On(the)line: Dating and Consent

By: Jasmine Chvilicek

In episode 10 of the Narrative Project, members of the UCI community discuss the fun, the danger, and the challenges of online dating and consent in the COVID-19 era.

To begin the conversation, UCI members wanted to know what dating apps the Narrative Project guests are using most frequently today. The results are not all that surprising:

Most of the guests use Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge in their online dating adventures. Although there are more dating apps out there, these seem to be the talk of the town.

Venturing deeper into their online dating inquiries, UCI members ask what the pros of online dating are. Here is what they came up with:

Many people agree that one of the positives of online dating is that you can choose who you talk to, when you talk to them, and when you ignore or ghost them. Likewise, you can decide when you’ve had enough of the online dating world, and turn it off with the click of the uninstall button. Another pro is that it is a convenient and passive way to meet a lot of new people. Moreover, online dating provides a certain amount of confidence that goes along with being behind a screen that otherwise wouldn’t be present in face to face dating.

Next, UCI members question how the COVID-19 era has affected online dating. Here is what they know:

The Change and Virtual Dates

Many people have found that individuals on online dating apps are much more eager to meet new people and begin romantic relations now than ever before. Although people are eager to meet others, many are still being cautious about meeting in person due to COVID-19. Another perspective that was brought up in the conversation was that there was an increase in people on online dating apps due to boredom- people are just bored, so why not?

Others in the conversation commented on virtual dates. They claimed COVID-19 has forced people to be more creative in the way they structure and hold dates in the virtual world. Other people said that it has made people in the online dating world more wholesome; they are now looking for real and romantic connections, not just a hookup or friends with benefits situation. Likewise, some people said that although there is much more time to have virtual dates and hangouts, people are respecting boundaries and giving each other space. They are trying to make sure they are not contributing to Zoom fatigue and being respectful of time and space in the COVID-19 era.

The Challenges, Consent, and Boundary Setting

Continuing the conversation, some members began calling out the challenges of online dating. Some believe that texting gives a false sense of intimacy, especially regarding deep and meaningful conversations. While one person might be feeling vulnerable during the conversation, the other might believe nothing will come of their interactions. It is also hard to pinpoint when the intimacy levels do not match in online dating, due to the ambiguity of texting and chats. Additionally, people comment on the fact that online dating requires a lot of communication, a lot of boundary setting, and a lot of time, which can make online dating very fatiguing. It takes an immense amount of energy to keep up with the conversations and match the mood of the relationship. It then becomes difficult to maintain online relationships, especially now that it is not a viable or safe option to schedule dates in person.

Others began to look at how consent and boundary setting has shifted in the online dating world with COVID-19. Some people claim that there are now more boundaries to set, given that it is not safe to interact in person. Some boundaries include: when they want to video chat, if they are comfortable seeing each other in person, if they are comfortable with in person meetings, are there going to be masks involved, do they want to stay six feet apart, are they only going to meet outside, etc. In addition to boundary setting, what people have to consent to has also broadened. Just like boundary setting, people now have to consent to in person meetings, how close they want to be, what safety precautions they need to take, where they can meet, how long they can meet, and what types of activities they can engage in that are safest for each individual.

What to Look Out For and Precautions to Take

Just like the in person dating world, people in the online dating world present with red flags. Here are some red flags you can look out for, if they are important to you:

1. Political affiliation (for example, their values do not align with yours)
2. Engages in first moves that are sexual in nature (for example, immediately asking for or sending pictures that involve nudity)
3. Attacks or becomes upset with boundary setting
4. Belittles or degrades your experiences or interests
5. Engages in racial discrimination and exotification (for example, they have “I only date Latina females” or “If you are Asian come through” in their dating profile)
6. Engages in body shaming (for example, they have “Don’t swipe right if you aren’t at least 6’2”” in their profile)
7. Asks for personal information right away (for example, they ask for your exact address or what your full name is)
8. Asks to meet in person right away or under unusual circumstances (for example, they may ask if you can meet them in a secluded park at night)
9. Implies they are only looking for a type of relationship you are not looking for (for example, they have “only looking for a fun/good time” in their profile when you are looking for a long term relationship)

Just like the in person dating world, the online dating world also has its own dangers and rules. Some tips on how to navigate the online dating world safely are listed below:

1. Avoid giving the other person(s) your location
2. Avoid giving out your last name or any other personal or identifying information
3. Verify your date is who they say they are
4. If you decide to give out personal information, make sure you talk to the individual for a long time before giving out the information (if it helps, think of it as taking baby steps to the finish line, the finish line being giving out personal information)
5. If you choose to meet in person, pick a public place for the first few dates until you can get a good read on the person and their habits, and arrange your own transportation
6. Share your location with friends and family if you choose to meet in person
7. Make it known to the individual that you have your location on during in person dates
8. Ask a friend or family member to be present at the public place to look at for you in case the in person date goes wrong
9. Communicate when you do and do not feel comfortable

Remember, regardless if you use all, some, or none of these tips, violence is never the fault of the person being harmed.

You can find more tips and dating app verification processes here

If you want to know more about online dating in the pandemic, visit this article

If you are still interested in online dating, be sure to listen to episode 10 of the Narrative Project to gain insight on what online dating consists of, and how it has changed in the COVID-19 era. And, as always, be safe out on(the)line.