The Importance of Defining and Upholding Boundaries

When thinking of boundaries, one might think of rules, ‘stop signs,’ or ways of saying “no.” While boundaries can certainly involve hard limits, it is important to recognize that the practice of setting boundaries can extend beyond just a decision to say “no” to a particular person or situation. As Cristien Storm writes in Empowered Boundaries, “Saying no is a powerful thing, [… but] is also only one part of the entire boundary-setting picture. Boundaries are as much about saying yes as they are saying no.”¹

So, what is a boundary? Boundaries are personal guidelines or limits around what one is and is not comfortable with. Boundaries can be focused on personal relationships — such as not wanting to be hugged by acquaintances, or being comfortable with physical affection from family members — or they can be focused on other aspects of one’s life, including professional or academic contexts. For instance, a parent may set the boundary that they do not work after a certain time because they need to pick up their child from daycare, or roommates might set a boundary that they are comfortable sharing food, but not other belongings.

“Boundaries are our way of communicating what we want and don’t want, what we need and don’t need.”¹

For survivors of power-based personal violence, especially sexual assault, boundary-setting can be very difficult.² These experiences involve a loss of control for the person being harmed, and after a traumatic experience, it is common for folks to feel triggered by many different stimuli, including things that may have felt safe for them prior to their trauma. For example, physical touch, even from loved ones, may not feel safe immediately following the traumatic event.³ Additionally, after an experience of trauma, survivors may find it more challenging to acknowledge what they want or how they want to be treated (as opposed to what they do not want or how they do not want to be treated). What they want may also be connected to past traumatic events, which can make communicating these wants overwhelming.¹ However, taking time to identify one’s boundaries and practice articulating them in a way that feels comfortable is an important step in one’s healing journey. For instance, it can be helpful to identify the self-defense, self-care, and boundary-setting skills that were helpful in surviving traumatic experiences. “Boundary work can involve renegotiating how we recall, remember, and tell stories about events, which impacts how we feel about them. Changing how we feel about an event informs how we remember it, which transforms our relationship to it. This process can change shameful and triggering memories into painful but also empowering ones, or even simply transform the negative memories that no longer have the power to induce distressing and overwhelming emotions.”¹ Implementing and renegotiating boundaries throughout the healing process can provide a survivor with feelings of safety and autonomy while simultaneously allowing them to receive support from others — including friends and loved ones as well as professionals such as therapists, advocates, and other personnel — in whatever ways feel best.⁴

While discussing boundaries, it is also important to recognize that boundary-setting cannot and will not prevent acts of power-based personal violence, and folks who are impacted by PBPV are never at fault. No amount of “good boundary-setting” can change the harm that another person chooses to carry out¹, but as noted above, reasserting boundaries can be a very empowering and healing process for survivors.

Boundaries can fall into many categories, and this article will not be able to discuss all of them. However, here are some helpful categories and questions to get started with identifying boundaries⁵:

1. Physical — Do I like being touched by people (handshakes, hugs, etc.)? Who can touch me (friends, family members, partners, acquaintances, etc.)? In what situations/places am I comfortable being touched by others? How much personal space do I need?
2. Sexual — What kinds of sexual acts am I comfortable with? How do I like to communicate during a sexual interaction? What are my limits when it comes to sexual intimacy? How do I like to protect myself from STIs? Who am I comfortable engaging with in sexual activity (platonic vs. romantic, casual vs. ongoing, etc.)? Do I want my sexual and/or romantic relationships to be monogamous or polyamorous?
3. Emotional — Who am I comfortable confiding in and sharing emotional information with? How do I process my emotions? What are the things I am not comfortable sharing with my partner, friends, or family members? If others confide in me, what types of topics am I comfortable discussing? What do I do if I feel like I cannot provide the level of support someone needs?
4. Intellectual — What are some ideas and beliefs that are non-negotiable for me? How do I communicate respect to someone else’s thoughts and ideas? At what point do I walk away from an argument or debate? How do I communicate to others when I feel disrespected?
5. Material — Who am I comfortable sharing with or loaning my belongings to? Which of my belongings am I comfortable sharing/loaning? How do I expect my belongings to be treated by others? How do I know who to trust with my belongings?
6. Time — How much time am I willing to spend by myself in a given week? What are the hours that I am willing to work? Who has access to me during the hours I’m normally inaccessible to most people (e.g., nighttime)? How does context change my time boundaries (e.g., are your boundaries different with some people in case of an emergency, but not with others)? How do I choose to spend my time? What are the activities that I prioritize over others?

What can one do when someone is not respecting their boundaries? Empowered Boundaries identifies four strategies to identify our boundaries and respond to boundary violations¹:

1. Name the Behavior — The initial step is to identify what specific behavior(s) will be addressed or negotiated. This might look like “You are standing really close to me,” or “You seem to expect me to work late every day.” Practicing naming the behavior that has crossed a boundary can be helpful in deciding how you wish to respond. It is important that the behaviors are stated in clear, direct, nonjudgmental language. For example, “She was totally rude” would not be a clear behavior statement, but “She continued to ask me to work this weekend even after I told her I could not” would be. Naming the behavior can be done aloud to the other person, or internally to yourself as you process what boundaries you would like to set.
2. Give a Directive — This skill involves telling the person or people that you are setting a boundary with what to do. This can be a commanding directive, such as “stop it!”, or a positive directive, such as “I really want you to try and be on time to our meetings.” Positive directives may be more appropriate for certain contexts or relationships, and commanding directives may be more appropriate for others. Like naming the behavior, these statements should be as free of judgment as possible. For example, naming the behavior, giving a positive directive, and giving a commanding directive (in that order) could look like “You are yelling at me. I’ll address your concerns once you can talk to me without raising your voice. Stop yelling at me right now!”
3. Broken Record — Being a broken record entails repeating the directive over and over as necessary. This helps us to interrupt justifying, explaining, or defending a boundary. Our boundaries don’t need “evidence,” so this strategy helps us maintain our boundaries without making us feel defensive or undermined. This also allows room to offer compassion and understanding, such as “I get it that you are angry, and my answer is still ‘no.’”
4. End an Interaction — This skill may be used to stop a conversation, finish an interaction, leave a situation, or end a relationship, even if things are not resolved or the other person does not want things to end. This can be done verbally and nonverbally depending on the situation and your comfort level. For instance, some folks might find it easier to leave a conversation by saying “You know, I don’t really want to talk right now,” while others might feel more comfortable simply physically walking away. However, this is an essential skill for all of us to build — “believing that it is acceptable to walk away, halt, interrupt, stop, redirect, and ultimately end an interaction is critical to boundary setting and boundary health.”

Once boundaries have been defined, it is important to remember that they do not need justification. As Cristien Storm writes, “Boundaries are not objective. They are subjective. There are times when one person feels like they have a right to set a boundary in a specific situation, and someone else may disagree. […] If we approach a situation such as this like a debate, we would hear both sides and then decide who was ‘right.’ This makes our right to a boundary conditional. We don’t need to prove our right to a boundary. Our right to boundaries is not conditional.”¹

For all of us in the UCI community, learning to set and maintain boundaries can be an important extension of self-love and self-care. If you would like to explore boundary-setting further, feel free to check out Empowered Boundaries from CARE’s Holistic Healing library and follow along with CARE’s re:Write Journaling series on boundaries for the Winter 2023 quarter. The first journal prompt will post at 12 noon on Monday, February 13th to all of CARE’s social media sites (@UCICARE).

References

1. Storm, C. (2018). Empowered boundaries: Speaking truth, setting boundaries, and inspiring social change. Random House Inc.
2. Messman, T. (1996). Child sexual abuse and its relationship to revictimization in adult women: A Review. Clinical Psychology Review, 16(5), 397–420. https://doi.org/10.1016/0272-7358(96)00019-0
3. Admin. (n.d.). Let’s Set Some Boundaries. Safe Place for Hope. Retrieved January 29, 2023, from https://safeplaceforhope.org/2020/06/18/lets-set-some-boundaries/
4. Czerny, A. B., Lassiter, P. S., & Lim, J. H. (2018, July 1). Post-abuse boundary renegotiation: Healing and reclaiming self after intimate partner violence. Journal of Mental Health Counseling. Retrieved January 29, 2023, from https://meridian.allenpress.com/jmhc/article-abstract/40/3/211/83529/Post-Abuse-Boundary-Renegotiation-Healing-and
5. UCI CARE. (2022). Exploring Your Boundaries [Class handout]. University of California, Irvine.