My Struggle with Homosexuality
How I wrestled with my Christian faith to find Love
*Names changed throughout to protect identities.
I feel compelled to tell you upfront, I’m straight. Happily married for nearly 20 years to the same great guy.
I’m also a very conservative Republican and evangelical Christian. Oh the horror! Yes, I’m one of the people Trump-haters love to lump into one big category and label all kinds of not-so-nice things.
Sadly, I’ve done the same.
I really hope whatever biases my self-imposed labeling conjures for you that we can agree to put those aside for the few minutes it takes for you to read my story.
After reading some heart-rending posts a couple of days ago about hatefulness and violence against gays followed by reading some rather hurtful responses that threw me and other evangelical Christians into a bucket of bigotry, I couldn’t sleep.
I wasn’t angry or even a little frustrated. I kept thinking about the formation of my beliefs and how I’ve been for, against, and everything in-between. How and why did I judge one way or another? Can I stand by what I believe today without casting stones?
My heart hurts, because as our perspectives evolve and change we feel compelled to stereotype and exacerbate divisions. How does one hate dispel another?
My hope is that my story might shed some light on a struggle I think many Christians face. More importantly, I hope it will compel Bible-believing Christians to get themselves out of the labeling business.
Evangelical Christians have a tough hill to climb when it comes to redeeming our reputation. And, if we really believe that the Bible is true and we want to put it into practice — well, then we better start trekking.
I also hope those of the LGBTQ+ community who choose to read this article will consider getting out of the labeling business, too. I’m not a homophobe, anti-gay, or a hater. No one has punched me for my sexuality, but I’ve been bullied, harassed, called names, ostracized, and in other ways abandoned because of my love for Christ.
Judgments hurt everyone.
Gay? What’s that?
When I was around 15, my best friend was a strawberry-blonde, freckled boy named Trevor.* I loved him the way only best friends love. He had three brothers all with dark hair, dark eyes, and an insane love for sports.
Trevor was different. He looked different. He was creative. He was gentle. His father didn’t understand him, and beat him with a football helmet putting Trevor into the hospital. Trevor went to a rehab center after attempting suicide. We were in community theater together and inseparable, except for those times. I missed him.
I will never forget the day we were eating brunch after church (we must have been 16 by then because we drove ourselves.) He told me he was gay. I probably said something lame like, “Really?” And, then asked a lot of questions about how he figured it out and what that meant, exactly. I had no idea. Trevor was the only gay person I knew.
He told me about his growing feelings and a man who took advantage of him. Out of that negative experience, somehow he realized he liked men more than women. I didn’t understand it. I would think just the opposite would happen.
Not once did I recoil from him or think he was doomed to Hell. He told me that if I could tell him where in the Bible says being gay was wrong then he would stop.
He struggled with his beliefs, too. I was still new in my faith. I had no idea what spiritual advice to give him.
We ate our eggs and talked about other things.
Growing in Ignorance
As I grew in my faith, my knowledge of the Bible and what I thought it meant gained substance and cohesion.
Like other immature Christians, I trusted other people’s interpretation of the Bible more than the Bible itself and God’s leading through the Holy Spirit. I got really good at proof texting — taking single verses out of context to fit a specific situation. I also chose to ignore parts I didn’t understand or didn’t allow me to live the way I wanted.
Both are very dangerous religious practices.
By the time I went to college, I held tightly to some beliefs. Others I tested through personal experience.
College. The formative years.
My English professor did not like me.
Dr. Filbert told me within my first week on campus (he was also my adviser) that I scored the lowest on my SAT among the other honors students. If the decision had been up to him, I would not have been in the program.
Our relationship went downhill from there.
By my freshman year of college, one of my tightly held beliefs was that homosexuality was wrong, an abomination, and yes, at that time in my life, I recoiled in disgust.
Commentary about perversion and condemnation replaced my naivete with a new kind of ignorance.
Dr. Filbert was openly gay, which in the late 80's at the crest of the AIDS epidemic, was a big deal.
I was openly Christian and Republican, which during the Reagan-Bush era and the height of the family values culture, was a big deal.
In one class, we watched and analyzed My Beautiful Laundrette. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you anything about the movie other than it included a gay couple and I was deeply offended that I was forced to watch such profanity.
I don’t remember what came before or after the comment I made during our discussion. I do remember being adamant that I didn’t care what those people did in private, but they needed to keep it there.
My Coming of Age Moment
My internal pendulum started to swing the other way a couple years later.
While at a College Republicans state leadership meeting (I was our club founder and president and the state parliamentarian — Reagan kid to the core), our team reviewed and edited the coming year’s platform. We discussed the wording and then voted on inclusion of each plank. One really shook me.
For the first time, I saw myself the way I imagined people outside my demographic saw me.
I was horrified.
The language of this viewpoint made broad generalizations and denigrated gay men without any remorse. And, it was wrong.
Essentially, the plank unequivocally blamed gay men for AIDs and condemned them and their behavior, and called for the closure of places reputed to be gay hangouts, like bath houses.
This meeting was in 1991-ish. The controversies regarding bath houses erupted in 1984 (San Francisco) and 1985 (New York City.)
One other girl and I rallied to soften the language and correct the grossly inaccurate accusations. This issue was over six years old and research had revealed new information about HIV/AIDS.
Now mind you, as a Republican in North Carolina while Jesse Helms was in Senate, we were not going to condone homosexuality. I don’t want to mislead you. Nevertheless, Annie and I were outraged that our peers would be so obstinate about information that was irredeemably wrong, grammatically and factually.
We were essentially blacklisted. We left the meeting together shocked at the ferocity with which we were attacked over grammar and falsehoods. Our opponents feared any changes that made the organization appear accepting of homosexuality.
Through to the Other Side
Over the course of my college years, I started to rationalize every political and religious belief I had. I twisted Bible verses until my faith was a crazy concoction of whatever I wanted it to be. I leaned more pro-choice. I became more of a reletavist.
I quit participating in College Republicans. I quit the soccer team. I moved off campus. I joined the rescue squad, started smoking. I was sullen and depressed. I used people, alcohol, cigarettes, and adrenaline to feel better.
Eventually, I met a man with whom I fell in love and dated very seriously. He introduced me to the gay life in ways I had never seen. I met his friends, most of whom were gay. He took me to gay clubs whenever we went out.
My insecurity about losing this man influenced me to question my beliefs about homosexuality. I continued to rationalize every scripture, every teaching, every opinion until I became dull to the Holy Spirit and my doubts.
My Christian ideologies, already cast aside out of guilt and shame and confusion, dissipated further with my love for my new friends. No longer did I see them as those people. They were regular folks.
I was a scared 20-something girl who had never felt loved. I let go of everything I knew about life and started over. I walked away from God mentally and emotionally. But, His Spirit never left me.
Return of the Prodigal Daughter
Several years and a very nasty breakup later, I couldn’t be away from God anymore. The depression, anxiety, loneliness, and heartache were overwhelming. My heart softened to God’s gentle, loving call to return to Him. I had spent over a decade living my life as anything but a Christian. I felt lost, joyless, and deeply hurt.
I prayed. A lot. I read my Bible. I repented. I went back to church.
God scooped up my broken pieces. He restored the joy of my salvation and reminded me that He never quit loving me. I never quit being His — no matter how far I had roamed or what choices I made along the way.
As I started to grow in my faith again and studied God’s Word, I still struggled with what to think about homosexuality. I had traveled a very different road for over 10 years. I saw and experienced things most Christians never encounter.
I saw the rampant promiscuity common in gay clubs, sometimes on the dance floor. I also saw the tender love of committed couples as they faced the consequences of HIV together. My thinking was stretched to new dimensions. I could no longer separate the subject homosexuality from the beautiful LGBT friends I cherished.
At first my struggle was between what I believed about the absolute truth of God’s Word and the love I had seen between two men or two women.
I opted to believe in God’s Word, and still do. In my life and the testimonies of so many around me, God proves He is faithful and trustworthy. Always. In every situation.
I cringed at the so-called Christian behavior depicted in the news and on social media. How did they make God — the very epitome of love — sound so awful and hateful?
I knew Christians were wrong in their attitudes and behaviors. Something had to change. I couldn’t see the path forward.
The answer seems so obvious now.
The Only Thing that Matters
Christ loved unconditionally. He is my example and standard.
Not only that, Christ came “not to condemn, but to save.” (John 3:17)
People see signs for and references to John 3:16 ALL. THE. TIME. I could write a whole post (and probably will) about how Christians use this verse incorrectly. That’s beside the point for now.
I wonder how many Bible-believing Christians know the next verse.
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:16–17, New International Version of the Bible (my emphasis added in bold)
These verses together demonstrate love without condemnation. Who am I to live my life and practice my beliefs in a way contrary to God Himself?
Let’s go a little further. Even if you think the Bible is utter hogwash, the definition of love in action spans every belief system:
Love is patient and kind.
Love does not envy or boast.
Love is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way.
Love is not irritable or resentful.
Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8
Gay-ness is not a ticket to Hell
First, to my LBGTQ friends, I realize gay-ness may not be a preferred term. I hope you’ll forgive me as I try to make this very important point.
I know some evangelical Christians reading this article are automatically turning to Genesis, Leviticus, or Romans. Cool your jets and open your minds for a moment. We are moving beyond proof-texting. The Bible must be considered as a whole, not random bits and pieces. Don’t malign God that way. Remember not everyone who says Lord, Lord will enter the kingdom of heaven. Neither you, nor I are better than anyone else.
Let me be clear. The verses that some fundamentalist Christians use to condemn the LGBTQ+ community do NOT mean this entire people group is doomed to Hell.
God is not a respecter of persons. He is not an arbitrary judge that puts humans He created into a single category and writes them off for eternity. No! People do that, twisted-thinking people, NOT God.
Sadly, this perversion of God’s Word is what taught me prejudice and led to years of confusion.
What DOES the Bible say?
For a tiny moment, let’s all put aside the controversy of what the Bible says about sexuality. We’re going to create a imaginary world where a person’s sexuality is a non-issue. Poof!
(Now I know some of you want to crucify me for taking homosexuality off the table. On one side, some are screaming, “You can’t minimize who I am.” On the other side, others are screaming, “You can take God’s Words out of the Bible.” You’re both right and I am not doing that. I want us to see the real problem — not the one that divides us. Just for a tiny minute.)
OK, now that we are all in our imaginary worlds, let’s examine our new reality. Lying still there? What about cheating? Selfishness? Arrogance? Lust? Murder? Laziness? Wrath? Hatred? Condemning thoughts? Judging? Self-righteousness? Name calling? Verbal abuse? Lack of self-control? Gluttony? Drunkenness? Coarse joking? Cursing? Gossiping? Hypocrisy?
Shall I continue?
We do not get to define right and wrong. That is God’s job. Only people rank good and bad actions.
I don’t care how many meals you give to the homeless, how much money you donate to charity, how many mission trips you take. And, God doesn’t either. You can’t buy righteousness from God.
The Bible teaches that NONE are righteous. The Bible teaches while WE were living in sin, Christ died for us. God is holy, completely set apart from sin. Without Jesus, we are not. That’s a humbling thought.
The Bible doesn’t separate people into groups and proclaim white church goers are first in line to Heaven.
Love without condemnation. That is the message and gift Christ brought to this world. Try as we might, we will fail in this effort. God never fails to love us and Christ is the proof.
Christ’s Command to His Followers
Everyone who knows me knows I love the Word of God as complete and perfect Truth.
And…
Christ did not command me to go, therefore, and enforce every rule in the Bible and impose on people impossible standards to follow that can’t save them anyway.
No.
Christ said to love. He said go tell people how much I love them and want to have a personal relationship with them. Tell them I love them so much I died for them and would do it again. Let them know we can’t earn grace. And, all people need grace equally. Give them a message of hope and peace.
Final Words
I would be a hypocrite to say I don’t still struggle with what our country wants to promote as cultural norms.
My kids know more about sex and sexuality at their young ages than I did in my 20’s. We talk openly about whatever subjects they wish. And I teach them what it took me over 30 years to learn.
Love without condemnation.
P.S. If you want to know more about Christ’s gift of unconditional love, let me know. (Hey, I’m an evangelical. I wouldn’t be doing my job, if I didn’t offer.)
