#WEDJ2020 (09/31) | Signs and Wonders

“Unless you people see signs and wonders,” Jesus told him, “you will never believe.” — John 4:48

Ciara Todd
Jul 10, 2020 · 2 min read
Image by Oleg Gamulinskiy from Pixabay

I knew it was going to happen. I knew I was going to cave to the pressure of missing you too damn much. I hate that you have to be a witness to my weakness, man.

Here’s the thing: I put on these fronts like I’m tough, that I can’t be rattled in the midst of a storm. You can’t wipe me out. “Built Ford Tough,” that’s me. It’s such a lie, though. I’m the weakest when it comes to denying myself what I want. When I want you so bad to pay attention to me, I do whatever it takes to get it. Embarrassment ain’t such a thing when it comes to you and I.

But it never works. You don’t care or at least you don’t respond. So I go back into my hideout until you choose to creep out to come see me. As much as I act like I don’t need you, act like you ain’t even on my mental radar, I’m beyond giddy. Rainbows and moonbeams levels of excitement. Such a child, such a brat.

I’m your brat.

I often refer to myself as a brat. This twenty-first century iteration of me sits comfortable in the idea that I can get on your nerves but you could never dream to get rid of me. I’m your favorite annoyance; swatting me away is futile. I get on your very last nerves but you love me anyway. I’m too adorable to let go and when I’m on my best behavior, it’s always for your benefit.

There’s always a payoff to my posturing: me.

But right now, I’m not getting a payoff. I’m here, by myself, wondering why my bratty ways aren’t working.

Why are you not paying attention to me?! Am I that much of a pest to you?

I go away, you know. I’m not being down your door to get to you. I haven’t killed your crops, wiped you out. I’m not a Biblical-level of pestilence. Not yet, at least. You start to act like I don’t exist, I might show up and show out. I’m not going away until God Herself wills me into the ground. I’m a show of signs and wonders if you just let me show up.

I really want to show out.

I can be the greatest wonder ever seen if you just let me put on a show.

Ciara Todd

Written by

Memoirist in spirit and in truth. Christian essayist when both the spirit and truth move me. email: crjtwrites[at]gmail.com

uglyhonest

uglyhonest is a storytelling series about the shoulda-coulda-woulda and the “thank God that didn’t happen”. Ugly stories about love and life told in a beautiful way.

Ciara Todd

Written by

Memoirist in spirit and in truth. Christian essayist when both the spirit and truth move me. email: crjtwrites[at]gmail.com

uglyhonest

uglyhonest is a storytelling series about the shoulda-coulda-woulda and the “thank God that didn’t happen”. Ugly stories about love and life told in a beautiful way.

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