The Damage of the “Veto” in Polyamorous Relationships
My wife is essentially new to exploring ethical non-monogamy (ENM) and polyamory, and she has had all of the insecurities and feelings that often come along with that. She has struggled as I’ve started dating other people, while she has yet to go out on a first date of her own. There have been hard emotions that she has dealt with but I have to give her a lot of credit because despite everything the is actively doing the personal work to move forward in healthy ways.
Sadly, her lack of a first date doesn’t have anything to do with her. She’s an amazing woman — kind, caring, has wonderful energy, is beautiful, values connection, and cares for people in her life.
Where she has hit a roadblock is that the person she’s met (and is possibly interested in dating), is the partner (we’ll call him Mark) of one of her friends (let’s call her Susie).
Mark recently met my wife through a casual introduction from Susie. Their initial discussions have identified that they have a lot of common interests, get along and generally enjoy talking with each other.
Susie and my wife aren’t necessarily BFF’s but they have been close. They do occasionally spend time together, they get along, and they each already have care for each other. So you would think that this situation could possibly be a start to what could be a good metamour relationship.
Susie and Mark have been openly polyamorous for a while and each already have several relationships. From the outside, and what each Susie and Mark believed, their relationship was really secure and loving. And it was stated that each of them have the autonomy to pursue other relationships, and that there was no veto power within the relationship.
However, that seems to be anything but the case.
What is a Veto?
Veto is Latin for “I forbid”, and as defined in Meriam Webster is “an authoritative prohibition” (noun) or “to refuse to admit or approve” (verb).
Typically this term is associated with governments, where vetoes are issued by the President to block proposed legislation after is has been passed through the houses of Congress. But were not here discussing government and civics lessons.
Veto Power in Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy
Veto power in relationships is often used by an existing couple, often where they identify each other as a hierarchical dyad relationship, will have the option to “forbid” or “block” the other from dating or continuing their relationship with a specific person.
There can be a number of reasons that people say they have veto power in relationships including:
- Having a way to remove a secondary partner who may be disrespectful or harmful to the primary relationship
- Others may think it necessary to ensure the structural integrity of a primary entangled relationship where there may be children, a shared home and finances.
But in all reality, a veto in a relationship is really a means of exercising control over a person(s) or situation that you don’t have control over and that makes you significantly uncomfortable.
How Things Change
But let’s get back to the story with my wife’s experience…
Initially there were some general concerns and discomforts that were expressed by Susie that were similar to any relationship where a new partner is potentially introduced. And these discomforts have been heard and acknowledged.
In fact, there have been open discussions between the three of them about the situation, feelings that everyone have, and what is actually happening. Things have been moving at a snail’s pace and there has been open communication all the way along. Finally, no plans were set to actually meet as everyone tried to work through the friend’s discomfort.
It seemed that everything that should have been done was being done and done “correctly.”
And then Mark actually asked my wife out to dinner, to see if there was any possibility of there being anything possible. It was really just to spend a way to spend a few hours together and get to know each other over more than text to feel things out in person.
Discomfort, Roadblock, and Vetoes
However, the act of setting a date seemed to kickstart Susie’s emotions amd insecurities into a higher gear. What went from feelings of general discomfort has now moved into what is essentially a growing list of issues.
- It’s too close to home
- She’s my friend
- I’m afraid that things in our relationship will change
- You met her through me
- The fact that they (my wife and I) attend sex parties is too much risk of catching an STI (e.g. slut shaming)
And as Mark attempted to work through each concern, a new concern keeps getting added to the list — which feels simply feels now more like emotional hijacking as each new step brings new roadblocks being created just to prevent anything from moving forward.
And the most recent response from Susie when Mark asked “would you still have these issues if it were anyone else?” was a “no, that would be fine. It’s simply that you are thinking about dating my friend that is causing the issues. And I cannot support you moving forward with anything.”
And that right there is the veto.
It would be “fine” for Susie if Mark were to consider dating any random person, but because there is discomfort with my wife Susie feels the need veto her.
Rather than deal with their emotions and work through things, Susie’s response is simply to issue a statement of control that prevents either Mark or my wife from moving forward with anything.
The Fallout
It’s been pretty difficult to watch things unfold since my Mark shared this last communication about Susie issuing the veto. Again, keep in mind that their relationship did not contain the right to veto anyone — yet it happened.
It’s clear that both my wife and Mark are not happy… in fact they are both quite sad.
- Both have mentioned that this simply feels unfair.
- They are both feeling controlled, by someone who isn’t and shouldn’t be involved in their possible budding relationship.
- They both feel that their autonomy to make decisions and choose the path for any potential relationship direction.
- They are both frustrated because any ability to move forward is actually in the hands of someone who isn’t even involved in the possible relationship.
- My wife is actually questioning the value of the friendship after being both vetoed and slut shamed in the process.
And as of yesterday, my wife made a choice to actually put all conversations with Mark on hold as a means of self-protection as it’s incredibly difficult to feel like you have no control over your own relationships. So after more than a month of talking daily, their conversations came to a stop. And that has felt like a loss and breakup for both of them — despite the fact they’d not even gone out on an official date.
And the sad thing is that none of it had to be this way. Everyone was communicating. Everyone was moving slower than a snail’s pace (hell, it couldn’t have moved any slower), and they were both trying to be kind and respectful of the friend’s insecurities and feelings.
But instead of working through her own feelings, emotions, and insecurities, it seems that Susie simply chose that she didn’t want any of this, and issued a veto to stop it. Rather than work through her own emotions, she issued control over two people whom she actually has no control over.
And that’s just ugly, and hurtful.
Where Does This Story End?
I’ve previously written about the Fallacy of Control, and sadly I see vetoes as exactly that… attempting to control a situation that you really have no control over.
So it’s hard to say what the next steps and outcome might be for my wife and Mark, but my own experience is that vetoes rarely create the final outcome that you desire.
In the short term, you may get what you wish for (in this case that a possible budding relationship doesn’t move forward). However, what is also happening outside of the veto are hurt feelings, feelings of unfairness, feelings of having one’s autonomy taken away, feelings of interference and controlling behavior, resentment towards the one who issued the veto, and ultimately these all create a loss of connection.
I know that in my own cases where a veto has been issued to me was that the outcome of that veto was never what was desired, and in fact ultimately led to the end of the relationship.
So my words of advice… don’t issue that ultimatum or veto.
