My Emotions Tell me I Can’t
How to break free from deceptive emotions during quarantine
Something strange invaded my life when this whole virus quarantine thing started. It permeated my being. Undermined my confidence. Disrupted every routine. I wasn’t really sure how to describe it. I couldn’t place it. And, it bothered me a lot. Even more so because I couldn’t name it.
Finding freedom from these unnamed feelings has changed how I think about and respond to my stay-at-home mandated life.
My Pre-isolation World
I work from home. I have for years. Even when I held a corporate position instead of CEO of my own business, I worked from home. Working from home became such a regular thing I wouldn’t take a job that didn’t offer the option. My husband and I were also intentional about buying homes where I had a dedicated office. Working from home is my way of life.
I am an introvert. Being an introvert doesn’t make me shy or reserved. My Myers-Briggs labels me “expressive.” Some would call me opinionated. I tend to be most vocal in work or church settings. In social situations, I am more quiet. When I’m with certain people, I become quite chatty. Nevertheless, I am an extreme introvert. Point being, I like being alone. I was self-isolating before it was cool.
My kids had things to do outside of home for 6–8 hours per day. My oldest son worked (he was laid off due to the stay-at-home edicts). My other three children spent their days at school. I took the kids to school and my husband picked them up on his way home from work. While they were away, I felt unfettered. My schedule was my own and I didn’t get interrupted by anyone other than my furry companion, Penny. She and I were in sync. She seemed to need an outside break right about the time I needed to step away from my computer for a few minutes.
Hubby maintained a predictable schedule. DH leaves for work early every morning. I knew when he would get home based on whatever extracurricular activities were scheduled for the day. I planned my work and school schedule around the ebb and flow of the people in my home.
My day followed a rhythm. Ebb and flow seems the most apt description. Thinking about it reminds me of a relaxing day at the beach. Even on the most stressful days, the ebb and flow kept us moving the same directions. The routine, the ease of planning gave me a modicum of control over my world. I liked that. Good or bad, control moderates my well-being.
Enter Stay-at-Home Mandates
Even before our county and state began issuing mandates, the constant influx of coronavirus news distracted me from my regular routine. I found myself on Facebook longer than usual. I surfed the web fact-checking everyone’s opinion. Is it really bad? Is it not really that bad? Do I need to go shopping? Do I need to carry on life as usual?
Thankfully, a few days before TP went missing from every known store on the planet, I carried on business as usual. It was March 10. Tuesday.
Then it happened. Honestly, I don’t remember what the “it” was. All I remember is my kids had Friday off from school for a teacher workday. Parents received a communication students would go to school Monday through Wednesday and then have two additional teacher workdays to set-up for remote schooling. Within hours, the plan changed to teacher workdays Monday and Tuesday, remote schooling starts Wednesday. We’ve been on this ride since that day. March 18.
I laughed it off. My world wouldn’t change much. I do everything from home anyway and I like being alone. I could handle this situation. All is well.
Joke’s on Me
A few days into our quarantine, I felt uneasy. I admit (and I don’t like making myself vulnerable) I felt paralyzed. I wasn’t worried or scared. I couldn’t really name how I felt. And it hit me…
I felt confined.
The confinement I felt wasn’t physical. I spent most days alone and relished those few hours with only my work and my dog. Working from home, easy. No change there either.
No, this confinement was emotional, mental, and spiritual.
Change is the Best Response to Change
None of know how long we will live in this new normal. Not even the experts.
For now, I know our state is on stay-at-home orders through the end of April. My kids will continue remote schooling through May 15 — two weeks before the end of the school year. These announcement mean the next four to six weeks, at least, will persist the same as the last two.
More confinement.
Emotions result from what and how we think about a situation. Those thoughts influence, or sometimes dictate, our behaviors.
Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, our souls respond to our thoughts and behaviors. We’re designed as holistic beings. That’s why our emotions (consider stress) affect our bodies. Our bodies (consider pain) affect our moods. And, so on.
We can change how we act. We can change what we think. Therefore, we can change how we feel. Our souls respond similarly.
Change is not always easy, but it is possible.
How to Break Free
Step One
Our first step to breaking free from our unnamed emotions is to identify them.
First, I focused on what I didn’t feel. I didn’t feel worried, scared, or angry.
Next, because I couldn’t put my feelings into words, I envisioned my feelings. I’m a visual person. I could imagine how my feelings looked. I looked tied up, constrained, trapped.
That’s when I realized I felt confined. But, confinement is a state of being, not an emotion we feel. I needed to put my feelings into words, to give it a name.
I used this list to help me. Several words resonated with me. Vexed. Disturbed. Preoccupied. One, though, leaped off the page. I knew it was the emotion that I had been experiencing, but couldn’t name.
Helpless.
I felt helpless.
I’m a fixer. I can’t fix this problem. I can’t give my kids ways to interact face-to-face with their friends. I can’t hug my church friends. I can’t follow the same routines I did previously, because people are in my house ALL day!
Because I felt helpless, I acted helpless. My thoughts became increasingly self-defeating, which reinforced my behaviors, which reinforced my feelings.
Step Two
Once I identified my feelings of helplessness, I needed to change my behavior. I had to quit acting helpless to quit thinking and feeling helpless.
Behaviors change thinking, not the other way around.
Reflect on a time you felt lazy or unmotivated. Thinking to yourself, “I should do something more productive” will not make you feel excited to do whatever it is — exercise, for example. Only when we physically get up and do whatever it is that needs to be done will our mood or feelings change. We feel productive, energized, proud after the action, not before.
Action > thoughts > feelings.
What behaviors did I need to change? Instead of thinking about what I couldn’t do, I thought about what I could do. Here are a few ideas I had:
I can plan my work day around the average time my kids take to finish school. We can spend extra time together doing things we didn’t have the opportunity to do previously. I can get my children involved in housework, cooking, and other life skills our schedules prevented. I can start my day earlier and end earlier because I don’t have to go anywhere or run errands.
Changing my actions (how I scheduled my time) changed my mental state. I like having a certain degree of control. My mood changes when I have that control, when I’m able to fix things. The helplessness dissipated more with fresh ideas to “fix” our current circumstances.
Productive actions > inspired thinking > positive feelings.
Step Three
What about the spiritual implications? Our actions, thoughts, and feelings impact our spiritual well-being in addition to our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Every part of who we are affects every other part.
- Recognize the lie you’re being told.
For me, I recognized helplessness as a lie. I am not helpless. Very few are truly helpless. If you are reading this article, you most likely don’t fall into that category.
You can be certain, if you feel helpless, then the enemy — regardless of whether you acknowledge Satan as your enemy — is deceiving you. When we feel helpless, we stop doing anything. We give up. We wallow in despair.
2. Ask a different question.
Many of us are asking, “why is this happening?” The question is a valid one and worth exploring later. Asking why focuses on the external, something separate from more intimate, internal needs where thinking and feeling happen.
The better question right now, in the midst of feeling helpless (or whatever you may feel) is, “Where is God when I need Him most?”
3. Explore God’s Truth.
When we feel disconnected, doubtful, angry, scared, etc. we need to change the behaviors that fuel our internal dialogue (our thoughts) to drive our feelings toward the Truth — toward God’s character.
God doesn’t change. He is working. He is all powerful. All present. All knowing. God is love. He is faithful. He is not a God of confusion. He draws near the brokenhearted. He is the Prince of Peace, the Wonderful Counselor.
God created us as holistic beings — our bodies, minds, and souls work in union. To revive your spiritual feelings, do the spiritual things — even if you don’t feel like doing them.
Read God’s Word, the Bible. Pray, especially with others. Ask questions. Seek Him. Rest in Him. Be still and listen.
We can grow in our faith while we have fewer distractions. Or, find faith for the first time. We can hope.
What’s Next?
We face the most uncertain time since the Great Depression. Most of us and many of our parents did not live through that time. We have no point of reference for our current circumstances — few stories, no personal experiences.
We feel a range of emotions. Some of the emotions feel good. Some are like confinement — not really a feeling, but a new state of being resulting in unidentified and uncomfortable emotions.
Name your emotions. See them for what they are. Recognize the lies of your self-talk and the resulting behavior. Work backwards. Change your behavior. Then, change your thinking. Your emotions will follow.
See what you CAN do in the new normal.
Joanna VanDeWater is a working writer, entrepreneur, and seminary student. She loves solving problems, drinking coffee, and talking about Jesus Christ (belief not required). Find her online women’s ministry through Facebook @coffeestainedcounters. Need marketing or sales enablement help? Visit her business web site https://whiteravenstrategies.com/ and give her a shout.
