Cousin Itt: A Truly Underrated Style Icon
Cousin Itt here to transform you from a sartorial trainwreck to… not… a sartorial trainwreck
Revisiting your past fashion choices is a process filled with incremental embarrassment. It’s a moodboard for a collection never meant to take off, unless put to use by contemporary fashion icons heavy on irony. The neon hair combs and round barrettes; the platform sneakers and denim dungarees; the ubiquitous choker, the nude lip, and mom jeans — all trends from depths of hell that have circled back into common consciousness because fashion, like mood disorders, is cyclical.
Dressed mostly by our mums, most of us never had the sangfroid to pull these off in the first place. Due to resultant scarring, some of us approach this renaissance with profound suspicion. We have discovered coping mechanisms that have no patience for these trends made fashionable by celebrities who wear them with a pinch of ‘Ha ha, fashion is so not serious, hunty, just buy my $500 shirt with holes in it’ irony.
They are right. It isn’t.
From Princess Di to Jeanne Moreau, style icons are unanimously praised for their ability to appear effortless. One way to achieve this no-bother style is, of course, wads upon wads of cash. The other is laziness. No one epitomises lazy fashion for me more than Addams’ Family’s Cousin Itt.
Portrayed by Felix Silla, who occupies a substantial space in baby boomer pop culture, Cousin Itt is the rakish hairball with oversized sunglasses and a derby hat in this satirical representation of a macabre aristocratic family. Here are several shrewd observations about Cousin Itt’s killer style that helped redefine fashion for me and will do so for you too, hopefully:
//How much skin is too much skin when it comes to making a public appearance? The overwhelming pressure of carefully treading the tightrope between tacky and classy is far too relatable. Your bananahammocks make you gross, and your bralettes promiscuous. Take a leaf out of Cousin Itt’s book and cover yourself in hair head-to-toe and march outside with hirsute aplomb.
//No one has the perfect face, especially not you. If you insist on keeping that hideous face and not highlight it, contour it, or alter it anyway, you may at least do the courtesy of eclipsing that monstrosity with a shroud of hair, quite like everyone’s favourite cousin.
//You’ve been clocking insane hours at work, chasing that elusive sense of professional fulfillment that you suspect may not actually exist. You try to make your mark at work, and hope to whatever higher entity you believe in that it isn’t as ‘that feller that got the shaft for browsing ET porn’. Schlepping resolutely on, you let your nights turn into days, inviting the horror of horrors: dark circles, or even worse, a full-on dermatological breakout. The knock-off Guccis under your eyes are nothing but eyesores, unbecoming reminders of your inability to manage time effectively. Make them disappear in under two seconds with Cousin Itt-style megasize bangs and sunglasses big enough for three people.
//Remember that hats are amazing for bad hair days. Also, you can’t technically have a bad hair day if you are a shaggy biped carpet.
//An aura of tantalising mystery comes highly recommended for those vying for style icon status. What’s under all that hair is your business, and your business only. Let the world speculate wildly and breathlessly.
//Start wearing crocs under the hair in defiance of set standards. Stay for the immeasurable comfort. No one ever has to know.
Bonus: How many times have you had to parry questions that you don’t quite know how to respond to? What are your plans? When are you getting married? Why are you wearing that? Once you adopt Cousin Itt’s baller aesthetic, it’s perfectly acceptable to run away screaming high-pitched gibberish in response to all queries you can’t otherwise fend off.
Say goodbye to shaving expenses and hello to a lifetime of never having to worry about whether the piece of clothing you just purchased is trendy. It’s time things got a bit, erm, hairy.
