Thug Life Theodicy — A Mustard Seed of Faith
Reflections on the 20th Anniversary of Tupac Shakur’s Song “So Many Tears”
“You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth: If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.” Matthew 17:20
And We will set up a just balance on the day of resurrection, so no soul shall be dealt with unjustly in the least; and though there be the weight of a grain of mustard seed, (yet) will We bring it, and sufficient are We to take account. Qur’an 21:47
Tupac Amaru Shakur (2Pac) died violently on September 13, 1996. In fact, he believed an early death was his fate — a mountain impossible to move. A year earlier, the rapper, actor, poet, and author predicted his own demise when he released a powerful spiritual hymn called So Many Tears. This song, rooted in Black Religion, is not only eerily somber and pessimistic about his disposition in life, but also boldly optimistic about God’s redemptive grace after death. Despite experiencing “hell on earth” and the steep struggle with urban life, he still believed that attaining salvation was possible. As Blues and Soul artists before him, he masterfully vocalizes the pain of his own existence, and of the profound pain in the souls of millions of young Black men of little faith of his time. The Blues were sung about the sadness of the Great Depression era; Soul about the struggles of the Civil Rights era; and Tupac’s So Many Tears is all about the sadness of the victims and survivors of the War on Drugs era in America.
Theologically, this song is both an affirmation of his failure to fulfill the Biblical verse of immanent spirituality and his repentant supplication to the transcendent meaning in the verse of the Qur’an above. He hopes for Grace and calls upon the Lord nearly twenty times. He bemoans a suffocating life of misery and pours out his own regret of being in this world, distant from God. We hear quite distinctly a final plea for help — for his soul — and indirectly — for the soul of all oppressed peoples, particularly the American archetypal figure known as the Black man.
So Many Tears speaks to anyone whose daily life vacillates between fear and hope, life and death, heaven and hell, and pain and suffering in the grips of outward oppression and/or inward depression.
It is an archetypal testimony of fidelity about those with just a “mustard seed of faith.” The rhyme and reason has the aim of giving eternal hope to those temporally in conditions of hopelessness. His purpose is to push the social psyche to find comfort in the hope of forgiveness, mercy, and peaceful rest by God’s grace. Tupac asks the big questions of theodicy through both soft inquiries and loud lamentations: “Is there heaven for a G?” and “I know my destiny is Hell. Where did I fail?”
I offer a theological reflection on the first bar of this song to honor the legacy of the artist 2Pac and to remember his prayer as a voice of hope for the Black man today. This is a reflection on Tupac’s prayer and an inaugural explication of what I hear as expressions of the mustard seed of faith he retained to the end. Whether you live in deserted Detroit or Damascus, wait in prison in Philadelphia or Occupied Palestine, or are bomb survivors in Boston or Baghdad, may God hear the prayers of the archetypal Black man clinging on to a “mustard seed of faith,” boldly hoping and longing for a better life to come.
I shall not fear no man but God
Though I walk through the valley of death
I shed so many tears (if I should die before I wake)
Please God walk with me (grab a nigga and take me to Heaven)
Back in elementary, I thrived on misery
Left me alone I grew up amongst a dyin breed
Inside my mind couldn’t find a place to rest
until I got that Thug Life tatted on my chest
Tell me can you feel me? I’m not livin in the past, you wanna last
Be tha first to blast, remember Kato
No longer with us he’s deceased
Call on the sirens, seen him murdered in the streets
Now rest in peace
Is there heaven for a G? Remember me
So many homies in the cemetery, shed so many tears
Ahh, I suffered through the years, and shed so many tears
Lord, I lost so many peers, and shed so many tearsNow that I’m strugglin in this business, by any means
Label me greedy gettin green, but seldom seen
And fuck the world cause I’m cursed, I’m havin visions
of leavin here in a hearse, God can you feel me?
Take me away from all the pressure, and all the pain
Show me some happiness again, I’m goin blind
I spend my time in this cell, ain’t livin well
I know my destiny is Hell, where did I fail?
My life is in denial, and when I die,
baptized in eternal fire I’ll shed so many tearsLord, I suffered through the years, and shed so many tears..
Lord, I lost so many peers, and shed so many tearsNow I’m lost and I’m weary, so many tears
I’m suicidal, so don’t stand near me
My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer
to embrace an early death, now there’s nothin left
There was no mercy on the streets, I couldn’t rest
I’m barely standin, bout to go to pieces, screamin peace
And though my soul was deleted, I couldn’t see it
I had my mind full of demons tryin to break free
They planted seeds and they hatched, sparkin the flame
inside my brain like a match, such a dirty game
No memories, just a misery
Paintin a picture of my enemies killin me, in my sleep
Will I survive til the mo’nin, to see the sun
Please Lord forgive me for my sins, cause here I come…Lord, I suffered through the years (God) and shed so many tears..
God, I lost so many peers, and shed so many tearsLord knows I.. tried, been a witness to homicide
Seen drivebys takin lives, little kids die
Wonder why as I walk by
Broken-hearted as I glance at the chalk line, gettin high
This ain’t the life for me, I wanna change
But ain’t no future right for me, I’m stuck in the game
I’m trapped inside a maze
See this Tanqueray influenced me to gettin crazy
Disillusioned lately, I’ve been really wantin babies
so I could see a part of me that wasn’t always shady
Don’t trust my lady, cause she’s a product of this poison
I’m hearin noises, think she fuckin all my boys, can’t take no more
I’m fallin to the floor; beggin for the Lord to let me in
to Heaven’s door — shed so many tears
(Dear God, please let me in)Lord, I’ve lost so many years, and shed so many tears..
I lost so many peers, and shed so many tears
Lord, I suffered through the years, and shed so many tears..
God, I lost so many peers, and shed so many tears
What is the significance of the mustard seed?
If measured in the temporal balance, a mustard seed does not carry the honor of a fully developed root, nor the value of a stem that broke through the muddy soil around it. A mustard seed is far from being classified as a plant firmly fixed above the earth or as lofty as a tree. It is a seed, an insignificant measure on our human scales, and only God recompenses its eternal value. Tupac Amaru Shakur cries out the struggle and misery of a child in a violent environment without family roots. His lack of education leads him to a business dirty and demonic. He was constantly intoxicated, which, in the urban streets, we call “medicated.” In this state of mind, he concluded it was impossible for him to be anything other than a seed; he longed to be laid to rest where he would find peace in the dirt like so many of his peers. Yet this state did not prevent him from repenting and hoping for God’s forgiveness, mercy, and ultimate grace. He lived and died on the meaning of his Arabic last name, Shakur, as he did recognize and appreciate the transcendent capacity of a generous giver of grace who he called upon repeatedly as his God and Lord. Although he shed so many tears and failed to live a righteous life, his hope prevailed for a God who would grant him redemption.
I pray that we today press on, holding tight to the rope of God, in order to live righteous lives despite the difficulties of this temporal life. I pray that we today continue our longing for God’s grace despite the misery of life. Dear God, our trust in You is firm and we hope that the archetypal Black man has the weight of at least a mustard seed that opens heaven’s door to him and those unjustly oppressed.
