’s so protective.” Additionally, the group talks about how the media romanticizes toxic and unhealthy relationships, such as fanfiction, books, and movies. The group agrees that young teenagers are more impressionable and likely to fall for the tropes of toxic and controlling characters/relationships, as they all had this shared experience of doing so when they were young.
The conversation shifts to defining gaslighting, and how it plays out in relationships. Additionally, the group tackles the question of how non-physical abuse shows up in a relationship. An individual gave an example of gaslighting with what they’ve seen on a reality show, and how the toxic partner would always say, “if you loved me, you would do so and so… I’ve only done this to you once, and you’ve done this to me twice,” illustrating a lot of blaming and hypocrisy. Another individual defined gaslighting as an “intense psychological manipulation… put seeds of doubt,” making the person question their own memory and perception. The group also touched on gender norms influencing this behavior, as it’s used as a way to dismiss someone’s concern as “an over exaggeration.” Toxic amnesia was discussed as a controlling tactic from the abuser to gaslight the survivor. Continuing this conversation, the group discusses how an abuser normalizes toxic behaviors by guilt tripping the survivor to believe that it’s their fault. For more information about gaslighting, and why it is so destructive, check out this article.
The group then shares their opinions on some red flags to look for before entering into a relationship. An individual noted that a red flag is someone who brings up the past often and shifts a lot of blame on past partners. People who broadcast and boast their flaws and are not willing to change behaviors they know are bad, like jealousy, was another red flag mentioned.
The conversation takes a shift to COVID-19, with how it impacted survivors of domestic violence and abusive relationships. There was a shared sentiment that the pandemic is making it a lot harder for survivors, since some are forced to live with their abusers. Additionally, for some folks who don’t have anyone else, this living situation could be a way for an abuser to control and isolate them. For more information of how COVID-19 has affected domestic violence, please look into this article.
“Believe survivors no matter what… be there for them and listen to them”
The group concludes by answering how can we come together as a community to be aware of domestic violence without physical abuse and support folks who going through it. An individual stated that we need to believe the survivor and listen to them, in doing so we can validate and support their experiences. Additionally, spreading awareness through education and engagement are critical ways to educate others on domestic violence without physical abuse, and how to look out for those signs. For more ways to learn how we can support survivors, check out this article.
