Battling Depression — Suicidal Phase
Gabriel started receiving weekly counseling coupled with antidepressants at Aga Khan Hospital, Mombasa. The progress was very slow. He dropped out of Kenyatta University, Mombasa campus where he was pursuing a course in Architecture. The once jovial and outgoing brother had become quiet and very distant. His only friends were his sketch book and his lyrics book.
“No, this is not happening. He is normal, he grew up normal, he was schooled normally. He is normal!” I thought to myself. But wait, I still had many questions. How does a grown man cry like a kid? Why can’t he sleep alone without the fear of ‘ghosts’? Why can’t he just man up and get his life together?
Gabriel’s depression diagnosis and subsequent behavior confused him, me, the family, friends and everyone known to him.
On the one hand, all the indices of his upbringing pointed to normalcy yet the behavior he now manifested were anything but normal.
22 OCTOBER 2010
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This is a very important day in Gabriel’s battle with depression. My other siblings and I were in school. My dad was working in a curio shop nearby while my mum was back at the country side taking care of our mango farm. My brother hit depression’s rock bottom and decided to collect all the tablets in the house. After getting more than thirty different tablets, he got a glass of water and swallowed them all. He went into a deep sleep, or should I call it a coma? This would become his first suicide attempt.
Later that day, my dad came home as usual. When he opened the door, he could not believe his eyes. An acrid smell hang in the air, his near lifeless form lay sprawled on the floor. The only indicator of life was foaming at the mouth. An assortment of tablet wrappers and a glass of water half way consumed told the story; not that a suicide had been attempted, but a dark corner in the road that is depression had been negotiated, the corner of suicidal thoughts and attempts.
My dad called a taxi and asked some neighbors to help him carry Gabriel to the car. There was tension in the air. This had never happened before. What did it mean? What was going to be the end result? Will he wake up?
He was taken to Port Reitz Hospital where he underwent detoxification to remove the effects of the medicines.
23 OCTOBER 2010
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My mother travelled from the country side to take care of him. After four days of unresponsiveness, Gabriel came out of his coma. He was still weak but he could recognize people. A few days later, he was discharged. The medicines had messed with his nervous system. He would get sudden shivers and occasionally experience some memory loss.
Back in school, I was waiting for my dad to come for my academics day. This is a day when parents come to school to discuss the academic progress of their kids. My dad had called the school to tell them that he was not going to make it to the meeting. He explained to the teacher that my brother was very sick. When I got the news, I broke down into tears. Was I angry at my dad for not coming? Was I mad at God for making my brother sick? Despite all these emotions, I was still sympathetic to my brother.
NOVEMBER 2010
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I left school to check on him. Tears welled up in my eyes when I caught sight of him. He was in bed with my mother seated beside him holding a handkerchief that was used to wipe his drool. His skin had turned darker. He was drooling all over himself. His speech was slow. Actually everything about him was slow. It took him several seconds to complete a smile or even to blink. I did not understand what was happening. I could not believe what my brother had turned into.
I talked to my mum who explained to me his condition. “He is having hallucinations about strange people,” she explained. “He is even afraid of sleeping alone. I have to stay here with him day and night. If I don’t he will start screaming and shouting at the people after him,” she continued amidst sobs.
This was the beginning of a series of suicide attempts and a long battle with depression.
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From this experience and more that followed, I realized that suicidal depression is like having to sneeze. The impulse can be so strong, that you simply follow your body’s command without thinking too much of it. You don’t think about your family or the reasons not to do it. All you’re feeling is an incredible urge to sneeze, and you’re certain that anything short of sneezing wouldn’t relieve you of the sensation.
People who are depressed don’t fear death. And because of that as family and friends, we have to be proactive in compiling reasons for them to stick around, especially when they are hit with the urge to sneeze.
Follow the series The journey to the dark city of depression as I trace the journey from depression to demise of the late Gabriel BM. Masila.
