Battling Depression — Restlessness Phase

A few months after Gabriel’s suicide attempt, we noticed a change in his behavior. He had difficulty in concentrating and also experienced memory lapses. He would also wander and we would have to start a search party to look for him. At first, he would go missing for short periods of time, until it gradually got worse.

January — February 2011

Gabriel had been normal for the past couple of days. The hallucinations and screams had gone. It was safe for him to sleep alone; or so we thought.

One night, at about 10pm, my dad received a call from an unknown number. What he heard from the other end of the line sent chills down his spine.

“Do you know Gabriel?” The voice asked.

“Yes, he is my son.” My dad responded.

“Come pick him in front of the gate to the JCC church on your way to Mombasa island.” The caller informed.

My dad woke us up to tell us the news. We went to Gabriel’s room and our worst fears were confirmed; he was not there. We were all shocked. How did he get there? We all thought he was asleep.

My dad called a taxi and headed to the church. When he arrived, he found Gabriel seated near the gate. He asked him to get into the taxi and they headed back home.

The following day we asked him how he got to the church.

“I could not sleep. I just wanted to clear my mind. I just wanted some peace. I really can’t explain how I got there.” He responded. This was the beginning of a series of restlessness and episodes of getting lost. He would disappear morning, day or even night.

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One time, he went missing for an unusual period of time. Worried, my dad called some friends and family to help in searching for him. After four frantic hours of making phone calls and walking around Mombasa city, my dad stumbled on him at the Moi International Airport. What was he doing at the airport? We wondered. As usual, when asked, he did not know how and why he got there.

In another episode, I was chatting with him as I did laundry. I went back to the house briefly to get some soap but on returning, he was gone.

“But he was just here when I went to the house.” I told my mum who was already freaked out.

We organized a search party as before. I went to the airport where we had found him in the previous episode. My search was unfruitful. It was getting dark and there was no sign of him. This was scary. I started crying. I felt responsible for losing him. But he was fine moments before I left him! I thought to myself. We were having a good chat, why would he leave? I could not understand.

At around 7pm, one of our neighbors spotted him on the road from the Changamwe refinery as she was going home from work. She immediately informed my dad who rushed and intercepted him.

The episodes went on and on. He would get lost and reappear hours later. He would be found by the ocean seated a cliff, staring into the open sea or even cleaning the neighbors compound. Some people started calling him ‘Masila’s crazy son’. It was a tough moment for everyone in the family.

After several visits to the psychologists, he got better. He was advised to channel his energy towards something he liked. And he did. He would compose songs and poems. He would play hip hop beats and sing to them. I enjoyed being his audience. He had great talent.

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I think this is the most misunderstood symptom in depression. Most people who have not experienced it are likely to end up saying, ‘Get your life together’. It is not as easy as it sounds.

Restlessness is normal when you are anticipating a challenge. For example, it can happen before a job interview or first date with a new person. Restless feelings are the mind and body’s way of putting you on alert and preparing you to handle the situation. What if you are just restless and you can’t explain why? This is what depressed people go through. It just happens and they can neither sleep nor concentrate on things that would help them calm their nerves.

Follow the series The journey to the dark city of depression as I trace the journey from depression to demise of the late Gabriel BM. Masila.