When Displays of Love Hurt: Navigating Valentine’s Day as a Survivor of Power-Based Personal Violence

Valentine’s Day can mean different things for different people. Some might want to spend the day with their friends or family, others with a romantic partner, or some do not care about the holiday at all. While Valentine’s Day may appear to be a harmless holiday celebrating love, it can present challenges for survivors of power-based personal violence (i.e., sexual assault, intimate partner violence, family violence, and sexual assault). Learning about why the holiday can be triggering and thinking of ways to approach it can assist survivors in making it past February 14th.

Why can Valentine’s Day be triggering?

For survivors of relationship violence, a holiday celebrating romantic love can be triggering for several reasons. Love-bombing or influencing a partner with over-the-top romantic displays can be a significant red flag for abuse. A holiday that celebrates over-the-top romance can remind survivors of past experiences of such manipulation. Additionally, psychologically abusive partners often justify their abuse as an act of love or tell the survivor that no one else will love them like they do. Psychological or emotional abuse can lead to isolation, depression, and confusion. Separately, some stalkers believe that they and the survivor are “meant to be,” which may cause stalking survivors to feel uncomfortable with public displays of love.

Relationship violence survivors may also find themselves reflecting on their past relationship(s) as they see seemingly happy couples celebrating the holiday. Some may long for their abusive partner as they think of the happy parts of their past relationship(s). They might feel ashamed or confused by these feelings, although having them is a common experience among relationship violence survivors. Other survivors may think of past incidents of violence, which can be overwhelming. While all of this is a common experience, it can still be distressing.

The pressure surrounding physical intimacy may trigger survivors of sexual violence. For a lot of people, Valentine’s Day is still a holiday that centers on romantic relationships, and many people consider sex to be a part of that. Sexual violence survivors may feel pressured by their current partner to have sex or feel bad for saying no to sexual intimacy on Valentine’s Day. Although sexual violence is not about sex, but power and control, struggling with sexual intimacy is common among many sexual violence survivors.

Gift-giving can be an upsetting aspect of Valentine’s Day for stalking and relationship violence survivors. Receiving unwanted gifts or notes can be tied to an experience of stalking. Stalking is an all too common occurrence, and many sexual assault and relationship violence survivors report experiencing stalking as well. Stalking survivors may feel stressed that the person causing harm will reach out to them or feel uncomfortable receiving gifts or cards because of past experiences related to their victimization. Separately, for relationship violence survivors, romantic gifts can be reminders of when abusive partners used gift-giving as a way of apologizing for the abuse.

Source: La Casa de las Madres https://www.lacasa.org/

Making it to February 15th

For all the reasons mentioned above and more, it is understandable for survivors of violence to feel triggered or uncomfortable on Valentine’s Day. Here are some general suggestions for how to make it through February 14th:

1. Consider making a self-care plan. Plan out activities to do alone or with another person. Keep resources handy that soothe the mind (like a playlist for guided meditation, rain sounds, or affirmations) or help cope with triggers (like a journal). Ask a friend to be on-call for support throughout the day.
2. Contact a helpline, like RAINN or the NDVH, if needed.
3. Consider setting up an appointment with a therapist or advocate before or after Valentine’s Day for extra support.
4. Try to mentally reframe Valentine’s Day as not limited to romantic love or sexual intimacy. Use the day to celebrate friendship or familial love instead or give back to others somehow.
5. Consider asking others beforehand if they are comfortable receiving gifts on Valentine’s Day. While gift-giving might seem benign, it may cross a boundary for a survivor.
6. Respect boundaries, including your own. Do whatever feels empowering and if something becomes too overwhelming, take a moment to reassess what emotions are coming up and what next steps to take. Never pressure anyone to have sex.
7. Remember that surviving abuse or violence does not mean being free from trauma. It is completely understandable to still be impacted by what happened. It does not imply weakness or anything of that sort to be impacted by an awful and traumatizing experience.
8. Remember that love shouldn’t hurt. Power-based personal violence is not about sex or love, but power and control over another person. It is never okay to hurt someone and call it love.

Source: My Choices Foundation

Experiencing an incident of trauma can be overwhelming, and it can be challenging to cope with triggers. Thinking about past experiences of trauma is not a sign of weakness, and healing is often not linear. Something that might have been manageable one day can be hard to cope with the next day. However, the trauma can become easier to manage with the proper support, whatever that may be.

And if it’s too hard to celebrate Valentine’s Day at all this year, that’s okay too. What’s important is making it to February 15th.