Darth on Security

A Memo to Team Death Star

From: darth@empiremail.com
Sent: Monday, May 4, 4 ABY
To: team@deathstar.com
Subject: Recent Data Leak


I come to you today on behalf of the Emperor to discuss the very important issue of security. After Luke destroyed the Death Star with one shot(!), the Empire has been “forced” to address our security procedures. First, who would have thought one two-meter thermal exhaust port could cause the destruction of something with its own gravitational pull?! But as we move forward with the construction of the second Death Star, our newest threat isn’t Luke, Leia, or the Rebellion — it’s cyber attacks from Alliance hackers.

While I watched my beloved planet destroyer explode, narrowly escaping the fireball myself in my custom tie-fighter with the curved wings (Thanks Palp!) I had to ask myself, how did this happen? Well, we know exactly how it happened. We weren’t defeated by some kind of high profile matrix-style hacker, or the “Chosen One.” The plans were smuggled out by a simple maintenance droid. A maintenance droid!

Yes, I’ll be the first to admit that R2 units are cute with their beeps and boops, but that doesn’t make them harmless. From now on we have a strict physical security policy. Nothing in. Nothing out. Stop worrying if escape pods have life forms or not, just fire away and ask questions later! It’s the way of the Empire.

And BYOD? Forget about it. Any droids that would steal valuable information to cause the destruction of an entire Death Laser’s population (THOSE MEN HAD FAMILIES!) are not the droids we’re looking for here at the Empire. Unless you need it to breathe, it stays at home.

Okay. Let’s address some basic security measures that are going to become standard around here.

I know a lot of you have been talking, so I’ll just address it now. Yes, it’s true— if we had been using encryption the whole time as the IT team recommended, the Alliance never would have been able to read the stolen plans, the Death Star would still be here, and we’d still be having pizza parties every Friday night. Do I miss the pizza parties? Yes. Was not using encryption my decision? Yes. But is this 100% my fault? The answer is no. If you think otherwise come see me in my office and tell me to my facemask.

We fell victim to several rebel email scams. Now, I understand that fake email can be very hard to detect — especially under the influence of a Jedi Mind Trick — but we need to remain vigilant and ask, Will that pill really add two inches to my lightsaber? The answer is no, it won’t. Don’t open the email. And don’t fall for the I’m a Jedi chosen to restore balance to the force, all I need is 1,000 Galactic Credits to get back to my home planet. It’s definitely a trap.

What’s worse, and a way bigger factor in my opinion are your terrible, terrible passwords. After a few force chokes in the IT Department (kidding!) we discovered that “Stormtrooper1234” was the most common password on the Death Star. I know you guys are all the same but let’s try to be a little more creative here.

Take, for example, my first password, “Padme4Ever.” Sadly, it had to be changed after her untimely death (it wasn’t my fault). My second password “WorldsBestDad” had to be changed after I destroyed Leia’s home planet and cut Luke’s hand off. And my third password “Sith4Ever” is here to stay because I am never leaving the Dark Side, that I can guarantee you. Wait… crap.

On the bright side, we were able to obtain some of the Rebel Scum’s passwords thanks to our new cyber warfare division. The last team was either fired or force choked, I can’t recall right now. Turns out Yoda doesn’t have a password — way too old to use a computer, plus, the Dagobah system is still on dial up anyway. Jabba’s password is cupcake74. Luke relies on “Use the Forgot Password button Luke.” Princess Leia’s is “Alderaanreasons.” Han Solo’s password is “HanYOLOshootsfirst,” which actually makes sense. Chewbacca’s password was just “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh!Grrf” R2-D2's password is “BeepBopBoop” and lets not forget Jar Jar Binks, his password was “MeeesaDaWorstPart.” Use these for what you will.

The bottom line is we need to make sure we don’t have another one of these gigantic death lasers blowing up again. I experienced the Emperor’s lightning hands after the first one was destroyed and believe me, it was not pleasant. It was almost as bad as the time my whole body got burned by lava. I get it — he’s chairman of the board — I’m CEO, but take it easy! I can barely breathe under this big mask. Anyway I digress.

With a little effort, the next time someone wants to hack our data, we’ll have protections in place to make sure it will not happen. The Death Star 2 is going to be awesome, and we definitely won’t be allowing any pesky rebels to penetrate our systems again. Enforcement may or may not involve me and some aggressive force-choking. The Emperor and I are still hammering out details.

CEO Galactic Empire

This is a work of satire. May the Fourth be with you today, and on Thursday May 7, World Password Day. Click to learn more about celebrating #PasswordDay, and simplifying the passwords in your life.