How to Survive a Tech Meetup

Tips on chatting with even the most awkward engineers

Abby: So, I went to this meetup a little while back… (pre-COVID times)

Eva: Yeah, how did it go?

Abby: Well…. There wasn’t much “meeting up” exactly

Eva: What do you mean?

Abby: You know how people talk at meetups?

Eva: Yeah

Abby: Well people didn’t really do that.

Eva: …?

Abby: Like you know how the food and beverage table always has a line, or people around it?

Eva: Yes?

Abby: Well it was just me grabbing pizza and a beer. Everyone else sat quietly in their chairs, focusing on their laptops or phones. And by everyone else I mean like ten or fifteen people in a room for maybe twenty or thirty. Many empty chairs…

Eva: Even the beer didn’t attract people to make the effort and be forced to mingle??

Abby: Nope

Eva: Well then what did people do? And I kind of wonder why they were there… meetups are supposed to be, in my opinion, to learn something new but also to do networking with others interested in the same technology. So you can share experiences beyond the meetup and make new connections.

Abby: Good question — everyone spaced themselves out every other seat so as not to talk to anyone else and silently ate their pizza… I just felt so awkward being there and like being the only “social” person there to network.

Eva: I can imagine. Haha. So were the tech talks any good? Did you learn something at least?

Abby: The talks were good but how do you meet people at a meetup when no one is talking??

Eva: Good question… I don’t know really. You can’t force people to chat if they don’t want to. It will just make the both of you uncomfortable.

Abby: Very true.

Eva: What I would do is to try to find one person that looks up at me and doesn’t look away too fast. Smile a friendly (not too friendly though) smile and go and sit down next to that person. I would hope the meeting of the eyes would indicate that the person might want to interact but may be too shy to. At these tech meetups in Silicon Valley, you meet both introverted engineers as well as newcomers to the area who are trying to learn the language. So the “burden” may land on you — who are more extroverted from what I know — to make the first interaction.

However, it is important to be observant and respectful, in case you misread the shy invite to interaction. Be careful to not push too much in case the person is not open to interaction or not seeking to network. Keep it lightweight and short.

Abby: OK, I actually did try that. Sitting down next to a random person and start chatting, but he just stared at me like I was a freak or something…

Eva: Haha…yeah…I am trying to distill what I mean with a shy invite. You’ll want to read body language before “choosing your target”. If someone lingers a little bit more in meeting your look, then I that person could be ok opening up in a conversation. I would also pick safe and careful entry, like:

“Hi, sorry to bother you, but is this chair free or are you saving it for someone?”

It gives the already seated person a way to “escape” in case he or she does not really want you to sit down. Usually one would get something like: “No, go ahead” or at least a nod or something.

Then I would stay quiet — more than you feel comfortable with as an extrovert — to make the space and the silence safe for a potential introvert.

After a little while I would ask some neutral question:

“So are you from the hosting company or what is your interest in [whatever tech is being discussed in the meetup]”

This allows safe topics. Work. Technology. And you could follow up with a few questions on that:

“Oh interesting…I’ve heard about that company…is it a good place to work?” or “Oh interesting…how long have you been at that company and what do you do?”

Then I would probably be quiet again for a bit. Maybe do another safe topic about the talk or presenters at hand.

And then I would maybe open a question that could ask for his/her opinion on something like…

“So this is my first meetup. What would you recommend I focus on to get the most out of it?”

Or…

“So I am attending this meetup to learn about [tech X], would you have any other recommendations on how to ramp up on [tech X]”

And if the conversation has been welcoming so far to some extent…

“I have started attending meetups to learn about tech, companies and what roles there are after college… would you mind telling me a bit more about what you do? What you would do differently today if you were to graduate this year?”

Meaning, a topic that is important to you, that you are collecting input on from different angles. Meetups are great places to seek out other viewpoints and make connections. Even when the attendees are a bit hesitant to reach out and mingle.

Abby: That’s a really awesome idea — especially to break from the typical tech hype lingo

Eva: Human nature is that when someone asks for help, we are usually much friendlier and willing to share. It may destress the situation. These are my two cents, but believe me I have had many awkward situations at meetups. There was this one time I was the only one talking and I had seven guys with beers just standing around staring at me. As soon as I got quiet, no one else said anything and they kept on staring at me, expecting me to continue to drive it. But starting out as an introvert myself, I get it. It is hard to know what to say and everything feels kind of stuck inside. But you do very much enjoy listening to fun or interesting conversations that others drive and continue.

So if you were an introvert, sometimes it is worth pushing yourself to get things going. And vice versa, if you are an extrovert, you need to think about pacing yourself and ask safe questions as a start. It will help warming up the context.

And then there are so many exceptions and outliers of course, but based on my experiences, this is what I would do. Try to make conversation, but gently and encouraging. Does it make sense?

Abby: Makes total sense! Can’t wait to go to my next meetup and see how it goes!