Experiences with Harm and Support in the LGBTQ Community

By: Kaeleigh Hayakawa

CONTENT WARNING: Mention of experiencing and/or witnessing sexual violence, homophobia, transphobia, and racism.

Episode 14 of the Narrative Project Podcast explores the ways in which LGBTQ community members are impacted by power-based personal violence, discrimination, hypersexualization, and other forms of harm. Guest perspectives varied between undergraduate students, alumni, and faculty, who each shared their experiences and perspectives regarding power-based personal violence, barriers to seeking support, and dynamics within LGBTQ spaces.

“It’s almost expected that there’s that same relationship dynamic… even though it’s not a heterosexual relationship. It’s very interesting to see how that’s perpetuated still.”

The conversation began with discussion around roles and power dynamics within queer and heterosexual relationships and assumptions that are often made regarding queer relationships. Guests mentioned that there is an assumption that queer relationships will replicate traditional heterosexual relationships, with one partner filling a more powerful “masculine” role and the other a more submissive “feminine” role. These assumptions, beyond reinforcing harmful beliefs around gender roles, can also reinforce harmful beliefs around who is or is not capable of perpetrating violence and harm. This was illustrated in one guest’s direct experience of having their assault be discounted due to their perpetrator’s physical appearance and gender identity.

Despite outdated assumptions of power dynamics within queer relationships, and relationships in general, there are many ways in which power can and does manifest in relationships within the LGBTQ community. Guests mentioned things such as differences in age and sexual or relationship experience as creating differences in power and influence within a relationship. Additionally, differences in identity formation, how long someone has been out, and whether someone has been in a queer relationship before or not are all factors which can lend power and influence to one partner over another.

Additionally, as can happen within other communities, harmful assumptions about identity or reinforcement of racism, transphobia, or other “-isms,” impact survivors and queer folx of all identities. One guest shared that after having been assaulted by a woman, her identity as a lesbian came into question with some around her pressing whether she was really a lesbian if she didn’t like it. Other guests shared frustration with the “preferences” for sexual or romantic partners that are displayed by some queer folx on dating apps that specify certain racial or ethnic groups or even certain gender identities or genetalia. Whether intentional or not, the display of these “preferences” is often rooted in oppressive ideologies such as racism, biphobia, and transphobia which can foster unsafe spaces for Black, trans, or nonbinary queer folx.

“If you feel like you’re not being seen as a real person, just in your day-to-day experience, then in a moment of crisis, how can you trust that the police will protect you?”

The guests also discussed many of the very real barriers queer folx face to accessing support after they have experienced harm or violence. A significant barrier noted by guests was those meant to provide support leaning into harmful beliefs, homophobia, and transphobia. One guest noted that from their own and others’ experiences, law enforcement was difficult to trust. From displaying discomfort with same-gendered partners, to downplaying harm, to arresting the individual who called for help based on appearances, seeking the support of law enforcement doesn’t always feel like an option. This is ignoring how race, ability, and other factors combine with queer identities and play into the biases that law enforcement or other similar agencies express, in some cases extremely violently. Other guests noted that in areas where non-heterosexual relationships or sexual interactions are not covered by domestic violence or sexual violence laws, there is very little law enforcement or other legal resources can do anyway.

Other sources of support such as domestic violence shelters, support groups, and even LGBTQ centers present a variety of challenges to accessing needed resources. As one guest noted, many resources for survivors of violence are aimed specifically at women who were harmed by men. Many domestic violence shelters are still referred to or have a name reflective of being a “women’s shelter” and support groups often focus on healing for women who were harmed by men. This guest also shared that they faced many obstacles to finding an LGBTQ-affirming resource that also provided resources for power-based personal violence and ultimately found themselves needing to drive to another county to receive the support they needed.

“…the importance of finding those safe spaces and finding those structures of support to help individuals figure out who they are outside of relationships with other people.”

The episode ended with guests discussing what advice they might have for other folks in the LGBTQ community as they navigate identity formation and relationships. Common themes included loving yourself, building self-confidence, and taking time to find people who support you for you. One guest highlighted that for queer folx just beginning to explore their identity, taking relationships slow and considering whether the relationship is primarily providing identity validation or is a meaningful and fulfilling relationship outside of identity can be helpful. Other guests echoed similar sentiments highlighting the importance of finding a sense of self and identity outside of relationships. What has helped you in your journey? What has helped you navigate relationships, both healthy and unhealthy?

If you are located in the Orange County area and have experienced power-based personal violence, know that there are many resources available to support you including some of the below.

• The LGBTQ Center OC provides counseling, referrals, and other direct support services to queer folx of all identities.
• The LGBTQ Center of Long Beach provides counseling, referrals, and other direct support services to queer folx of all identities.Features its own intimate partner violence program.
• Waymakers OC provides support to survivors of sexual assault, human trafficking, and relationship violence.
• Human Options provides support, including emergency shelter, to survivors of relationship violence.