My journey to self-discovery has been long and hard
My journey to self-discovery has been long and hard. Growing up, there weren't many resources for me especially in private catholic school because of the way the bible believes that being gay is a sin. I didn’t get to talk to many people until I got to college and there were so many accepting places and resources around me.
College was a whole different atmosphere for me. I moved out on my own in 2017 at 18 years old and went looking for LGBTQ resources. I always knew I was different, especially when it came to my family, but I never had anyone to talk to about it. I always felt alone, which was difficult for me. Going to college I was able to grow and understand myself a lot better. California State University, Northridge (CSUN) offered so many resources and programs through The Pride Center and Greek Life.
My first semester was filled with loneliness. I got into the pattern of going to school and the dorms. It was a sad routine and left me feeling so alone. I had heard many stories about people going to college to find themselves and express themselves in ways they didn’t have in high school. I spent so much wasted time denying who I was that I was creating this image of myself that I did not like. I was coming from a high school that lacked resources and openly gay people. A lot of people around me were closeted until they went to college and I seen many people add on Instagram their coming out story. I saw them getting in LGBTQ relationships, and seeing different LGBTQ stories on my timeline was eye opening to me. For me middle school and high school had no clubs or resources for LGBTQ students. I remember being in middle school taking the “Am I gay” quizzes online and just taking those quizzes alone was a sign already.
After spending a semester inside doing nothing but hang out in the dorms, I decided in my second semester that it was time to go out of my comfort zone and be true to myself. I found a sorority that was LGBTQ+ based and was focused on inclusivity. At first I was hesitant because I knew joining and rushing Gamma Rho Lambda meant I would be coming to terms with something I had not fully accepted about myself. I did everything I could to deny it but once I showed up to a rush event it just felt like home and I was meant to be there. I met many new people who identified within the community and were open to helping me. I was able to be myself and was accepted.
I spent the night hearing people explain how they were closeted and we all had different stories but in different parts of a story I could relate to. Such as when someone says, “ I like gay people I just don’t want you to be gay” or “ I still love you” as if I had changed. Like I have always been gay I was just scared to express myself about it. It was from there I began going to the Pride Center and attending weekly events such as coffee nights, which was created as a safe space and made for people to communicate with others and do arts and crafts. I was able to watch guest speakers and learn more about the community.
These experiences and people I met helped me gain the courage to come out to my family, which was hard because of how religious they were and made comments that made me fear they would be unaccepting of me. It was difficult for me to express these feelings because the thing with coming out once is that you never stop. Your whole life is spent coming out and telling people because it is who you are and it isn’t easy.
Through my journey of self discovery I have had my fair share of hate because not everyone is accepting of me. Growing up in a religious house was hard for me. Always hearing that gay people were going to hell. In college I found a church who I thought I connected well with until they found out I was gay and in an LGBTQ sorority someone sat me down and told me it was wrong. I remember just feeling so stuck I didn’t leave I just listened to them speak before I could get up and leave. It was a difficult situation and although it was hard to deal with it at the time I was able to grow from it.
One thing I have struggled a lot with is my faith. I grew up catholic and the church is against all things gay. It is hard going to church because I have to be something I am not. One of my favorite songs is Troye Sivan’s “Heaven,” where one part says, “Without losing a piece of me how do I get to Heaven? Without changing a part of me how do I get to heaven?” I relate a lot to this song because it explains the difficulties of being queer and religous. I have been told my whole life we are told it is a sin and that God hates us and we are going to hell. It hurts and we don’t want to believe that we would be going to Hell and that is what the song describes. That Sivan isn’t going to change for anyone because he is who he is, but how will get to heaven? This song and music helped me a lot because I have always struggled with my faith and being gay. I refuse to believe that a God that loves everyone would hate someone for who they love. It just ruins the point of God loves everyone.
In the end my journey to self-discovery of my sexuality was a rollercoaster. Some days were good and others were hard. I spent a lot of times questioning myself and being in denial but I did it. I overcame and grew a lot, and even though I still have a lot to work on, I have made steps and allowed myself to grow since then.
