Supporting a Survivor 101

In the aftermath of power-based personal violence, significant others can be a tremendous source of support and healing for the survivor. Whether it is actively listening to the survivor or holding their hand while visiting anxiety-provoking places, significant others can be an important part of the healing journey. This article serves as a guide to those who are navigating supporting survivors of power-based personal violence.

Before I get into the supporter’s guide, I would like to define some aspects of power-based violence the survivor you are supporting may have experienced. This section is meant to educate you on the types of violence the survivor may have lived through. It may be beneficial for you to have an understanding of this type of violence, as to spare the survivor questions pertaining to their experience or to just to have general knowledge about this violence. This is not an exhaustive list; you can find other forms of power-based violence and their definitions here.

Power-based personal violence: A type of violence that is used to assert power and control over an individual with the intent to cause harm to that individual.

Sexual Assault: Sexual assault is any act that is sexual in nature that is nonconsensual and in violation of state, federal, or tribal law. This can include rape, touching, or penetration by an object.

Sexual Harassment: Any unwelcome sexual advances that can be shown verbally, written, or physically.

Domestic Violence/dating violence: Domestic/dating violence is any violent, abusive, or coercive act committed against an individual by an intimate partner, former or current spouse, former or current cohabitant, or someone with whom the individual has had a child with, with the intent of harming that individual. This violence can include emotional, physical, verbal, sexual, and economic abuse.

Stalking: Stalking is the unwanted pursuit, following, or harassment of an individual. This definition encompasses patterns of behavior that would cause fear in a reasonable person.

If you are curious about what other types of violence fall under power-based personal violence, reference this website.

When discussing power-based personal violence and the trauma it creates, it is important to remember that there is no “right” way to respond to this type of violence. It is equally important to remember that each individual’s experience(s) with power-based violence is different; this means that the experience may have been traumatic, and it may not have been traumatic. In the case that exposure to this violence is traumatic, I would like to outline a few possible responses the survivor may have. This is by no means an exhaustive list. The survivor may experience all, none, or a combination of these responses. The survivor may:

● Engage in new coping strategies that may or may not be effective (they may start to exercise, practice mindfulness, engage in self harm, engage in substance use such as drugs or alcohol, begin advocacy work, etc.)

● Withdrawal from friends and family, places, or activities they used to enjoy

● Avoid places, people, things, or activities that remind them of their experience

● Stop expressing emotions and/or be unable to recognize emotions

● Experience anxiety

● Experience flashbacks

● Experience depersonalization and/or dissociation

● Experience changes in sleep, eating patterns, or sexual activity

● Have difficulty concentrating or focusing

● Engage in isolation or desire to be with someone all of the time

● Choose not to disclose their full experience to others (including their significant other)

● Turn away from or turn toward religion or spiritual beliefs

● Be reluctant to talk about the trauma or constantly talk about the trauma

● Have thoughts of suicide

● Act as if everything is normal (they may profusely stick to their routine, not acknowledge that the trauma happened, etc.)

After reviewing some responses to power-based personal violence, I would like to acknowledge that you may have some difficulty in knowing how to help the survivor. Likewise, you may have difficulty processing your own emotions, thoughts, and feelings when supporting the survivor. Likewise, I want to recognize that these difficulties can produce a variety of hurdles for you while you are supporting your loved one. Below I have listed some of the many challenges you may face.

● Being worried and concerned about the survivor, but not knowing what to do to support them

● Feeling helpless, as if you have no control over the situation

● Not understanding how this type of violence affects you as a significant other (not understanding what secondary trauma or vicarious is- if you want to learn more about vicarious trauma and its effects, please listen to this ted talk)

● Ignoring your own feelings (this can include not checking in with yourself, minimizing your thoughts and feelings, ignoring self-care)

● Wrestling with your own trauma experiences (navigating what you have gone through versus what your significant other is going through)

● Engaging in gut reactions (doing what you believe is best for the survivor in the moment without processing it first; engaging in vengeance)

● Becoming frustrated with your significant other’s healing process (believing it is taking too long, they aren’t making enough progress)

● Not knowing how prevalent power-based violence really is

● Not realizing how your actions impact the survivor (either directly or indirectly)

It is completely okay and normal if you have experienced, or are experiencing, any of the challenges above. Many significant others experience these challenges, and you are not alone if you are as well. It’s important to keep in mind that there is no “right” way for you to feel when you are wrestling with these challenges. Knowing how to specifically help a survivor can help decrease some of these hurdles. That being said, I would like to list ways you can actively help the survivor.

● Be supportive and nonjudgmental

● Actively listen to the survivor (hear their experiences, thoughts, emotions- anything and everything, just listen)

● Understand that feelings are nonlinear

● Understand that as the survivor is healing, their triggering points and responses to certain situations may change

● Offer open support (be open to the many different ways in which the survivor might need support)

● Know your own boundaries and remember it is okay to set boundaries

● Don’t stretch yourself too thin (take care of yourself)

● Don’t make it all about you (you can’t always accept that the survivor is fine or not fine)

● Don’t expect the survivor to process things the way you process things

● Validate the survivor and their experiences and reassure them that you believe them

● Don’t belittle their experience or triggering points

● Support the survivor’s decisions whether or not you regard them as healthy, appropriate, or helpful

● Respect survivor’s confidentiality by not sharing their story

● Remember that there is no “right” way to respond to trauma

● Ensure the survivor is safe by checking in on their physical safety and identifying safe spaces in their existing support network

● Remind the survivor it is not their fault

● Show empathy and caution about physical touch and intimacy- ask what feels ok

● Offer to help with locating and connecting with resources

● Resist asking for details about the assault or abuse

● Assure the survivor that your relationship will stay intact despite what has or will happen

● Give the survivor control over their decisions (ASK what you can do to be supportive, don’t assume what they do or do not need)

● Be calm, be gentle, be caring, and be patient

To learn more about how trauma can impact survivors and additional ways to help support them, refer to this ted talk.

Here are some additional resources for you. Be mindful that these resources are discussing supporting survivors of sexual violence; however, the reactions and tips they share can apply to other types of power-based violence as well.

https://www.survivorstosuperheroes.org/for-loved-ones/for-significant-others/

https://www.rainn.org/articles/tips-talking-survivors-sexual-assault

It is important to remember that you are allowed to seek care for yourself in addition to being there for your loved one. There are some resources you can turn to in times of need, such as therapy, counseling services, CARE services, rape crisis centers, family resource centers, and support groups for significant others. You can use this resource to learn ways to take care of yourself as well.

Learning how to help and support a survivor can be hard, and navigating the challenges that accompany being a supportive significant other can also be challenging. My hope is that this guide helps to remedy some of the anxiety and difficulties that go along with being a supportive significant other.

After reviewing this guide, how might you respond if your significant other disclosed an experience of violence to you? What steps could you take to support the survivor and yourself? In thinking about these questions, you can also facilitate an open conversation with your significant other and ask what support might look like to them to make sure you are helping them to the best of your ability.