Questions
Have you ever had to ask yourself a difficult question? One where you were not allowed to lie, deflect or justify? It is moments like these when you discover just how cruel you can truly be. It is scary, well almost, how quickly you can proclaim yourself guilty. All the facts are already present before you, and there is hardly any need to ponder over it, seeing as you have been doing that pretty much all your life. You will forgive yourself in the end no doubt, with a sigh, or maybe even a wry smile, because deciding not to do so will mean your end, in every sense of the word.
Have you ever had to say goodbye to someone, even though you did not want to? The hurt of giving up on someone, no matter how much you tell yourself that it is temporary, is not something I would wish upon my worst enemies. It is seemingly unending, and it never does seem to let up, that is until the moment that it does let up, and then as if by magic it rapidly shrinks away. They don’t quite go away entirely, but somehow they transform. They transform from this all-encompassing, all-consuming fog that enveloped you, into a hint of an aroma that somehow lingers persistently all around you.
Have you ever had your heart-broken, by someone who is also shattering their own heart into a million pieces? How do you stop them, knowing that you are not the only one hurting? That they are in all likelihood worse off than you? Maybe it is unavoidable, it certainly is inevitable, though you may, with all your heart, wish otherwise. There is nothing beautiful about this moment, no matter how pragmatic you are. The rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia will certainly do their job, once some time has passed, but the wound that it leaves will remain an open gash for a long time.
And lastly, have you ever yearned so much for someone that it physically hurts you? Ever stood mere inches from someone you adored but could not kiss them? It is a different kind of hurt altogether when something like this happens. It goes beyond anything you and I are capable of rationalizing or putting into words. It hits you out of the blue, this urge, this urge to go the distance, if only for once, and claim what you so dearly wish to own. There is no name for it. It is not love, or lust or anything in between. At most you could define it as an almost irresistible urge to possess someone, for however brief a moment. It is childish, to even think that anything good could ever come out of it, but in that moment it does not matter.
Such questions sometimes bother me. They have a propensity of hitting you when you’re most vulnerable. Maybe you are inordinately happy, or unimaginably sad. No matter what your state of mind, they do leave you a little more broken, a little rougher on the edges.
