Equality or Equity in Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)
One of the challenges that I’ve encountered on my journey in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) has been around the concept that all relationships and partners that a person engages with should be treated “equally.”
Some of the ways that I’ve heard this expressed by partners have been:
- The amount of time that you spend with separate partners should be equal
- There should be equality in the number of partners that each person has
- The emotional attachment between partners should be equal
- It isn’t fair that you’re dating and I’m not
And while I understand the thoughts that are being expressed, and see that equality might be an admirable goal, I’ve found that I have difficulty viewing equality as an effective measure when it comes to my relationships.
Equality vs. Equity
Whenever I look at this type of situation, I tend to go back to dictionary definitions to try and understand where I sit.
e·qual·i·ty:
1. the state of being equal, especially in status, rights, and opportunities.
vs.
eq·ui·ty
1. the quality of being fair and impartial.
While these two words seem very similar, they are in fact very different to be when I consider them in terms of how I view relationships and partners.
Let’s look at the concept of equality.
When it comes to equality, I don’t know that it is actually a fair measure in relationships.
Is it really possible to have an equal balance between partners or relationships? Is each person getting the same amount of time, or emotional attachment possible? Won’t there be times when a partner might have other partners and you find yourself without a partner? Do all partners have the same needs for time, attention, and energy?
In fact, it often has felt like when there is a focus on equality in a relationship, there is actually a “tit-for-tat” type of scorekeeping that is taking place to measure the relationship. Rather than looking at the relationship as a whole, the concept of equality seems to focus on the comparison of what may, or may not be provided.
And I’ve always experienced that level of comparison and scorekeeping to be problematic in the long term for any of my relationships.
So I would say, if you were to ask, I don’t believe relationships are founded on equality. But I’m also not advocating that relationships should have inherent inequalities unless you are negotiating that power dynamic as is done in kink/BDSM dynamics. Nor am I advocating that we should not be striving to meet the needs of our partners and our relationships. But in all my years of living, I have never found any relationship to be “equal.”
Focusing Instead on Equity
Where I tend to focus instead of trying to make things equal is on working to ensure that each relationship is treated equitably, trying to make things “fair and impartial.” This is indeed a very different view.
Rather than keeping score on specific items, or nit-picking my partner, I focus on trying to create an overall balance and fairness.
What this looks like to me is:
- No request is inherently “off limits”
- I will receive requests from partners with an open mind
- I will consider requests openly and with a balance against the other priorities that I may have in my life
Does this mean that everyone will get what they ask for? No, but it will be considered fairly.
Does this mean that everything will be equal, most likely not but I know that I am also working to ensure that my partner’s needs are met, the needs of my relationships are being met, and that my own needs are being met.
As small as the differentiation between “equality” and “equity” might seem, I know that shifting my own focus toward creating equitable relationships has made a big difference for me and my relationships.
