Isolation, and its invisible nature
Being an “only” and not even realizing it
It was the spring of 2010, I was a senior at Bryn Mawr College, majoring in Computer Science and Economics, hoping to build a glorious career in investment banking. To that end, I found myself invited to a final round interview at a prestigious firm in Philadelphia — it was going to be a long day of back to back meetings with a “mixer” to close it out.
We began around a large conference room table in a tight room. I sat at one of the corners, shifting uneasily in my chair. Most of the day is a blur, but I have a clear memory of the mixer. I remember awkwardly holding a cold pint of beer, pretending to drink, nervously chiming in an “ohhh” into conversations largely centered around baseball news, laughing when the rest of the group did having zero idea why. I stood on the outskirts of conversation circles, invisible enough that had I walked away, I’m not sure anyone would have noticed. On the train home that evening, I came away with gutting anxiety and fear that I am just not cut out for my dream career in investment banking.
At the time, I briefly spoke to a friend about the day. She nodded along, and nonchalantly added, “oh yeah, memorizing sport news is one of my to-dos to prepare for interviews. Always.” So, I began to do the same.
Fast forward to last fall, when I joined a couple of women-only communities, brought together once a month for peer learning, coaching and mentorship. These groups included women who were on leadership teams of big foundations, on boards of social impact organizations, they were leading grassroots efforts, they were creating tech solutions. Almost every single gathering had an underlying theme of what we identified as imposter syndrome: these amazing women fearing that they were not cut out for the roles they were in. And then, one of us said: “I’m the youngest on the leadership team, and I’m the only woman. I keep feeling that I will fail.” I had always thought of imposter syndrome as a purely internal feeling, driven by a personal lack of confidence, but once I heard her words, I began to think differently.
I haven’t thought about my investment banking interview day for a long time. Only recently I realized, that as I had shifted uncomfortably in my chair, I had been the only the only woman around the table, and the only person of colour. Even more recently, I made the connection that I may have come away feeling diminished not because of my skill level or abilities, but because I was made to feel, whether consciously or unconsciously, that I do not belong.
As I began to make these connections, I told myself: Oh well, that was 2010. There was no #metoo movement, no women’s-forward initiatives — I myself didn’t have the awareness then, of gender pay gaps and unequal gender representation in professional leadership. As if to justify their oversight in creating space for people different than their “status quo individual,” I told myself — today is a different time. I confirmed these thoughts as I scrolled through my LinkedIn feed, and a current female employee from the firm had posted enthusiastically about their parental leave and progressive D&I efforts.
But then, out of curiosity, I pulled up the firm’s leadership page. Among the 27 Johns, Dans and Roberts that the page lists, 2 are women. Only 2. Only 7% of their leadership team.
So, maybe today is not enough of a different time. Or, maybe today is different in that women are woke to these numbers and these realities. It’s possible that in 2010 I couldn’t have imagined that gender inequality is still real — maybe back home in India, of course, but not in a forward, modern, developed country like the USA. And because my mind was so closed to the possibility that sexism exists, I saw the shortcomings only within myself.
I have recently wrote about invisibility in the first issue of my newsletter: how we fail to realize the existence of gender gaps. I wonder how invisibility relates to isolation — being the “only” one in the room, at a table, on a list. The talk of this week, for example, is Forbes’ 100 innovators list which poorly failed to include more than one woman. We’re in an era where women jumped to protest this, but in that same era, Forbes overlooked their sexism to begin with and published a list that was 1% female.
What are your thoughts about isolation and invisibility? Let us know in the comments.
I am Mansi Gupta, founder of Unconform Studio, a design and strategy shop focused on women and systems level change. We send out a monthly newsletter about deconstructing patriarchy, women in leadership & behavioral design: join us!
