Grieving the Loss of “What Was”

You’re feeling like you’re in a happy, secure relationship. You decide that you’re going to open your relationship and everything is going well until that first date is set. And then “wham,” you’re hit with this overwhelming feeling of loss and grief.

You may know these feelings: the turning and twisting feeling as you wrestle with loss, thoughts racing and memories looping over and over fixating on the loss of what was, and a paralyzing sense of emptiness that comes with the realization of what might never be again.

It can be the craziest feeling because your relationship isn’t falling apart, your love for your partner is still present and strong but you still might be feeling this intense loss — grieving as if the relationship itself was ending (although it isn’t).

Believe it or not, this seems to be relatively common for people.

Photo or a stone statue, sitting, arms around legs, head to knees by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash

What is Grief

Grief by definition is the feeling of deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death. But death isn’t the only time we might feel grief. These same feelings can be triggered by any sense of loss of someone or something— including the end of a relationship (whether it is perceived or real).

Grief doesn’t just happen in response to the death of a person. In our relationships, grief might be a feeling that we encounter over and over. There can be grief with breakups, over breaches of trust or infidelity, the disappointment in discovering incompatibilities.

Those Feelings of Loss are Valid

From my experience in ethical non-monogamy with my own partners and relationships, grief can also be experienced when first opening your relationship due to the perceived loss of “what was.” Particularly feelings like:

• We are never going to be just us again
• There are always going to be considerations of other people for our team
• Time with my partner is going to be impacted and their presence will not be mine
• There may be other relationships that my partner has that I am no longer a part of
• I can’t control the trajectory of my partner’s other relationships

And though I haven’t always shared these feelings with my partners, I do understand that their feelings are valid and real despite the fact that the relationship wasn’t actually ending.

However, the changes that were happening to the relationship as we transitioned were real. For them, there was the loss that they were experiencing with the change in the relationship framework was real.

The fact that our relationship no longer was monogamous did mean that it would no longer be just the two of us. We weren’t breaking up, but the changes in time away were real. And yes, dating separately does mean that there will be relationships that you may no longer be part of.

And for my partners, and other people, these changes really do feel like the death of the relationship “as they knew it.” And with that loss, came feelings of grief. And there was a real need to be able to feel that grief, and process through it so that Relationship 2.0 could actually begin and move forward.

So if you find yourself grieving your relationship as it was… it’s okay.

Feel those feelings. Sit with them. Work through them. It’s okay to grieve even as you are making conscious choices about the future of your healthy relationships.