Ass-rotting pillows and 9 other ridiculous lies I was told as a kid
I’m gullible. 🤡
But really, I prefer to call it… trusting. 🤓
I grew up in Guam as a first-generation Taiwanese-American.
I’m not sure I can speak for all of “us”, but I can tell you that if not for school, I certainly didn’t grow up with my parents trying hard to pretend to be Santa Claus, moving Elf on a shelf nightly (I literally found this was a thing when I was 33), the Easter bunny, or warning me about the boogeyman in my closet.
I also didn’t grow up in a traditional neighborhood. You know… the residential kind with neighbors, a golden retriever and white picket fences.
Our next building neighbor was Casa Nami nightclub and a sketchy mirror tinted floor-to-ceiling window shiatsu spa, rumored to be where our family doctor, Dr. Lee, frequented and paid visits to his mistress. Shh.
I didn’t even know what a mistress was. I thought it was synonymous with Mrs. Or missus.
Oh, innocence.
Imagine if I went around referring to all my women teachers as Mistresses.
So when our homework assignment directed me to “Borrow a cup of sugar from your neighbor”, you can bet we drove to Payless Supermarket 10 minutes before closing, just so I could get that A+.
I would’ve preferred to shortcut and ask Ms. Shiatsu next door for some sugar… but I was 6.
And I certainly don’t think that white cane was the type of sugar Dr. Lee went to her for… if you know what I’m sayin’.
Back to gullibility…
Our world moves so fast and we forget what it’s like to embrace and celebrate innocence and naivete.
I’ve worked with clients in the world of therapy and coaching, and oftentimes have been heart-breakingly impacted by multiple accounts of the horrifying ways abusive early childhood environments can be.
So today, I want to celebrate the age of innocence. It doesn't mean that I want to ignore or push away the reality that trauma existed, in my life or others.
But as I was thinking of writing this fun list during meditation the other day, I found myself giggling and laughing about how ridiculous some of the memories tied to these white lies were.
So here they are. Here’s to the innocent parts of us :) 🥂
- Sitting on your pillow will rot your ass
I got the brilliant idea of jumping on the bed with my little brother, thanks to “Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed” from school.
Unfortunately for us, pillowtop and memory foam mattresses didn’t exist in our home.
They were for the weak.
Instead, every room was graced with hard-ass mattresses made of bamboo, or tatami material from Japan.
Jumping on them was like… jumping on cement.
Our fun ended quickly.
But then we got the fabulous idea of sitting on mom’s pillows instead. I thought we could stack them, like the princess in Princess and the Pea.
To which she exclaimed, “Don’t do that! Your ass will lán diáo”! (OK the whole thing was in Mandarin chinese — but that would make zero sense to you). Lán diáo means becoming mushy, rotten… like how potatoes get oozey when you forget about them for 3 months in the back of your coat closet 😅. They did say keep in a cool and DARK place, guys.
Why adults couldn’t expect us to be reasonable and say something like, “If you sit on your pillow, your fart molecules will infuse the pillow and you’ll smell fart all night forever” or “You’ll flatten the pillow if you sit on it”?
Shrug.
But yes, for the longest time I thought I'd get ass-rot from my pillows.
2. Tooth fairy who? heh?!
Chloe got an entire $20 for leaving her tooth under her pillow. She was so stoked during show and tell, showing her fresh tooth gap.
Man. That’s lucrative. I needed me some tooth fairy money.
So you can imagine how excited I was, a month later, when my front tooth got wiggly. I wiggled that bastard so hard, it fell off in two and a half days, versus the usual 7.
Before mom put me to bed that night, I held my tooth in my right hand, high in the air, and declared — I’m putting this righttttt here *placed under my pillow*, for her to see.
Mom: Okay. Go to sleep. *puts covers on me*
The next day when mom woke me up for school… First thing I do, of course, is lift up my pillow by the mauve-colored frilled edges…
“Wha-? My tooth is still here.”
😞
😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞
Mom: Of course it is. You put it there last night. #literalcommunicator
🤦♀️
But really… teeth under pillows? 🤢 Who thought of that??
#deathofthetoothfairy
Side note — have y’all heard of the jewelry made from human teeth? They claim it’s their children’s teeth… but I dunno man. Those chompers look ginormous 😅.
I can’t. I just can’t.
In my hunt for this video, I came across an entire COLLECTION of teeth jewelry 🥲 🤮 . There’s even an etsy shop specializing in them 😅.
Makes me wonder if these people were fellow disappointed never-got-my-dollas-from-tooth-fairy people, making a comeback, stronger than ever.
FOLKS. If you ever doubt your ability to make money… remember the teeth jewelry people.
3. When you’re in LA, acid rain will burn your skin off.
“Run!!!” I frantically said in a rushed voice to my cousin, LC, (who’s more like a big bro) as I jumped back in his golden-beige Camry Solara. I slammed the door shut.
He looked confused, but he was never the type to make me feel stupid.
“I heard from my big brother, the rain here is so acidic… your skin will turn black when it hits your forearms from the acid.”
Y’all.
I was getting ready to go to college when this happened. Needless to say, my cousin has always been my living fact-checker after this instance and I learned to take everything big bro says with a drop of fake acid rain. (Love you, guh).
4. Red wine turns your teeth black.
This one is thanks to my first best friend, Ginny, in the 3rd grade. She swore her mom smiled after drinking red wine, and her friend screamed at her mom’s pearly blacks.
(I had a gif to insert here. But it was too disgusting. But in case you’re curious, here it is. *Shudders* Don’t say I didn’t warn you).
Yep. I was in grad school years old when I realized that this was untrue.
5. Carrots will improve your eyesight.
Um, the hell they will.
I’ve had glasses since first grade. That’s like being born with glasses. Ouch.
I don’t remember what it’s like to live without glasses, and I have the second to worst eyesight of my entire extended family.
At my highest prescription, my contact lenses were -9.50. If you don’t know what that means, then basically… I can only read something if I’m about to eat it.
I can’t tell your facial expression or details if you’re 2 feet away from my face. I can see there’s a body of some sort (obvs) but I would certainly never be able to drive. All lines and colors blur together.
There are times I’ve had to holler for my partner to grab me my second pair of glasses… to find the glasses that I dropped… right below the bed.
So yeah, fuck carrots.
Except for carrot cake. You can stay.
That shit don’t work.
Apparently, it’s supposed to improve your “eye health” not “eyesight” but I’m over you, carrots.
You can go rot in the closet along with your cousin, Iceberg 🥬 , and the forgotten sack of potatoes.
6. Santa.
You know, I’m really not bitter about this one. We still had fake Christmas trees and presents from family and family friends.
First of all, there are no chimneys in Guam’s 85-degrees-all-the-damn-time weather. Where’s Santa gonna come through???
The door?? Like a commoner???
PFFT. He deserves better than that.
Secondly, his attire is completely and utterly inappropriate for summer. And no, I don’t want him coming through in Aloha wear.
I want the iconic Santa suit with fur, or nothing at all. #suituporGTFO
But I also don’t want him to die. So I’m okay with his non-existence.
All this being said, I am a supporter of preserving children’s youth, fantasy, and magic. I really think innocence is a precious thing that doesn’t last as long anymore, due to how fast kids have to grow up now.
7. The POLICE ARE HERE to get you!!!!
This was the go-to threat from every single adult in our family. I should’ve called their bluff.
Really? The POLICE are here? In the bathroom because I don’t want to shower?
In our home, because I won’t come to the table to eat?
To be fair, we actually did get pulled over once before because me and my bros were jumping around in the backseat, without seat belts on.
Maybe it was because our beds were too hard for jumping on.
8. Eat it. Because it’s good for you.
This one is just like #7. It ranks up there with the ever famous “Because I said so”… BUT I think Asian parents have Traditional Chinese Medicine on their side for this one.
They can command you to eat anything… just so long as it’s followed up with “because it’s good for your chi.” For your circulation.
You know… your body has too much heat. Too much cold. Too much DAMPNESS.
Chinese parents will say anything to get you to eat whatever they want you to eat.
9. Stay here (at school). I’m going to buy you ice cream.
Mom dropped me back off at school in pre-k after an appointment. I was feeling particularly clingy that day and didn’t want to stay. I whined, while the teacher peeled me off of her leg.
“I’m going to buy you ice cream. I’ll be back!”
I kept watching the door that day for my mama and my ice cream. 🍦
It never arrived. 🥺
10. Every grain of rice you don’t finish will be the exact number of pimples your future husband/wife will have.
I immediately turned to observe my partner’s face when I remembered this one. I know for a fact this wasn’t just a “My family” thing.
I guess S should thank me for having an immaculate face.
I’m a pro when it comes to eating every single grain of rice, and I’m even better at leaving clean chicken wings.
I don’t know why adults think that scaring kids off with the promise of marrying the pimple prince or princess is a good tactic. I mean, I hadn’t even hit puberty.
Phew! That sums up my list of ridiculous lies I was told and believed as a kid.
Tell me — What’s one of yours?
This was fun to write and reminisce on. I wanted to write something carefree. Thanks so much for reading!
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