The Grey Among Yes, No, and Maybe
In Episode 3 of the Narrative Project, UCI staff and students discuss the murky areas of consent.
The first question they propose is this: Is there a grey area of consent?
Before we get into the two different sides, I would like to take the time to define consent. It is important to note that there are a variety of ways to define consent. Under a broad definition, consent can be an agreement among two or more individuals to engage in a specific act. Consent can also be a freely communicated “yes” that can be withdrawn at any time. Furthermore, consent can be a discussion about personal and relational boundaries. Last but not least, consent can be an active agreement to be sexual with someone.
The Yes Vote:
The few individuals who claimed there was a grey area to consent gave various reasons for believing so. They all agreed that consent exists in many conversations and contexts, all of which are diverse in nature. For example, consent in marital or long term relationships look different than consent in a short term or new relationship. Oftentimes, in long term relationships, there is an expectation that each partner will be ready to engage in sexual or intimate experiences all the time, no matter the context or situation. This expectation does not leave room for partners to express their discomfort or unpreparedness for sexual or intimate relations; there is no room to say “no” or discuss saying no. In these situations, boundaries may be disrespected.
Moreover, in these relationships, consent seeps into intimate habits that are not related to sexual experiences. For example, consent exists in habits of privacy: Do you want to be bothered while you are in the bathroom? Are you comfortable showering with your partner? Do you want space and privacy to dress? Are you comfortable touching or kissing while one or both partners are sick? Is your alone time sacred, or can you be alone together? In these situations and contexts, there are numerous examples in which consent can become murky or unclear if it is not communicated efficiently or effectively.
The No Vote:
Others in the discussion claimed consent does not have a grey area; it is either a yes or a no. They claim there is a fine line between consent and not consent, a line that should not be crossed at any time. Additionally, they believe that if that line is crossed, then consent has been violated, no matter the context. In this view, consent is a strict boundary that should be respected at all times, regardless of the situation, context, or partner. If it is disrespected, a clear boundary has been broken.
However, both sides agreed that proper consent education is, and has been, absent from sex education curriculums. This brings us to the next question they proposed in the podcast:
How can we teach young generations about consent and bodily autonomy?
First and foremost, conversations about consent and sex education should be normalized. Oftentimes, discussions surrounding these topics either do not occur in households or schools or occur in a limited manner with limited coverage. For example, many sex education curriculums only cover the science of sex- sex organ anatomy and preventative measures regarding pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. In households, sex and healthy relationships may not ever be discussed, aside from typical conversations about how not to get accused of sexual assault or protect yourself from being a victim of sexual assault.
If empathy is not taught in the home, discussions about consent, respecting boundaries, and the meaning of “no” may seem foreign or uncomfortable. Empathy is crucial in these topics because it teaches individuals to care for, listen to, and respect others. If care, active listening, and respect for significant others are learned, it shifts the trajectory of relationships toward a healthier manner. If you want to learn more about empathy, visit this link.
We can teach young generations about bodily autonomy and consent by creating more inclusive sex education within schools. Instead of focusing on pure science, we can teach students about healthy and unhealthy relationships, including warning signs and red flags for unhealthy relationships. This education would allow young generations to recognize which relationships are healthy and which relationships need some work. Furthermore, we can teach them about consent- how to ask for consent, how to create boundaries surrounding consent, and how to challenge the notion that consent is not sexy. With this information, individuals can cultivate their own beliefs and ideas about consent, integrate consent into their relationships, change the culture around consent, and teach future generations about consent. We can teach individuals about all types of sexuality as well, including LGBTQ+ identities and experiences.
Giving students knowledge about all sexualities and experiences allows them to gain insight into a broad range of sexualities. Likewise, students would learn about gender expression and gender fluidity. Changing the sex education curriculum to be more inclusive allows for these conversations to happen in a comfortable and normalized manner. If you are curious about what an inclusive sex education curriculum should include, please visit these links.
The media is another resource we can use to teach young generations about consent. Media has a broad range of effects on individuals, mainly social media and television. Numerous television shows portray sex, power-based violence, and consent; however, because these shows are often highly dramatized for entertainment, the reality of these depictions may not be compatible with real-life experiences. That being said, we must be careful in consuming media, especially surrounding these topics. Even though certain media can be misleading, we can use other types of media as learning tools. For example, Ted Talks and podcasts can be used as an educational tool to provide young generations with knowledge about these topics. These media types can have positive and lasting effects on the knowledge, beliefs, and attitudes of consumers. If you are curious about what a Ted Talk on this topic looks like, please explore these talks: “Coercion, Consent, and Sexual Violence” | Dr. Felicia Kimbrough | TEDxSIUC and “Why we’re confused about consent-rewriting our stories of seduction” | Michele Meek | TEDxProvidence.
So, is there a grey area to consent? Although we may not answer this question definitively, we can definitely take steps to make consent a normal and comfortable conversation for all.
References
Planned Parenthood. (n.d.). Sexual consent.
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent.
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. (n.d.) what consent looks like.
