There’s Nowhere to Hide in Polyamory / Ethical Non-Monogamy
Are you ready? People think that polyamory and ethical non-monogamy (ENM) means having more relationships, and more sex. And while this may be true eventually, the reality I’ve seen is that one of the biggest things that polyamory brings into your life is a need to be able to deal with your emotions and do a lot of personal development work.
The Old World — Don’t Rock the Boat
Before I opened my own relationships and started living a polyamorous life, it wasn’t uncommon for me to encounter feelings or problems that I felt and just tuck them away into that dark closet where things we don’t want to deal with (and missing socks) go to die. In fact, in my monogamous life “don’t rock the boat” had become one of my personal mottos.
If there was an issue in the relationship that was likely to cause confrontation — it got put away into the closet.
If I was unhappy with our sex life — that also got put away into the closet.
In many ways, it was easier to just put things away into the closet than to deal with the feelings, emotions, challenges, or their potential impacts on the relationship.
However, as any therapist would likely tell you… this strategy isn’t sound and will likely end up causing resentments that come back to haunt you. And although I didn’t have a therapist at the time I can say that all of those things did, in fact, happen.
Closets Don’t Work in Relationships
The problem with that magic closet, is that by putting things in there I was simply avoiding my issues. “Ooh, issue… put it in the closet and never deal with it again.” And the funny part, at that time in my life it didn’t seem like that bad of a strategy because every time I did speak up for my own needs, wants, and desires it felt like it just created conflict. So I just stopped bringing things up… don’t rock the boat.
And after a number of years in relationships or marriages my closet began to look like the junk drawer we all have in our kitchens that are overflowing with crap that we don’t need and that doesn’t serve us. There was so much baggage that I’d tucked in my closet and didn’t deal with that it became problematic for me and my relationships
And after all of those years, problems mounted, resentments grew, and relationship began to falter.
Like a Bright Flashlight Shining into the Darkest Corners
When I began opening my relationship for the first time, the thing that I quickly learned is that there really wasn’t any place to hide in my dark closet anymore. In fact, that dark closet became much less dark and much more exposed as ENM and polyamory were simply like a flashlight shining into those darkest corners.
“Oh, here are these feelings of inadequacy/comparison/jealousy… well, I don’t want to deal with those so into the closet they go.”
And just as soon as those things went into the closet that bright flashlight spun and would shine the light back on them, almost as if saying, “hey look what I found, did you leave these here on accident? You can’t leave these things here.”
Any it quickly because clear that hiding things in my closet, and my old motto of “don’t rock the boat” were no longer feasible and I’d have to adapt new strategies for processing.
That flashlight of ENM not only prevented putting new things into the closet, but nearly every new aspect of opening up seemed to shine the light in a different direction and find more baggage that was covered in inches of dust and cobwebs that also required unpacking and clearing out.
It Isn’t Always Easy
I have to admit that there were many days when I grew tired of that damned flashlight. I wish that it could just be shut off, and not find new (or old) things hiding in the corners but that wasn’t really the way that ENM worked for me.
Despite the challenging feelings, I embarked on a journey of becoming more self-aware and did the work to not only clear out my closet but to also learn new skills — better communication, better conflict management, learning to be more transparent and open, and learning to be a better listener. And that list of growth areas went on and on.
In those early days, it seemed that every day brought another opportunity for growth. These moments were so regular that I simply adopted the term AFOG (another f*cking opportunity for growth). There were so many AFOG moments in the early days that it often simply felt overwhelming and exhausting. Like if this is how it’s going to be, I don’t know that I
And at times it was simply exhausting because growth and change is rarely easy. It takes work. It takes consistency. And it takes time.
The Flashlight is Still Here
I look back now, over eight years later, and see myself as nearly an entirely different person than I was in 2015. I have grown and changed in so many positive ways, Though I am by no means perfect.
And that damn flashlight continues to shine into my (now remodeled) closet and continues to find old baggage that still lingers. It still keeps presenting me with more AFOG moments, but they are getting better and becoming fewer.
And thankfully I can honestly say that my relationships with others are better for it. My relationship with myself is better for it.
