For Me… Ethical Non-Monogamy Isn’t a Choice
Hello. My name is Greg and I’m ethically non-monogamous.
I’m here to tell you that, for me, that being ethically non-monogamous (ENM) isn’t a “lifestyle” or “something I can do or not not do.” Rather, ENM is part of who I am — it is part of my identity and part of my own authentic self.
And one of the biggest challenges that I have is when people who are monogamous, or who might night understand ENM, start asking me to explain it all to them and the conversation shifts towards some of the following questions:
- Why do you need other relationships?
- Why can’t one person just be enough?
- You only do this because you can’t commit to a relationship.
- Polyamory is just another form of cheating.
I’ve tried giving answers to these questions in the past, and still do continue to try. But I often find it’s about this point where I just kind of give up trying to explain or educate them, because their line of questioning is no longer about being inquisitive and looking to learn, but feels more about judgement and shame.
It begins to feel like a criticism of who I am.
And that isn’t okay for me. If you are no longer looking to understand ethical non-monogamy and expand your own point of view, but are questioning my personal identity and values through your monogamous lens then I don’t consent to being in that conversation as I am not keen on being led to feel that I am wrong for being me, for being who I am.
In reality, coming out at ethically non-monogamous has really given me an insight into the challenges and struggles that those in the LGBTQIA+ and Trans communities experience.
ENM Hasn’t Always Been My Identity
The fact is, growing up I was raised in a very conservative Catholic household. We went to church every weekend, had to sit through CCD classes where we were indoctrinated (luckily, I attended public schools).
Not only did I go through religious indoctrination, but I was also socially indoctrinated into believing that the “one true way” for all relationships was monogamy, and getting married, and having kids. Sex for pleasure was bad. Masturbation was wrong. Once you married, you stayed that way even if life was miserable because divorce wasn’t an option.
Shame and guilt were doled out like the eucharist every Sunday at church. There were no other options other than being monogamous. That is simply all we knew and all we were taught.
But in reality, even from a very young age, I felt like I didn’t belong in that world. I recall as early as late elementary school questioning those thoughts about my own sexuality and pleasure. I recall as early as I started dating that monogamy didn’t feel “right” to me. I recall having kinky interests that just couldn’t be shared — and certainly were never to be discussed — and feeling shame for having them.
So I just accepted what I’d been raised to believe. The fact is that I was young and didn’t know any better. And being raised in this type of conservative lifestyle, I don’t even really know where to go looking for anything else because everything around me was vanilla as far as the eye could see.
Was What I Wanted Out of Alignment and Wrong?
As I aged, it was clear that my own personal views and beliefs did not align with the societal view of monogamy, sexuality, sex, and relationships.
- Why was it that you could only love, or be in love with one person?
- Why was it that sex was so tightly aligned with intimate connection?
- Why was it that when you entered a relationship that there was an expectation that you lost any and all interest in other people?
- Why was it that there seemed to be a social expectation that when you entered a relationship people gave up their friends and activities outside of that relationship?
- Why was it that sex couldn’t just be enjoyed as an act of pleasure?
And as I tried to adapt to and fit into monogamous relationships, I could never shake the fact that the societal views didn’t align with what I personally wanted and desired.
I did feel like what I wanted was problematic and caused issues for my partners and my relationships. I felt a lot of shame and guilt for feeling the way that I did. I felt challenged in committing to any one relationship or person and ended up with strings of relationships (e.g. I was a serial monogamist). And eventually, I did cheat on my wife (but that is an entirely different writing).
Then I Found My Own Truth and Myself…
Eight years ago, I had my “epiphany” when I was introduced to ENM and the world of kink and BDSM. All of a sudden, what I had wanted for nearly a lifetime was suddenly right in front of my eyes, and it was out in the open and consensual.
- I could discuss and negotiate ethically non-monogamous relationships with more than a single person, with consent from everyone involved.
- I could craft “relationships of choice” where connections could exist on whatever basis or importance they might take.
- Sex could be intimate, just for fun, or both, and was no longer “taboo.”
- I could explore all areas of my own self and sexuality openly, and there were educators who were teaching about it all.
In many ways, it was like a light went off in my head and all of a sudden I both understood my own identity and had found my authentic self. And since then there has been no going backwards.
Unfortunately, this discovery of my identity and authentic self also led to the end of my second 15-year marriage, as what I wanted was no longer fundamentally compatible with what my wife wanted and what was her authentic self. This was an extremely difficult loss, but I do respect both of us for being true to ourselves (again, this is another story).
Love Me For Who I Am, Not Who You Think I Am…
In Polysecure, Jessica Fern writes:
“The final motivation that I see in my non-monogamous clients is that people practice CNM because it just feels like this is who they are. For these people, nonmonogamy is not so much a lifestyle choice, as it is for some people, but rather an expression of the fundamental self.
People who identify as non-monogamous as orientation describe their nonmonogamy not as a choice, but as who they essentially are and how they are fundamentally wired. I often hear these people say that they feel most themselves when they are with multiple people, be it sexually or romantically.
Many people come into their nonmonogamy orientation a bit late, often after having suffered from the belief that they are broken or defective in some way after struggling to be faithful to their partners or feeling that monogamy was never fully right for them.”
When I first read this, I felt extremely seen and heard. I felt validated.
And in many ways, I felt sad. Because for a lifetime, I’d been in relationships where the framework was simply not aligned with my own self and my values. And I’d spent years trying to change or deny myself trying to fit in.
And that is something I no longer want for my life.
I am me. I am who I am. And I’m not going to apologize or be ashamed of being non-monogamous. And since I opened up eight years ago, I have been clear about this fact.
If you want to be in a relationship with me, you have to love and accept me for who I am and as I fully am.
Don’t love me for the thought of who you think I am, or who you think I could become. Please don’t love me because you think you can somehow change me. Because you won’t.
I am whole, and I am complete. And I am happy with who I am. It’s taken me 53 years to get to this point, but I’ve figured out who I am, and what I want, and I’m secure in my values, my identity, and my authentic self.
I love myself, and I am not going to change my identity to fit into a society that still normalizes monogamy as its standard.
